Mario's moustache: A close look
Now that we've familiarised ourselves with the characteristic properties of Mario's moustache, we're suitably equipped to find out if all moustachioed men look like Mario when you stick a red cap on them. As you'll see, we rate each entry for Mario 'alikeness', which works like so:
Despite its diminutive length, Nazi Germany's Das Fuhrer was the proud owner of one of history's most famous moustaches, which has come to be known almost exclusively as the Hitler 'tache. Its association with genocide isn't particularly attractive, however, so this type of moustache is rarely seen on the faces of right-minded people.
This is basically pretty much exactly what Mario would look like in a few years' time. That is, of course, if Mario suffered from the symptoms of physical deterioration caused by biological ageing.
Even Mario's hat of fun can't disguise the murderous malevolence that sweats from every pore of Cutting's face. If ever Cutting holidayed in the Mushroom Kingdom, we're sure he'd round off his trip by disembowelling Bowser and fashioning the rancid turtle guts into decorative festoons.
Kazakhstan's high-profile advocate of the mankini shares many facial similarities with Mario. The dark, prominent eyebrows. A nose of significant dimensions. The unshifting simpleton's smile. And, of course, the 'tache that absolutely dominates the space between top lip and nostril. It's just a shame that the hat isn't big enough to cover all that hair.
With a 'tache that scrawny, Pitt can never really be a serious Mario lookalike contender. He does get to have sex with Lara Croft, though. Which is a much more desirable video game related achievement.
Earl J Hickey, Freddie Mercury, Graeme Souness, Groucho Marx and Hercule Poirot on the next page...