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Useless game heroes who couldn’t save the girl


Travis Grady (Silent Hill Origins)


Travis is a proper man-shaped, lump of heroism wrapped up in a Marty McFly-style life preserver and trucker’s hat. Now’s that’s a man’s, man’s, man’s man.

The girl he can’t save: Alessa Gillespie

Charred to an agonising crisp in a house fire from the moment we meet her, it’s hard to judge the merits or failures of this small child’s character. We will say that that flame-grilled chic is really not the way to go this winter.

How he lets her die

Despite saving her from a burning house, Travis wasn’t quick enough to stop her dying from fatal burns shortly afterwards. So with Grady relatively blame free, we’ll point the finger at Silent Hill’s lazy asshole firemen. Really, where the hell were they? In fairness, they were probably being skinned/sexually violated by Pyramid Head, so we’ll let them off the hook. Thankfully, finish the game with the good ending and half of Alessa’s soul is resurrected in a newborn baby. Awwww, how beautifully disturbing.





Commander Shepard (Mass Effect)


As heroic/maniacal as you want him/her to be. We pretty much acted like the biggest prick in the galaxy for 15 hours, before repenting with a few redeeming acts in the last ten minutes. The morally ambiguous system works.

The girl he can’t save: Ashley Williams

As happy dropping her space britches for superiors as she is shooting Geth in the guts, Miss Williams is a smoking hot space hussy. She’d have the total package, if she wasn’t a big, fat alien-hating racist.

How he lets her die

Barely bats an eyelid as he decides to let Ashley heroically check out by detonating a bomb that destroys an army of Krogan warriors. Depending on the player’s choices Ashley can be saved. But, being the little Miss Bigot she is, it hardly seems worth it. Besides, there’s always that blue alien chick if you’re pining for a midnight tumble in the cold, dark depths of space.





Cloud (Final Fantasy VII)


The girl he can’t save: Aeris

She gets stabbed by Sephiroth. He can’t stop it. He sucks. Get over it.

Nov 3, 2009


The Top 7... Damsels You DON'T Want to Save
Screw chivalry! These ladies deserve distress


Gaming’s least hard hard-men
They look tough, but they're really pansies

42 comments

  • SolPrincess - November 16, 2009 10:57 a.m.

    LMAO I need that Conker game. And yeah I thought from FF7, isnt it Aerith, not Aeris? Hmmm.... I saw Maria from GoW2 dying at my friends house...pretty sad sctually. And Leon from Resi2 so failed XD Good article though :)
  • coltwood93 - November 13, 2009 2:24 a.m.

    I think Colton and the Prostitute from "Gun" should be here
  • gmilf71 - November 10, 2009 8:54 a.m.

    Didn't niomi kind of deserve it, though?
  • Paxis - November 8, 2009 3:21 a.m.

    Zack beats Cloud.
  • phgreat1 - November 7, 2009 2:06 a.m.

    How you imply Solid Snake is a Useless Game Hero.
  • demonslayer76 - November 6, 2009 11:37 p.m.

    lol conker one thing you guys left out, Berri was aslo sucked out of the airlock with the ducttapeaphobic professor also, conker doesnt go back in time, he technicly hacks the game and spawns a katana to kill the alien a sequal would be nice, i wanna kill more nazi tedy bears and squirel zombies
  • doggyystyle - November 6, 2009 7:21 p.m.

    nice article!!!
  • Heyexclamationpoint - November 5, 2009 11:18 p.m.

    The FF7 entry made me laugh.
  • idlemindkiller - November 4, 2009 9:53 p.m.

    HAHAHA Cloud sucks!!!!!
  • Redeater - November 4, 2009 8:06 p.m.

    "Don't dis Cloud"???? Comments like MightyCrow's are the reason why i hate STILL hearing about ff7!
  • MightyCrow - November 4, 2009 5:45 p.m.

    don't dis Cloud! FFVII is awesome on PSP (psone classic)
  • Styrophoamicus - November 4, 2009 4:26 p.m.

    I agree with helix92, you should have added Trish. If you're good, she dies and tells you how proud she is. If you're bad, she dies and basically calls you selfish. And (SPOILER) it turns out that Cole from the future made it all happen. also, I lol'd at the pic of Travis Grady. Silent Hill Photobomb!
  • LeeCarvallo - November 4, 2009 2:11 p.m.

    I think this thread is quite sexist actually. Half these women do not actually fit the role of damsel in distress. Meryl, Ada, Berri, and Ashley, were strong characters who knowingly knew that they were facing danger. They should not be considered "girls" whose men needed to save them.
  • Brutus - November 4, 2009 9:52 a.m.

    rofl @ cloud!
  • Amatarasu - November 4, 2009 5:40 a.m.

    what about that chick from dead rising, not only does she die, she dies because frank bought a zombie infected seinor citizein into the otherwise...well safe safe house, AND she isn't realy dead,just zombified, and guess who kills her,again?
  • lovinmyps3 - November 4, 2009 4:45 a.m.

    Love the FF VII one. Made me chuckle. XD
  • smallberry - November 4, 2009 3:23 a.m.

    Awww Charlie you beat me to it. Well there is no love lost for Ashley Williams. She wouldn't put out for my female Shepard anyway.
  • bamb0o-stick - November 4, 2009 2:06 a.m.

    Max Payne: When Mona takes it to the head, and then another bullet in the sequel.
  • Smeggs - November 4, 2009 2:01 a.m.

    I let Ashley die, she's gotta be the biggest ass-hole you run into. at least the Reapers weren't picky when they wanted to wipe out all life. Anyone who hasn't seen it yet go look up Wrex's death scene on Youtube, she actually seems to enjoy splattering him on the sand.
  • kissmeimgreek - November 4, 2009 1:59 a.m.

    that conker section reminded me of something.... *ehm* "it sure would be great if now that okami finally got a sequel yall could focus on another game (since yall are obviously the reason why it got one) COUGH COUGH *conker 2* COUCH

Showing 1-20 of 42 comments

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