Video game characters' calls to tech support

Can't get soul gems to recharge his weapons no matter how many he tries

Transcription log of call dated Morndas, 14th of Frostfall, 4E 201:

Tech Support: Hello, you’ve reached the Winterhold College Tech Support line. How can I help you today?

Dovahkiin: Finally. Yes, I’m trying to recharge my enchanted weapon with your crapping soul gems, but it isn’t working. They’re trash. Total trash.

TS: I’m sorry to hear that you’re having trouble with the soul gems, sir. Which ones in particular are causing you problems?

D: Well, I’m trying several. I’ve got fragments, Grand Soul Gems… everything in-between. They’re s***. They don’t do a f***ing thing.

TS: Please calm down, sir, there’s no need to shout.

D: I’m not… I’m not shouting. Believe me, you’d know if I was shouting.

TS: OK. So do you have a soul gem to hand, sir?

D: Yes.

TS: And you’ve checked it’s charged with a soul, yes?

D: Sorry?

TS: You’ve soul trapped the soul of one of your dead enemies inside the soul gem, yes?

D: Er…

TS: You need to trap a soul in the soul gem before you can use it to recharge an enchanted weapon, sir.

D: (silence)

TS: Are you still there, sir?

D: Well where does it bloody well say you have to do that?

TS: It’s pretty common knowledge you need to charge Soul Gems before you use them, sir... Do you need a weapon with a soul trap enchantment on it? Or a spell tome?

D: F*** you, you patronizing son of a Hagraven! I was slaying Draugr when you were still reading the Children’s Anuad, you snotty-nosed imp. No wonder the college has such a bad reputation these days. It’s run by tactless, know-it-all pricks like you. Might I suggest your manager puts you on a Speechcraft course?

TS: Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?

***CALL ENDS***