What if… Hitler smoked pot?

And what does this have to do with videogames, exactly?

While all that sounds great, no World War II means no World War II videogames, or at the very least really sucky ones. This would be terrible for gaming; I mean, can you imagine what Wolfenstein would be like? It’d probably be about B.J. Blazcowicz running around, like, investigating why Hitler’s so interested in acquiring an ancient historical relic and whether the purchase is compliant with international antiquities law. Maybe at the end, he’d have to fight with a mechsuit-wearing bureaucrat who looks kinda like Hitler, armed only with a strongly worded letter of censure from the League of Nations. Meanwhile, Call of Duty would just be about standing around on the French border and occasionally checking the papers of people driving in and out of the country. It’d be about as exciting as those train simulators Japan is always so crazy about.


Above: Some people would argue this counts as a game. Preposterous!

In fact, that’s probably the real reason that Einstein never went back in time to kill Hitler, even though he totally could have.


Above: Clear proof from the documentary Command & Conquer: Red Alert

Dude, Einstein was a pimp. Did you see that show Sliders? I heard Einstein wrote it and then like some grave robbers discovered the scripts for it in his tomb, but then Einstein had turned into a dracula after he died and he killed them all and the CIA covered it up. And that’s why there’ll never be real change in this country, because all the government ever cares about is trying to keep people from finding out about the draculas.

Above: Holy shit, dude, draculas

Huh. Come to think of it, there’ve been a lot of games about draculas, right? There was that one with the whip, that one with the giant Tom Waits… we could probably do a list article about this. Oh, and there was that one where the draculas were in the rain, too! I think it was called Resident Evil or Castledracula 64 or something. You should probably be writing these down.


Above: Oh, and then there was the one where you could totally see that dracula chick’s tits! It’s so cool that we don’t have to censor nudity in article images anymore

Man, what if Hitler had been a dracula? That would have explained a whole hell of a lot. All sittin’ around with his cape and dracula trophy, ordering the extermination of gypsies while Goebbels laughs maniacally and tries to eat flies and rolls a monster blunt. Shit, I think we’re really on to something here. You think the CIA would, like, try and kidnap us if they knew we were talking about this? Oh shit dude, what if the CIA is reading this right now?

Holy crap, did a car pull up just now? Did you hear a car? I think I heard a car. I’m going to go to the window and look. Wait, do you think they’ll see me looking out the window and open fire? Oh god, I’m scared. I’m not ready to go to prison and they’re going to know what we’ve been talking about and what we’ve been doing. Why did I even tell you about the Hitler dracula thing? For all I know you’re working for them. Are you working for them? If you’re a cop you have to tell me.


Above: If you’re lying to me, this dog will know

Jesus, brah, quit hogging all the damn Cheetos.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

After graduating from college in 2000 with a BA in journalism, I worked for five years as a copy editor, page designer and videogame-review columnist at a couple of mid-sized newspapers you've never heard of. My column eventually got me a freelancing gig with GMR magazine, which folded a few months later. I was hired on full-time by GamesRadar in late 2005, and have since been paid actual money to write silly articles about lovable blobs.

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