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When Boy Bands Go To Hollywood

 
Annoyingly saccharine bubblegum-pop trio The Jonas Brothers hit the big screen this week, with their first concert film.

If this isn’t the worst news you’ve ever heard, allow us to add the fact that this film is playing in 3D … see? It just got a whole lot more terrible.

If ever there was an argument against 3D cinema, it’s a movie featuring a promise-ring wearing trio of high-pitched whiners who couldn’t rock their way out of Sunday School.

By the way, totalfilm.com loves The Jonas Brothers.

Join us for a look at other boy band members who’ve made their mark on Hollywood, and how it could have been much, much worse… in 3D. 

Luke Goss

The Boy: Famously sang “When Will I Be Famous” with twin bro Matt in boy band Bros.

The Performance: After a few indie movie creds, Goss only went and turned up in Blade II (2002).

His turn as Nomak, the first of a new breed of Vampire, was competent, though seriously lacking in the bleach blonde buzz cut we all knew and loved.

To top it off, just as we were wondering where he’d been, we get blindsided by the appearance of Danny John Jules, aka ‘The Cat’ from “Red Dwarf”.

Why It Would Be Worse In 3D: You might get flashbacks to that Bros. concert in ’88… no? Just us then.

Next: Brian Littrell, The Backstreet Boys [page-break]

 

Brian Littrell

The Boy: Brian is the kinda square-faced one from the Backstreet Boys.

The Performance: Brian made an appearance in Megalodon (2002), about a sixty-foot prehistoric killer shark.

Littrell got the gig because the film stars his missus. He is credited as ‘Rig Worker’.

We assume he was eaten, providing a cheeto-sized snack for the giant shark.

Why It Would Be Worse In 3D: Because the budget could barely afford film for the camera, let alone 3D effects.

They’d probably just hire a guy in a shark suit to run around the theatre, or, scarily, your living room.

Next: Joey Fatone, *NSYNC [page-break]

 

Joey Fatone

The Boy: It would be mean to call him the fat one (geddit??? Fat one/Fatone) from *NSYNC.

So let’s go with he’s the one from *NSYNC who can grow a beard, and is slightly chubby.

The Performance: Fatone turned up in how-did-it-make-that-much-money mega-hit My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002).

He plays Cousin Angelo, and is not terrible, but he isn’t really given a chance.

Perhaps the rule when boy band-ers go to Hollywood is that they should be seen and not heard.

Why It Would Be Worse In 3D: The world does not need to see that much Joey Fatone. You may argue that we already see too much with 2D Joey Fatone.

Next: Omarion Grandberry, B2K [page-break]

 

Omarion Grandberry

The Boy: Or to quote his full name; Omarion Ishmael Grandberry. Yup. A former member of bad boy band B2K.

The Performance: The reason B2K (What? Boys 2000 wasnt catchy enough?) dis-banded was the movie You Got Served (2004).

Omari, or ‘O’ as he likes to be called, plays a street dancer trying to open his own recording studio. The guy that kid from “Sister, Sister” grew up to be is in it too.

The dancing is fine. He obviously practiced. When it comes to acting, however, you, the audience, got served, for paying to watch this drivel.

Why It Would Be Worse In 3D: The dance sequences would work fine in 3D, but you might end up punching the guy in front of you as you take random swipes at Omari's projected visage.

Next: Stephen Gately, Boyzone [page-break]

 

Stephen Gately

The Boy: The other one from Boyzone who you can name.

The Performance: Gately gets five minutes of shame in horror film Credo (2008).

Turns up in the first five minutes and gets his throat cut. Fans on IMDb have suggested this is disappointing.

What’s really disappointing is that the rest of the band didn’t suffer the same fate.

Why It Would Be Worse In 3D: We’re pretty sure this would be glorious in 3D… as long as we didn’t have to watch more than the first five minutes.

Next: Donnie Wahlberg, New Kids On The Block [page-break]

 

Donnie Wahlberg

The Boy: The one from New Kids On The Block who was the slightly less attractive older brother of the underwear model from the Funky Bunch.

The Performance: Take your pick, old Donnie’s been a busy boy, with a bunch of indie movie credits, and a meaty role in “Band of Brothers”.

He also played the guy what shot Bruce Willis at the start of The Sixth Sense (1999).

We’re gonna single out his debut Bullet (1995) though, where he played a character called ‘Big Balls’.

Why It Would Be Worse In 3D: Think about it. Donnie Wahlberg’s ‘Big Balls’ in 3D. Nobody needs to see that… not us, not Donnie.

Next: Justin Timberlake, *NSYNC [page-break]

 

Justin Timberlake

The Boy: The curly haired one from *NSYNC that used to date Britney.

The Performance: Timberlake has made several film appearances over the last few years, with critical acclaim for several.

One performance that didn’t receive any reaction, at all, is his turn as a French-Canadian hockey star in The Love Guru (2008).

Either people didn’t see the film, or wiped their minds of the awfulness with a three-week bender straight after leaving the cinema.

Why It Would Be Worse In 3D: One scene in the film sees Trousersnake thrusting suggestively while wearing tiny black Speedos . Nuff said.

 

We apologise if you’re no longer able to hold down food.

Let us know your favourite cringe-worthy boy-bander performance, and any we missed, in the comments.

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