Videogame characters that should never be in porn (again)

The goggles will do nothing

They may be freelance police, but Sam & Max are most certainly free with their lances. It's hard to imagine a less sexy pair of cartoon animals. They're adorable, certainly, but who in their right mind could get off on these black-eyed, freakish, bipedal animal people?

Well, somebody was able to maintain a twisted pleasure from the unnatural pairing. More than one person, in fact. The provided picture is just one example of many filthy scribbles, and you can feel free to hunt down more if it tickles your fancy. Dirty boy.


Who's Your Daddy?

Sure, pornographic scrawlings of the Big Sister make for a predictable spin-off of BioShock 2. When the lanky enemy was first revealed, there was no way it wouldn't be sexualized, and there is plenty of deep sea dreadfulness floating around the Web. However, not in a million years couldthis sick scenario be predicted. Subject Delta, giving a Rapture rogering to this Thuggish Splicer:

Although the image is tastefully edited, it's recommended you do some homework and check out the full picture, as it truly is a sight to behold. Make sure to note the individual hairs that have been drawn on the Splicer's ample arse. A lot of love and care went into this picture. If you're feeling slightly sick at that thought, don't worry. It'll pass.


Red Hot Tip

Close your eyes and try to name any videogame character that deserves to be eroticized. Were you thinking of Firebrand from Ghouls & Goblins? No, of course you weren't. Firebrand has to rank among the least sexy videogame characters in history, and yet you'd be shocked by just how much ink has been dedicated to the portrayal of this beast as some sort of lust object.

Even by gargoyle standards, Firebrand is pretty hideous, yet it has been rendered in two genders, performing all kinds of distressing carnal acts. No wonder Sir Arthur wanted to keep his armor on.


Molluck's Meat

There is so much wrong with this picture that it's almost impressive. The fact it's about Oddworld is grotesque enough, considering that absolutely nothing from the series could be considered even close to physically attractive. Then there's the fact that the entire drawing is a set up for a very tenuous "meat" joke. Oh, and the Slig in the background whose entire body ends in a yellow penis is pretty bad.

However, it's the quality of the drawing that is truly the worst part. In truth, not a lot of Oddworld porn exists, so it would be clear that whoever was responsible for this piece of work was trying to plug a gap in the market, despite his own lack of artistic talent. Almost as if he was so desperate for a picture of Abe gobbling a Glukkon that he resorted to drawing it himself to get it out of his system. He probably got arrested later for exposing himself on a school bus.

Not that we're saying it definitely happened, but it definitely did.

May 10, 2010

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