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Useless game heroes who couldn’t save the girl


Niko Bellic (Grand Theft Auto IV)


Again, hero is a pretty generous description for this amoral Balkan assassin. But he occasionally whines about how he hates killing (usually before brutally mugging hookers and shooting tramps), which qualifies him as a conflicted hero in the pages of our morally murky book.



The girl he can’t save:
Kate McReary

Prim, reasonably proper and only a bit of an alcoholic, Kate is by far the least offensive member of her drugged-up, murderous family. And, unlike almost every other female character in GTA history, she doesn’t drop her drawers the instant you take her out for a game of bowling and a Burger Shot.

How he lets her die

Royally pisses off mob boss Jimmy Pegorino, who subsequently takes his revenge by gunning down Kate at a wedding. But it all hangs on that old ‘depending on your choices’ chestnut. Choose to ignore her advice in the previous mission and Niko’s chubby cousin bites it instead. Regardless, we blame Niko for dragging Kate into his shady world in the first place.





Leon S. Kennedy (Resident Evil 2)


A fresh-faced rookie cop, Leon endures the first day from hell while battling zombies, lickers and giant crocodiles throughout Raccoon City’s police precinct. Maintains the kind of stiff upper lip and utterly shit voice acting prowess that any Resi hero would be proud of.



The girl he can’t save: Ada Wong

Sexy, deadly, mysterious. It’s unclear whether Ada is a love interest or dirty backstabber throughout most of Resi 2. Mind you, there’s no denying she looks good in a sexy, if ridiculously inappropriate cocktail dress.

How he lets her die

Leon lets her suffer a huge fall after Ada gets shot by the unhinged Annette Berkin. And before you turn up at GR Towers with flaming pitchforks, we’re fully aware she survives. But, until she flew through a window in Resi 4, most people assumed she was pushing up undead daises. Anyhoo, putting aside the fact the hefty drop doesn’t actually kill her, Leon’s embarrassing, uninterested attempts at saving her are laughable. Honestly, he holds onto her for about five seconds before casually letting the gibbon-armed girl of his dreams drop to her mysterious fate.


Above: Watch closely for her circus freak arms. Seriously, they go down past her knees




Conker (Conker's Bad Fur Day)


Short tempered, constantly horny and a raging drunk, Conker is a fitting hero for modern times. He might be more concerned with knocking ten pints back than helping his fellow woodland animals, but he usually comes through in the end. Albeit usually by accident, thanks to his bumbling, alcoholic antics.

The gi… chipmunk he can’t save: Berri

Originally an unassuming cuddly character who wouldn’t look
out of place in Steamboat Willy, Berri was sexed up to look like something out of Uncle Walt’s ‘private’ scrapbook. Not only a looker (eh, if you’re into that type of thing <cough>), she’s also deadly with a pair of Matrix-style Uzis.

How he lets her die

Watches on feebly as she gets blown away by a Tommy Gun-packing Mafia don, who also happens to be a weasel. Shortly after, in a fourth-wall breaking, finger-flipping moment towards players, the game freezes during the final boss battle. This gives Conker the chance to rewind time. He has the brains to best the H.R. Giger alien he’s fighting, but forgets to stop Berri getting pumped full of bullets. We blame the sauce. Lousy drunk.



42 comments

  • SolPrincess - November 16, 2009 10:57 a.m.

    LMAO I need that Conker game. And yeah I thought from FF7, isnt it Aerith, not Aeris? Hmmm.... I saw Maria from GoW2 dying at my friends house...pretty sad sctually. And Leon from Resi2 so failed XD Good article though :)
  • coltwood93 - November 13, 2009 2:24 a.m.

    I think Colton and the Prostitute from "Gun" should be here
  • gmilf71 - November 10, 2009 8:54 a.m.

    Didn't niomi kind of deserve it, though?
  • Paxis - November 8, 2009 3:21 a.m.

    Zack beats Cloud.
  • phgreat1 - November 7, 2009 2:06 a.m.

    How you imply Solid Snake is a Useless Game Hero.
  • demonslayer76 - November 6, 2009 11:37 p.m.

    lol conker one thing you guys left out, Berri was aslo sucked out of the airlock with the ducttapeaphobic professor also, conker doesnt go back in time, he technicly hacks the game and spawns a katana to kill the alien a sequal would be nice, i wanna kill more nazi tedy bears and squirel zombies
  • doggyystyle - November 6, 2009 7:21 p.m.

    nice article!!!
  • Heyexclamationpoint - November 5, 2009 11:18 p.m.

    The FF7 entry made me laugh.
  • idlemindkiller - November 4, 2009 9:53 p.m.

    HAHAHA Cloud sucks!!!!!
  • Redeater - November 4, 2009 8:06 p.m.

    "Don't dis Cloud"???? Comments like MightyCrow's are the reason why i hate STILL hearing about ff7!
  • MightyCrow - November 4, 2009 5:45 p.m.

    don't dis Cloud! FFVII is awesome on PSP (psone classic)
  • Styrophoamicus - November 4, 2009 4:26 p.m.

    I agree with helix92, you should have added Trish. If you're good, she dies and tells you how proud she is. If you're bad, she dies and basically calls you selfish. And (SPOILER) it turns out that Cole from the future made it all happen. also, I lol'd at the pic of Travis Grady. Silent Hill Photobomb!
  • LeeCarvallo - November 4, 2009 2:11 p.m.

    I think this thread is quite sexist actually. Half these women do not actually fit the role of damsel in distress. Meryl, Ada, Berri, and Ashley, were strong characters who knowingly knew that they were facing danger. They should not be considered "girls" whose men needed to save them.
  • Brutus - November 4, 2009 9:52 a.m.

    rofl @ cloud!
  • Amatarasu - November 4, 2009 5:40 a.m.

    what about that chick from dead rising, not only does she die, she dies because frank bought a zombie infected seinor citizein into the otherwise...well safe safe house, AND she isn't realy dead,just zombified, and guess who kills her,again?
  • lovinmyps3 - November 4, 2009 4:45 a.m.

    Love the FF VII one. Made me chuckle. XD
  • smallberry - November 4, 2009 3:23 a.m.

    Awww Charlie you beat me to it. Well there is no love lost for Ashley Williams. She wouldn't put out for my female Shepard anyway.
  • bamb0o-stick - November 4, 2009 2:06 a.m.

    Max Payne: When Mona takes it to the head, and then another bullet in the sequel.
  • Smeggs - November 4, 2009 2:01 a.m.

    I let Ashley die, she's gotta be the biggest ass-hole you run into. at least the Reapers weren't picky when they wanted to wipe out all life. Anyone who hasn't seen it yet go look up Wrex's death scene on Youtube, she actually seems to enjoy splattering him on the sand.
  • kissmeimgreek - November 4, 2009 1:59 a.m.

    that conker section reminded me of something.... *ehm* "it sure would be great if now that okami finally got a sequel yall could focus on another game (since yall are obviously the reason why it got one) COUGH COUGH *conker 2* COUCH

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