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What if… Hitler smoked pot?

While all that sounds great, no World War II means no World War II videogames, or at the very least really sucky ones. This would be terrible for gaming; I mean, can you imagine what Wolfenstein would be like? It’d probably be about B.J. Blazcowicz running around, like, investigating why Hitler’s so interested in acquiring an ancient historical relic and whether the purchase is compliant with international antiquities law. Maybe at the end, he’d have to fight with a mechsuit-wearing bureaucrat who looks kinda like Hitler, armed only with a strongly worded letter of censure from the League of Nations. Meanwhile, Call of Duty would just be about standing around on the French border and occasionally checking the papers of people driving in and out of the country. It’d be about as exciting as those train simulators Japan is always so crazy about.


Above: Some people would argue this counts as a game. Preposterous! 

In fact, that’s probably the real reason that Einstein never went back in time to kill Hitler, even though he totally could have.


Above: Clear proof from the documentary Command & Conquer: Red Alert 

Dude, Einstein was a pimp. Did you see that show Sliders? I heard Einstein wrote it and then like some grave robbers discovered the scripts for it in his tomb, but then Einstein had turned into a dracula after he died and he killed them all and the CIA covered it up. And that’s why there’ll never be real change in this country, because all the government ever cares about is trying to keep people from finding out about the draculas.

Above: Holy shit, dude, draculas 

Huh. Come to think of it, there’ve been a lot of games about draculas, right? There was that one with the whip, that one with the giant Tom Waits… we could probably do a list article about this. Oh, and there was that one where the draculas were in the rain, too! I think it was called Resident Evil or Castledracula 64 or something. You should probably be writing these down.


Above: Oh, and then there was the one where you could totally see that dracula chick’s tits! It’s so cool that we don’t have to censor nudity in article images anymore 

Man, what if Hitler had been a dracula? That would have explained a whole hell of a lot. All sittin’ around with his cape and dracula trophy, ordering the extermination of gypsies while Goebbels laughs maniacally and tries to eat flies and rolls a monster blunt. Shit, I think we’re really on to something here. You think the CIA would, like, try and kidnap us if they knew we were talking about this? Oh shit dude, what if the CIA is reading this right now?

Holy crap, did a car pull up just now? Did you hear a car? I think I heard a car. I’m going to go to the window and look. Wait, do you think they’ll see me looking out the window and open fire? Oh god, I’m scared. I’m not ready to go to prison and they’re going to know what we’ve been talking about and what we’ve been doing. Why did I even tell you about the Hitler dracula thing? For all I know you’re working for them. Are you working for them? If you’re a cop you have to tell me.


Above: If you’re lying to me, this dog will know

Jesus, brah, quit hogging all the damn Cheetos.

63 comments

  • HeyShutUpThisIsntBrett - November 1, 2014 10:51 p.m.

    Four years later, still one of the best comedy articles on the internet. I missed it for 4/20 unfortunately but this time I'm reading it for Halloween I guess. The Laser Time article "Why Batman is Better than Dracula" reminded me of it.
  • ninjaemperor - April 20, 2013 9 a.m.

    I reread this beautiful article every year as my 4/20 tradition.
  • HeyShutUpThisIsntBrett - April 19, 2013 8:59 p.m.

    Just wanted to say, three years later and this is still the best 4/20 related article on all of the internet.
  • Jrm21 - April 20, 2012 12:07 p.m.

    2 years later, still priceless
  • batmanboy11 - July 26, 2011 9:22 p.m.

    Over a year later, still funny as balls
  • Chaoscoolperson - October 30, 2010 2:34 p.m.

    Best Article EVARZ
  • gmknoble - October 29, 2010 5:07 a.m.

    I haven't read this article yet, but I know that Mikel Reparaz would never, ever, EVER, smoke mary-j-you-wanna?, ever.... EVER!
  • nhoeven - April 25, 2010 2:50 p.m.

    Haha thats hillarious!! LOL
  • JustTheBoBreaker - April 24, 2010 2:10 p.m.

    That was amazing. The level of detail and work you put into this to look unprofessional is kind of astounding
  • Sukururu - April 24, 2010 2:46 a.m.

    Right dawg, I understand. What I don't get is why Hitler is dracula and not a werewolf. How would history change then....
  • Unoriginal - April 23, 2010 10:28 a.m.

    Best article of the year so far for me. Brilliant conclusion to the Hitler Trilogy
  • Spooge10 - April 23, 2010 2:04 a.m.

    I don't even smoke pot, but this article was fucking fantasmical. I think I came at least twice while reading this.
  • zigs - April 22, 2010 3:35 p.m.

    XD This was fucking fantastic! Had me in stitches, so funny. Kudos Mikel!
  • Major_Wuss - April 22, 2010 4:43 a.m.

    BROFIST
  • DrDevious - April 22, 2010 12:01 a.m.

    Best article ever. I joined Digg just to digg it
  • boxmeizter - April 21, 2010 10:41 p.m.

    i like that u mentioned the stereotype puffer that allways wanna listen to reggea RIGHT NOW...i know one of those, that a-hole btw im from CIA lol
  • Amnesiac - April 21, 2010 9:38 p.m.

    This article belongs in some kind of hall of fame.
  • Link555 - April 21, 2010 4:53 p.m.

    lol, love this article
  • sleepy92ismypsn - April 21, 2010 2:05 p.m.

    damn i was on yesterday but somehow missed this article well happy belated 420 to all gamesradarians. isnt it also bob marleys birthday on 420 .if hitler would have someked pot the holocaust would have never happened. all i did yesterday was smoke pot and play episodes from liberty city oh and a little bit of heavy rain that shit is intense when your stoned. and one last thing i would have voted for you Mikel. reCAPTCHA: potost edward dont know what that means but it has pot in it and my dads name is edward who "claims" he has smoked pot in years.
  • LifeVirus - October 23, 2014 5:10 a.m.

    Then how do you explain this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbqPCaAsydw

Showing 1-20 of 63 comments

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