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Video game villains who got away with it

Now don’t get your Valve-branded briefs in a twist. We know the G-Man has never categorically been outed as the definitive villain of Half-Life. But, c’mon, video game law states any character wearing a sharp suit and briefcase combo is 97.3% sure to be evil incarnate. He’s so shifty, too, conducting events around Freeman like a tightly-scripted play and always appearing right before the faeces hits the fan. G can also manipulate time. And, unless you’re Doctor Emmet Brown, this automatically makes you a malevolent SOB.


Above: The G-Man controlling time = no good

We all suck. Can’t we just leave indigenous species of harmless giant killer apes alone? So the big guy might have scoffed a few hundred Skull Island maids down the years. That doesn’t give us the right to force him to perform on Broadway, tease him with a monkey seductress, and then fill his face full of biplane lead. Us pesky people always get away with this sort of thing. Rest easy Kong, pal. Your rotting 25 foot tall corpse is in a better place.


Above: All freakishly big gorillas go to heaven

Regardless of MGS 4's ending painting the Ruskie crack marksman as a patriot, Ocelot still gets away with all his murdering antics almost scot-free in Sons of Liberty. Aside from occasionally being possessed by mass murderer Liquid Snake, there’s no real comeuppance for this baddy. He shoots his best mate in the back. Messes with Fortune by killing her old man, before putting a bullet in her heart. And even has time to make a getaway in a shiny new killer robot.

Here’s a lesson for you kids: kidnapping a child’s only family is the perfect foundation to build a long and media-spanning career on. That’s right, everyone’s favourite toilet tradesman wasn’t always the amiable stereotype we’ve all taken to our hearts. During the simpler times of 1982, Mario flirted with felonies, as he kidnapped the original Donkey Kong, putting his son through the most sophisticated acts of 8bit psychological torture we’ve ever seen. His punishment? Becoming a more recognisable and beloved icon than Mickey Mouse. What. A. Dick.

May 01, 2009

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39 comments

  • joeperfect - September 7, 2010 3:32 p.m.

    g man isnt a enemy he just watches you
  • Franjman - October 4, 2009 4:47 p.m.

    What about Ganondorf he always comes back its not like he is always in punishment and hes got the badass form of ganon thats gotta count for something.
  • dibber - May 16, 2009 12:34 p.m.

    Hah. "Robert Mugabe of the Mushroom Kingdom". Love it.
  • fairlightprincess - May 4, 2009 1:42 a.m.

    Oh my gosh! XD Mario is such an evil ass! I knew something was wrong with him!
  • SwampRock - May 3, 2009 10:42 p.m.

    I laughed when carmine died, because I knew it was going to happen, but at the same time made me want to kill locust even more! them and their giant worm...
  • skyline19 - May 3, 2009 12:07 p.m.

    Ocelot damn right, one of my favourite ever villains right there.
  • Sweetwater110 - May 3, 2009 3:10 a.m.

    "That sucks man" we risk our lives out there and all the thanks we get, is getting kicked in the balls, when the bad guys get away with it. Like B. Carmine for example, think about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • CountFenring - May 2, 2009 8:59 p.m.

    Mary McFly can make any list a excellent list.
  • jar-head - May 2, 2009 4:58 p.m.

    i Would LOVE to see how GR did this article but input KOTOR2, the villian is the Force, good, evil, their is the Force. but their doesn't have to be a war
  • Blackhook - May 2, 2009 9:07 a.m.

    What about Dr. Wily? In MM9 noone seems to care that he tried to take over the world more than once or twice and are willing to send money to his swiss conto....and not even Megaman can Hurt him since good robots musn´t hurt humans
  • GoldenMe - May 1, 2009 10:24 p.m.

    "What’s worse, with Sega now more concerned with getting Sonic laid and beating fat plumbers at Olympic sports..." I hate Sega. My favorite franchise now in shambles, all because they can't put effort into the game that started them. Then again, Sonic Team isn't helping. Fuck them.
  • Unoriginal - May 1, 2009 7:06 p.m.

    Mario games tend to re-invent themselves every few entrys. How about in the next one you are the villain. How about this time YOU kidnap Bowser, or better yet, his children and make him go collecting stars and whatnot.
  • sixboxes - May 1, 2009 5:32 p.m.

    Whoa wait - you mention Mario AND Bowser, and NOT the OG villain, Donkey Kong? wtf GR? He was making Mario jump over shit to rescue damsels well before Bowser was even hatched. Come to think of it, maybe Mario was just administering justice to ol' DK before junior, his heir apparent to the Kong Krime Syndikate (yeah just thought that one up on the fly), tried to bust him out. And he gets to play tennis, go kart racing, and all that happy crappy.
  • Seabread - May 1, 2009 2:17 p.m.

    A decent article but a bit short. surely there are much more - i was surprised Crackdown wasn't in there. MassSaber - Have you read the associated article "Why you're the bad guy in GoW"?
  • Games_Radar_DaveMeikleham - May 1, 2009 1:57 p.m.

    Ah contraire, the Tingler. You only get the non cannon happy ending for the Kongster if you've completed the game at least once.
  • Sash - May 1, 2009 12:36 p.m.

    Yay another SOTC mention!
  • cookie23q - May 1, 2009 12:25 p.m.

    yer every 1 luvs a bad guy
  • helix92 - May 1, 2009 12:22 p.m.

    Mwa ha ha ha! Evil triumphs again!
  • GeneralTickTock - May 5, 2009 4:21 a.m.

    Robert Mugabe of the Mushroom Kingdom? thats pretty harsh
  • Shane1403 - May 4, 2009 4:48 p.m.

    The morale of the story seems to be that the good guys are just idiots.

Showing 1-20 of 39 comments

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