What if… Hitler smoked pot?

OK, so anyway, Hitler’s there in his cape, smoking weed and talking about occult shit with Goebbels and Bormann, which by the way is a really intimidating name. It’s like a name you’d give to a robot from the ‘50s with, like, a giant metal pincer for one hand and a drill for the other. Can you imagine if top Nazi officials actually looked like that? That’d be badass. I mean, an evil robot in an even-more-evil Nazi suit? I’d sign up to fight against that shit, no questions asked.

Above: Know what else I’d fight? Elephant shrews. Those things creep me right the hell out 

So I think what we can learn from this is that if Hitler smoked pot instead of doing all that speed, the ‘40s would have sucked a lot less, videogames would have sucked a lot more and our grandparents’ generation wouldn’t have been a bunch of violent, Nazi-punching drunks. Unless Hitler was a dracula, in which case he’d probably just be sending out his army of robot Bormanns to steal shit from museums or whatever. Man, Bormann would suck as a museum thief; he’d just be tripping lasers right and left, and that pincer wouldn’t be able to handle a glass cutter worth shit. He’d be all “BEEP-BOOP MUST ACQUIRE SPEAR OF DESTINY” and all the museum guards would hear him and his giant clanking feet and they’d know, man, he could run but they’d know. They’d know it was him. (From DNA.)

Pretty much his only hope at that point would be to clank into the Egyptology wing and try to awaken a mummy, which would probably work momentarily because mummies can’t really kill robots. I mean, it’d probably strangle and stomp on the guards or whatever it is mummies like to do, but that doesn’t work on metal. But since Bormann’s master was a dracula, they’d kind of have to fight eventually, because you can’t have two monsters like that knowing about each other without a fight breaking out.

Above: That’s not according to me, that’s according to science 

So then we’d have this big climactic battle between dracula-Hitler and this mummy, but since Hitler’s been smoking pot instead of ramping up military production, the German army isn’t up to the challenge and the mummy just schools them all. And then at the end it’s fought Hitler to a standstill, and then just as it’s about to throw him off the roof of his castle, Bormann sneaks up behind it and bonks it on the head with the Ark of the Covenant. And Hitler’s all, “but how did you sneak up so quietly?” And Bormann just points to a pair of sneakers that he’s, like, duct-taped to his feet. And Hitler just chuckles and goes, like, “put ‘er there,” and he shakes Bormann’s massive pincer and you just know that now we’ll have a new era of peace and understanding between draculas and robots. Roll credits.

Shit, why doesn’t someone make a game out of that?

April 20, 2010

Hitler’s greatest hits
Dracula or no, Hitler’s been in a bunch of games. Here are some of them

The secret history of Wolfenstein
Like reading about weird Nazi shit? We’ve written about a whole lot more of it

Top 7… things in… uh, in a… a game?
I forgot what this one was about, but it was pretty funny

What if Hitler had game-inspired facial hair?
What’s funnier than Hitler? Mustard gas, for starters. Huh huh. “Mustard”

7 awesome things I’m going to do when I play Natal
Nobody will be expecting these and it’ll be so cool because they won’t know what to do

10 best underage titties
Holy shit guys there’s a webpage with boobs on it


  • HeyShutUpThisIsntBrett - November 1, 2014 10:51 p.m.

    Four years later, still one of the best comedy articles on the internet. I missed it for 4/20 unfortunately but this time I'm reading it for Halloween I guess. The Laser Time article "Why Batman is Better than Dracula" reminded me of it.
  • ninjaemperor - April 20, 2013 9 a.m.

    I reread this beautiful article every year as my 4/20 tradition.
  • HeyShutUpThisIsntBrett - April 19, 2013 8:59 p.m.

    Just wanted to say, three years later and this is still the best 4/20 related article on all of the internet.
  • Jrm21 - April 20, 2012 12:07 p.m.

    2 years later, still priceless
  • batmanboy11 - July 26, 2011 9:22 p.m.

    Over a year later, still funny as balls
  • Chaoscoolperson - October 30, 2010 2:34 p.m.

    Best Article EVARZ
  • gmknoble - October 29, 2010 5:07 a.m.

    I haven't read this article yet, but I know that Mikel Reparaz would never, ever, EVER, smoke mary-j-you-wanna?, ever.... EVER!
  • nhoeven - April 25, 2010 2:50 p.m.

    Haha thats hillarious!! LOL
  • JustTheBoBreaker - April 24, 2010 2:10 p.m.

    That was amazing. The level of detail and work you put into this to look unprofessional is kind of astounding
  • Sukururu - April 24, 2010 2:46 a.m.

    Right dawg, I understand. What I don't get is why Hitler is dracula and not a werewolf. How would history change then....
  • Unoriginal - April 23, 2010 10:28 a.m.

    Best article of the year so far for me. Brilliant conclusion to the Hitler Trilogy
  • Spooge10 - April 23, 2010 2:04 a.m.

    I don't even smoke pot, but this article was fucking fantasmical. I think I came at least twice while reading this.
  • zigs - April 22, 2010 3:35 p.m.

    XD This was fucking fantastic! Had me in stitches, so funny. Kudos Mikel!
  • Major_Wuss - April 22, 2010 4:43 a.m.

  • DrDevious - April 22, 2010 12:01 a.m.

    Best article ever. I joined Digg just to digg it
  • boxmeizter - April 21, 2010 10:41 p.m.

    i like that u mentioned the stereotype puffer that allways wanna listen to reggea RIGHT NOW...i know one of those, that a-hole btw im from CIA lol
  • Amnesiac - April 21, 2010 9:38 p.m.

    This article belongs in some kind of hall of fame.
  • Link555 - April 21, 2010 4:53 p.m.

    lol, love this article
  • sleepy92ismypsn - April 21, 2010 2:05 p.m.

    damn i was on yesterday but somehow missed this article well happy belated 420 to all gamesradarians. isnt it also bob marleys birthday on 420 .if hitler would have someked pot the holocaust would have never happened. all i did yesterday was smoke pot and play episodes from liberty city oh and a little bit of heavy rain that shit is intense when your stoned. and one last thing i would have voted for you Mikel. reCAPTCHA: potost edward dont know what that means but it has pot in it and my dads name is edward who "claims" he has smoked pot in years.
  • LifeVirus - October 23, 2014 5:10 a.m.

    Then how do you explain this:

Showing 1-20 of 63 comments

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