Videogame characters that should never be in porn (again)

The goggles will do nothing

We all love videogames. We all love porn. What better example of synergy could there be than a fusion of the two? Videogames and porn, together at last! Nobody could ever find a way to mess that up, could they?

Oh right... we live in the same world as the Internet.

Introducing eight of the most obscure, abstract, screwed up, downright disturbing examples of videogame characters that should never, ever have been in porn... yet for some reason were. You might want to smear some Vaseline on your monitors, folks, because this ain't going to be pretty.


Jurassic Portions

Gears of War is one of the least sexy videogame universes we can think of. So far, the franchise's most eligible female is the Locust Queen, a lady who looks like she was sculpted out of ear wax and left to harden in the Sun. Naturally, sexing up any of the humanoid characters in Gears of War is a difficult task, so what did one intrepid artist do?

He used a Brumak.

Gamers, taking an already unsexy videogame and making it even worse. Congratulations!


Deku Seed

The Legend of Zelda is a series ripe for perversion, and you can't survive long on the Internet without inadvertently (yeah, right) stumbling upon a doodle of Link giving the titular princess a taste of his Master Sword. Naturally, some artists find that situation far too vanilla, which is why this image exists.

Yes, it's the Deku Scrub Brothers, making sure that one of their number doesn't suffer from "lost wood." Well, if you've got a long trunk that's used to the taste of nuts, you might as well put it to good use, right?


Cybersex

While researching a recent article on Doom, I came to a most horrific realization. Doom porn exists. Not just a little bit of Doom porn, but buckets of the stuff. Imps, Arachnotrons, Cyberdemons%26hellip; absolutely nothing is sacred. Here's the best of the bunch, a seductive Spider Mastermind with more cushion for the pushin'.

Now, I'm not one to judge, as a firm believer that we should be free to do as we wish provided it harms nobody, but I must say I have a moral objection to this. Not because it's offensive or upsetting, but because it's an example of perversion greed. It's already messed up to sexualize a Cyberdemon, but to then turn it into a plumper as well? That's just excessive. It's like when people draw pictures of anime women with massive penises. Isn't it weird enough that you're drawing naked cartoon characters? Why is the giant plonker needed? That's over-egging the pudding, by anybody's standards.

A spider cyborg BBW... at least one can say they never expected to imagine that concept when they woke up this morning.


Snake Backwards

Pok%26eacute;mon porn is not a new idea, but nobody could ever fathom how the pairing of a Pikachu and an Ekans came about. I literally have no idea what either of them are getting out of this arrangement. In fact, the image is so demented that even without the censorship it's impossible to work out who is doing what to whom and why they'd want to do it.

On the bright side, this can also be added to the list of things you could never have expected to witness today. Like pretty much everything else in this accursed article.

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