Weird Alien Sex

10 reproductive shenanigans that could only happen in SF & fantasy. Parental guidance advised (although that makes it sound far too raunchy – don’t get your hopes up, this isn’t alien porn! It’s serious, academic analysis. Sort of…)

Sci-fi and fantasy is the most imaginative genre there is, and all that mind-blowing invention isn’t limited to Deep, Serious Matters. Oh no, people have been giving the subject of sex a lot of thought over the years: whether it’s equipping their alien characters with crazy genitalia or making their rumpy-pumpy the kind of rumpy-pumpy that makes our lowly human jaws drop with shock.

We’ve picked out ten of the oddest examples of sci-fornication taken to new levels...

1 Most Gifted Alien

Babylon 5 ’s Londo Mollari. Not only does the crafty Centauran have six tentacled penises (er, penii?), but they’re so dextrous he can actually use them to cheat at cards . Just make sure you don’t step on them as they trail on the floor... ouch!

2 Best “Hair Extension” Double-Entendre Waiting To Happen

The Na’vi in Avatar have special hair braids that they can plug into all sorts of handy sockets in order to bond with things. This apparently includes their partners when they have sex – and there’ll be more to see in the Avatar extended edition, according to James Cameron (talking to MTV News). “I would say, just so that we correctly manage people’s expectations, it does not change our rating at all,” he reveals (yes, we are disappointed). “I would call it more of an alien foreplay scene. It’s not like they’re ripping their clothes off and going at it...”

3 The “I Need An Extra Hand” Award Goes To...

...The Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon VI, Eccentrica Gallumbits, as described in The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy . We think the trio-boobed lady in Total Recall was a homage.

4 Best Knobbly Knees

One unnamed alien in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is floored by a kick to the kneecaps. “I was lucky that thing had knees!” puffs Kirk, recovering from the fight. “That was not his knee,” replies his companion, Martia. “Not everybody keeps their genitals in the same place, Captain.”

5 Worst Reproductive Cycle Ever

In Mork & Mindy , harmless alien visitor Mork falls in love with everygirl Mindy and they (presumably) have sex at some point, because Mork falls pregnant. He lays an egg out of his belly button and an adult baby comes out of it in the shape of Jonathan Winters’ Mearth. Played for comedy, it’s funny. Otherwise it’s pretty much Alien without the facehugger and the screaming.

* Interestingly, this feature provoked a heated debate about the sex life of the aliens from the Alien franchise, and we were shocked to realise that while we know tons about their reproductive cycle (and they’re quite clearly Freudian in conception) we don’t actually ever learn if they do the (many-toothed) beast with two backs. It’s quite possible that for all their love of invasiveness, they may not copulate in the traditional sense. No wonder they have anger issues. On the other hand, the Queen must become pregnant somehow…

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6 The “We Would Hate It If That Happened To Us” Award

The alien serial-shagger/killer stars of Species and its dubious follow-ups have some funny ideas about sex – mainly that it should always end up with someone dead. But nothing quite beats Species 2 and the way Eve spouts tentacles from her nipples while bonking. Eww.

7 Worst Use Of Sushi

You can’t show men’s dangly bits in Japanese porn films, be they real-life or anime. And so, rather cleverly, some scamp decided that tentacles could do just the same job, and thus tentacle porn was born. If you’ve seen Urotsukidouji ( Legend Of The Overfiend ), you’ll know what those suckers can get up to... and into.

8 Grossest Mating Dance

Futurama ’s Doctor Zoidberg – hardly the most handsome of crustaceans – constructs a sandcastle of shells and seaweed on a beach, jumps on top of it and does a half-naked erotic dance that involves snapping his claws and slapping his skin. G is for gross.

9 Most Unappealing Use Of Viagra

Barbarella uncovers a whole new world of sexual pleasure after a series of adventures sparked off by a zero-gravity striptease. The reason for her excitement? In her world sex is distilled into a pill taken by the amorous couple. There’s no snogging, touching or rolling around, just a bit of a headrush. Rubbish!

10 Best Use Of Vagina Dentata (not that we’re saying it’s a good thing, mind...)

In 1987’s The Hidden , an alien parasite arrives on Earth and jumps from human to human while being chased by Kyle MacLachlan’s fellow alien cop. (It’s a largely unknown classic: check it out if you can.) One of the bad alien’s human hosts is Claudia Christian’s stripper, who takes an annoying punter for the ride of his life in her car. Let’s just say that what goes in does not come out again...