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Ultimate Movie Sword Sword Fight!


Today is St George’s day. For whatever reason the Irish lucked out and St Patrick became the patron saint of foam hats and schoolnight boozing.

But the English get valiant Georgie: tough on dragons, tough on the causes of dragons. This got us thinking – if George could have any sword, from any film ever, which one would he choose? We created the ultimate movie sword face-off to find out. Seconds out…

Round one

The Bride’s Hanzo Hattori vs Maximus’ gladius

The fight : Sleek, magisterially-crafted samurai steel versus short, thick Roman whacker. This one’s hardly a contest.

Winner! The Bride’s Hanzo Hattori

Anduril vs the sword of Perseus

The fight: The ancient sword Narsil, forged by master dwarf blacksmith Telchar of Nogrod in the First Age, reforged by the Elves at Rivendell and renamed Anduril by its master, Aragorn, up against whatever came to Aphrodite’s hand when Persues needed a chopper.

Winner! Anduril[page-break]


Luke’s lightsaber vs The Wallace claymore

The fight : Some last minute regulation-checking confirms lightsabers are eligible for the contest, at which point even the giant two-handed claymore knows its time is short. VOOM.

Winner! Luke’s lightsaber

Inigo Montoya’s rapier vs Connor MaCleod’s katana

The fight : The jewelled rapier made by Montoya’s father at the behest of the six-fingered man, in a close match against the Highlander’s ancient folded steel. In the end, the extra speed of the rapier counts.

Winner! Inigo Montoya’s rapier[page-break]


He-Man’s Sword of Power vs Darth Maul’s double-ended lightsaber

The fight : Looks like a horrible mismatch. He-Man’s power sword, which knocked out Lion-O’s Sword of Omens in the qualifiers, looks finished against the Sith’s snazzy two-hander. Which just goes to show, you should never discount the classics.

Winner! He-Man’s Sword of Power

Conan’s Atlantean sword vs Jack Sparrow’s cutlass

The fight : The barbarian’s whopper nicked from the throne of a long-dead king is way too strong for Jack’s probably stolen rum-stinking sticker.

Winner! Conan’s Atlantean sword[page-break]


Zorro’s cutlass vs Sting

The fight: Long odds on the folk hero’s famously swift and alphabetic sword versus Frodo’s orc-sensing magical blade, but Sting looks complacent in the warm-up and never finds his best form.

Winner! Zorro’s cutlass

Captain Blood’s rapier vs Excalibur

The fight : Stagey old pirate prop against the most powerful conventional blade that ever (probably never really) existed. Small crowd for this foregone conclusion.

Winner! Excalibur[page-break]

 

Round 2

The Bride’s Hanzo Hattori vs Anduril

The fight : Tense early exchanges give the impression we could be in for a long one, but the Hattori tires fast and Aragorn’s legendary weapon cracks it into teeny bits.

Winner! Anduril

Luke’s Lightsaber vs Inigo Montoya’s rapier

The fight : Montoya’s crowd favourite takes a hit early on and it looks like the game is up. But then it gets up and keeps on going – again and again until, finally, just when no-one was expecting it, it’s melted into a pool of iron and rubies. Come on , this is a lightsaber, people.

Winner! Luke’s Lightsaber [page-break]


He-Man’s Sword of Power vs Conan’s Atlantean sword

The fight: Eyeball to eyeball before the bell – He-Man was originally created as a spin-off toy for the Conan series before a licensing snafu, and the big Barbarian isn’t about to let him forget it. Incredibly, the unfancied cartoon underdog battles through regardless.

Winner! He-Man’s Sword of Power

Zorro’s cutlass vs Excalibur

The fight : Another easy round for the former sword in the stone, who showboats and waves to the crowd on the route to a simple victory.

Winner! Excalibur [page-break]

 

Semi-finals

Anduril vs Luke’s Lightsaber

The fight: Serious business now. Anduril has the early advantage – it actually looks like the lightsaber is getting smaller and smaller, but it turns out to be just a trick of the photography and in the end Luke’s electro-blade smashes Anduril into the shards from which it was made.

Winner! Luke’s lightsaber[page-break]


He-Man’s Sword of Power vs Excalibur

The fight: The permanent underdog Sword of Power gets the crowd going early doors, but through the hopeful cheering there is again a sense of inevitability to the match-up.

Winner! Excalibur[page-break]

 

The Final

Luke’s lightsaber vs Excalibur

The fight: The lightsaber keeps the crowd waiting in the dressing room – it just can’t decide whether to wear the blue or the green – and when it finally emerges the impatient Excalibur attacks furiously. All to no avail, though – as Obi Wan in the commentary box keeps reminding everyone, this is a deadly space sword from another galaxy.

Winner! Luke’s lightsaber.

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Total Film

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