Why football managers shouldn’t review films

Sir Alex Ferguson has just been given his own movie review column. The result?

Layered, incisive film criticism along the lines of: “Sweeney Todd…I’ve got one word for that movie… murder. Another horrible movie was Wanted, with James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie. It was absolutely diabolical, very disappointing.”

So, obviously, we want to stop this trend before it begins. In that spirit, here are some reviews a few other football managers might write. Consider them a warning.

Jose Mourinho - Citizen Kane
There’s God, and after God, me. And waaaaaay after me, the movies. Has Citizen Kane ever won the Champions League? No, not even once. Did Citizen Kane coach Frank Lampard to the best form of his career? I think not. In fact, I don’t even think he’s seen it. He has seen me, Jose Mourinho, however. *shrugs* Films are not so special.

Kevin Keegan - The Usual Suspects

The Usual Suspects, what a movie. But I would love it if someone would lend it to me on DVD, as I still don’t know what happens at the end. Some usher wouldn’t let me use my phone in the cinema, see, asked me to turn it off.  I’d invested a lot of time and emotion into that film. So I left.

Joe Kinnear - Snatch
I went to see Snatch at the picture-house and I must say I found the language to be a little too fruity for my tastes. The title's ghastly, for a start. I won't go into what it alludes to, but it's distasteful to say the least. As for the script, if it wasn’t flippin’ this or blinkin’ that, someone was calling someone a motherflipper, or telling someone else to urinate off. Guy Ritchie, eh? What a c***.

Juande Ramos - Batman & Robin
I’d really enjoyed Batman Returns and Batman Forever, so I thought I’d give Batman & Robin a try. 10 minutes passed and I thought, this is bad, but it’ll get better. The last two Batman films I watched were successful, so why not this one?

Then Arnie walked in and I thought, well, this is worse – but it has to get better soon, my memories of Batman Forever wouldn’t let me down.

Then Uma Thurman walked in and I thought, okay, so this is even worse, but let’s give this thing a chance. After all, Alicia Silverstone hasn’t played much of a part in the plot yet. When she comes back, this film will be brilliant. Honestly it will. It just needs time. And a complete reshoot with £50m more budget.

Sven-Goran Eriksson - Requiem For A Dream
I went to see a movie called Requiem For A Dream. What a good movie this is, I really enjoyed this movie. I don’t remember what happened in the story of the movie, but Jennifer Connelly is a very attractive woman in the movie and I like brunettes. I also like blondes, which is where this movie went wrong, I think. So I give this movie... Believe me, you've no idea what I would like to give this movie... Three stars.

Steve McClaren - Fight Club
Fight Club, what a belter. Eddie Norto is brilliant. And as for Braddy Pitty, he’s first class. Finchey did a top job of directing that one. He even got a performance out of my old pal Meatie-loafo and that’s not easy. Shame that old Matty Damo couldn’t be in it, or Georgie-Porgie Puddin’ & Clooney, or even Tommo ‘Missile’ Cruise. They’re all my mates, you see.

Roy Keane - From Dusk Till Dawn
Went to see From Dusk Till Dawn. First half was shit, so I shouted at it. It got better in the second half.


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