Useless game heroes who couldn’t save the girl

And they lived happily ever aft… oh, she’s dead

Dominic Santiago (Gears of War 2)

Dom might be good at many things: cutting Locust in half with a rusty chainsaw, helping us unlock co-op achievements, growing a stylish wartime goatee. But he absolutely sucks when it comes to saving his volcanic-hot missus from a fatal, zombie-esque virus.

The girl he can’t save: Maria Santiago

Maria is possibly the only character in the Gears universe who isn’t a bit of a jock douchebag. And we genuinely almost showed a sliver of what you humans call emotion when the pair are reunited after her capture by the Locust.

How he lets her die

Too late to save her from the Locust, Maria is already fatally infected when Dom finds her. He then plants one of his own lead slugs right into her shrivelled up carcess, as Maria sports the malnourished undead look hard. So perhaps the subhead above should read ‘How he euthanizes her.’ And they say romance is dead.

Kratos (God of War 2)

Hero might be a bit of a stretch for a fellow who routinely decapitates, eviscerates and guts anything that crosses his uncaring, immortally miffed sights. Stick ‘anti’ in there, though, and he’s… well, still a colossus dick.

We say girl. We actually mean goddess. As a deity of peace and wisdom, she’s not exactly your typical damsel in distress. Throughout the first two God of War titles, she’s also pretty much the only god Kratos doesn’t want to skin like a sea bass.

How he lets her die

Or ‘How he accidentally skewers her to a painful, slow death’ while scrapping with Zeus. Blinded by murderous rage while fighting the corrupt king of gods, the former Spartan gets so caught up in bloodlust he mistakes the slinky, heavenly seductress for a dude who looks like a cross between Arnie and Wilford Brimley. After running her through in vicious fashion, he shows a rare moment of remorse and compassion as he cradles her in his meaty Greek guns.

Batman (Arkham Asylum)

The girl he can’t save: Doctor Young

Doctor Young cuts a fairly tragic figure in Arkham Asylum. She starts off corrupt, getting in bed with Joker (metaphorically, thank God) by helping him create a deadly Titan virus. She eventually sees the error of her ways and assists the Bat in stopping the Clown Prince of Crime.

How he lets her die

Bats foolishly lets Young open a safe containing a little present from the psychotic clown (namely a comic, fairly cute, yet decidedly deadly bomb). Said bomb makes her extremely dead and makes her look even worse than the mess of mascara she is in the image above. Ah well Brucie boy, you can’t save them all.

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