Video game box art interpreted by children

What will their innocent little minds make of it?

FIFA 11: "The Team"

My mini-me spawnlings know almost bugger all about football (they say things like "Is Chelsea playing England?"), but I would love it if my favourite football game was called 'The Team'. It evokes far more of the feelings that we should associate with the 'spirit' of the world's most popular sport. As opposed to 'FIFA', which evokes feelings I associate with a greedy bureaucracy of corrupt old men. Kids - loads. Old Men - nil.

ModNation Racers: "Little Go-Kart People"

Yes, I get why it's called 'ModNation Racers' because you can, like, mod your characters and tracks and vehicles and share it with the nation and then race and stuff... but 'Little Go-Kart People' kicks its ass. Learn from the children - they are blessed and they keep it simple.

Portal 2: "Death of the Robots"

When I held this one up, I was half expecting them to say something like, "Yes father, after brief consultation we propose that an appropriate appellation based on the software's visual representation could be 'The Inter-Spatial Exploits of Intelligent Robotic Agents'. But they didn't. 'Death of the Robots' is still good though.

Vanquish: "Transform Myself"

I have no idea how the miniature Cundy replicants came up with this. It's possibly because a) the dude on the front looks a bit like a Transformer (although to my knowledge the kids are not familiar with Transformers) or b) Vanquish has a lenticular cover which looks like it's transforming a bit I suppose. But seeing as though the game features a special weapon that transforms, it is weird that they should choose something seemingly unrelated to the art but totally related to the game. Perhaps they've been playing it while I'm in bed. I need to set better traps around the TV.

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion = "I, Tooth"

This is honestly what they said. Like this could be a game about the existential ponderings of a lateral incisor trying to find answers in a world of premolars. I don't know where they get this shit from. Although there's no denying that the symbol on the cover does look a lot like a tooth. As box-art goes, it's pretty terrible.

Halo 3 = "The Destroyers"

The kids can't tell that the dude in the space suit is meant to be one of the good guys. "But he's the one trying to save humanity from a belligerent theocratic alliance of alien races," I explain. They both look at me blankly and walk out of the room. "Wait!" I say, "there's still loads more games to get through... if you leave now YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT THE PONY!"

"WE DON'T EVEN WANT A PONY!" they shout in reply. They don't come back. Play time's over for dad.

And that's that. I have to say I was very impressed with their suggestions. If I accidentally find myself in charge of a game company, I will definitely employ my daughters as the official persons that give names to all the games. I thought they did a very good job and came up with some better names than the actual real names. But maybe I'm biased. What do you guys think?

Oct 5, 2011

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.
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