Video game characters' calls to tech support

Because nothing works perfectly 100% of the time

Can't get soul gems to recharge his weapons no matter how many he tries

Transcription log of call dated Morndas, 14th of Frostfall, 4E 201:

Tech Support: Hello, you’ve reached the Winterhold College Tech Support line. How can I help you today?

Dovahkiin: Finally. Yes, I’m trying to recharge my enchanted weapon with your crapping soul gems, but it isn’t working. They’re trash. Total trash.

TS: I’m sorry to hear that you’re having trouble with the soul gems, sir. Which ones in particular are causing you problems?

D: Well, I’m trying several. I’ve got fragments, Grand Soul Gems… everything in-between. They’re s***. They don’t do a f***ing thing.

TS: Please calm down, sir, there’s no need to shout.

D: I’m not… I’m not shouting. Believe me, you’d know if I was shouting.

TS: OK. So do you have a soul gem to hand, sir?

D: Yes.

TS: And you’ve checked it’s charged with a soul, yes?

D: Sorry?

TS: You’ve soul trapped the soul of one of your dead enemies inside the soul gem, yes?

D: Er…

TS: You need to trap a soul in the soul gem before you can use it to recharge an enchanted weapon, sir.

D: (silence)

TS: Are you still there, sir?

D: Well where does it bloody well say you have to do that?

TS: It’s pretty common knowledge you need to charge Soul Gems before you use them, sir... Do you need a weapon with a soul trap enchantment on it? Or a spell tome?

D: F*** you, you patronizing son of a Hagraven! I was slaying Draugr when you were still reading the Children’s Anuad, you snotty-nosed imp. No wonder the college has such a bad reputation these days. It’s run by tactless, know-it-all pricks like you. Might I suggest your manager puts you on a Speechcraft course?

TS: Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?

***CALL ENDS***

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The longest-serving GR+ staffer, I was here when all this was just fields. I'm currently Reviews Editor but still find time to speedrun Sonic levels and make daft Photoshop articles.
We recommend