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Videogame characters that should never be in porn (again)

We all love videogames. We all love porn. What better example of synergy could there be than a fusion of the two? Videogames and porn, together at last! Nobody could ever find a way to mess that up, could they?

Oh right... we live in the same world as the Internet.

Introducing eight of the most obscure, abstract, screwed up, downright disturbing examples of videogame characters that should never, ever have been in porn... yet for some reason were. You might want to smear some Vaseline on your monitors, folks, because this ain't going to be pretty.


Jurassic Portions

Gears of War is one of the least sexy videogame universes we can think of. So far, the franchise's most eligible female is the Locust Queen, a lady who looks like she was sculpted out of ear wax and left to harden in the Sun. Naturally, sexing up any of the humanoid characters in Gears of War is a difficult task, so what did one intrepid artist do?

He used a Brumak.

Gamers, taking an already unsexy videogame and making it even worse. Congratulations!


Deku Seed

The Legend of Zelda is a series ripe for perversion, and you can't survive long on the Internet without inadvertently (yeah, right) stumbling upon a doodle of Link giving the titular princess a taste of his Master Sword. Naturally, some artists find that situation far too vanilla, which is why this image exists.

Yes, it's the Deku Scrub Brothers, making sure that one of their number doesn't suffer from "lost wood." Well, if you've got a long trunk that's used to the taste of nuts, you might as well put it to good use, right?


Cybersex

While researching a recent article on Doom, I came to a most horrific realization. Doom porn exists. Not just a little bit of Doom porn, but buckets of the stuff. Imps, Arachnotrons, Cyberdemons… absolutely nothing is sacred. Here's the best of the bunch, a seductive Spider Mastermind with more cushion for the pushin'.

Now, I'm not one to judge, as a firm believer that we should be free to do as we wish provided it harms nobody, but I must say I have a moral objection to this. Not because it's offensive or upsetting, but because it's an example of perversion greed. It's already messed up to sexualize a Cyberdemon, but to then turn it into a plumper as well? That's just excessive. It's like when people draw pictures of anime women with massive penises. Isn't it weird enough that you're drawing naked cartoon characters? Why is the giant plonker needed? That's over-egging the pudding, by anybody's standards.

A spider cyborg BBW... at least one can say they never expected to imagine that concept when they woke up this morning.


Snake Backwards

Pokémon porn is not a new idea, but nobody could ever fathom how the pairing of a Pikachu and an Ekans came about. I literally have no idea what either of them are getting out of this arrangement. In fact, the image is so demented that even without the censorship it's impossible to work out who is doing what to whom and why they'd want to do it.

On the bright side, this can also be added to the list of things you could never have expected to witness today. Like pretty much everything else in this accursed article.

60 comments

  • barfininpublic - November 14, 2010 4:44 p.m.

    Found Brumak one http://rule34.paheal.net/post/view/401092#search=Brumak
  • Smeggs - June 8, 2010 6:53 a.m.

    Although I do see the irony in finding this depraved article of videogame pr0ns right after my friend randomly said about an hour ago "Dude, I bet I could find some porn of Gears of War." While being bored looking shit up on his PSP...Now I can give him a reference.
  • Smeggs - June 8, 2010 6:49 a.m.

    WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN-WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN LOOKING AT?!!!!!?!!!
  • BlazingPassion - May 16, 2010 5:01 p.m.

    Okay...the Deku Tree and Big Daddy...kinda of threw up a little in my mouth. But the Ekans and Pikachu aren't that bad. It could had been worst...HOT WAILORD ON SKITTY ACTION! <.< Also...Left 4 Dead anyone...Promiscuous scenes of the Spitter and the Smoker...am I scaring anyone...Good :3
  • RogueRED - May 14, 2010 2:29 a.m.

    http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:M-sBU_o2T8WGSM:http://rule34-images.paheal.net/4bd77c459c2562d839ce3de5bd278308/388265%2520-%2520Ekans%2520Nintendo%2520Pikachu%2520Pokemon.jpg DISTURBED FOR LIFE ReCaptcha: Cabooses ther Yes I see the cabooses.
  • Hellwilder - May 13, 2010 10:35 p.m.

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH D: What kind of sick person draw this?! Worse than that, who looks for these kind of pictures >_<
  • JimSterling - May 13, 2010 2:37 a.m.

    gloodaa: A little of Google, a little hard digging into some of the most depraved online galleries imaginable. Thorough research went into this, in the name of JOURNALISM!
  • gloodaa - May 12, 2010 7:39 p.m.

    where did you find this depraved stuff? and don't say a google search!!! this stuff is hidden deep within the bowels of the internet...
  • Clovin64 - May 12, 2010 5:49 p.m.

    I did an Oedipus impression and poked my eyes out after reading this. Now my HD tv is useless:( This article has single handedly put me off everything sex related until *checks calendar* FOREVER. I bet you can even find porn involving Dr Salvador and the midgit from Resi 4 (that wasn't a sly hint that I've found it by the way).
  • oniontrain - May 12, 2010 5:37 p.m.

    Oo, look, I'm on there twice. Believe it or not that Brumak was a commission. Yes, somebody paid me to draw it because he felt it had to exist. All that and more awfulness can be pulled up on paheal by searching my artist tag (same as this username)
  • eee - May 12, 2010 5:16 p.m.

    I bet half of you faped to this but it actually makes my stomach hurt looking at this I have never felt this way about pictures before.
  • Heyexclamationpoint - May 12, 2010 12:58 a.m.

    This better be discussed on this week's Talkradar
  • cyanide4suicide - May 12, 2010 12:33 a.m.

    Rule 34 is a double edged sword. There's stuff you want to see, then there's sh1t you wished you never saw.
  • Ravenbom - May 11, 2010 8:50 p.m.

    LMFAO! Especially at the Sam and Max Hardcore!
  • Tymiegie - May 11, 2010 7:13 p.m.

    I was just playing Sam & Max: Beyond Time and Space TODAY!!! Now, I will most definitely NOT be playing it for at least... Two years? Is that enough time to erase that from my memory? Maybe...
  • AA95mp - May 11, 2010 3:03 p.m.

    my boner is dead.
  • Xplosive59 - May 11, 2010 2:21 p.m.

    2 brumaks 1 cup anyone?
  • TyeTheCzar - May 11, 2010 1:55 p.m.

    Too bad you didn't happen to mention Sonic. Good DAMN I hate what "fans" have done to them.
  • Pirazha - May 11, 2010 12:38 p.m.

    @JimSterling: Yeah, you're right. My bad. Still don't know what's going on in the 4th picture though.
  • philipshaw - May 11, 2010 10:39 a.m.

    I've seen it, I can't unsee it

Showing 1-20 of 60 comments

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