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Ultimate Developer Battle

With no intention of adhering to the 'age before beauty' rule, the youthful Raymond strikes first by strategically placing a pair of panties in the path of Molyneux. As he approaches, the unsuspecting Molyneux is trampled into a twisted pulp by a stampede of Raymond's stalkers - who just happened to be lurking in the area - as they make a frantic dash for the discarded knickers.
WINNER: Jade Raymond


Before facing off against the mighty Newell, the gnome-faced Jaffe decides to hammer out a hung-over blog post apologising for spilling the contents of his guts over Shigeru Miyamoto. However, he unintentionally enrages fanboys by joking that Nintendo makes him puke. This sparks a particularly fierce flamewar and Jaffe subsequently perishes in the blaze. Newell performs a victory dance on the ashes.
WINNER: Gabe Newell


The final showdown. Raymond arrives on a tsunami of flower petals, riding side-saddle and all ladylike on the back of a unicorn that leaves a trail of sparkly fairy dust from its rainbow-coloured hooves. She is literally glowing with beauty. Newell pilots a 10ft mech that farts napalm. The Newell-mech thumps forward but is instantly repelled by Raymond's secret weapon - a lethal anti-nerd agent fired from a gun made entirely of sequins and pink clouds. Unable to keep control, Newell staggers backwards and falls down some stairs. Dies. Raymond wins. The end.
ULTIMATE DEVELOPER FIGHT CHAMPION: Jade Raymond

Aug 28, 2008


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59 comments

  • The4X - February 25, 2010 8:33 a.m.

    I knew she'd win from the very beginnign )
  • alecbeals - February 24, 2010 4:14 a.m.

    Pretty accurate, I think Chris Taylor might had made an appearance in a 400 foot tall robot that then broke down because he supposedly only works on a mid-range computer and subsequently cannot play his own game to the max settings. Then Richard Garriot deep strikes from space to land on Jade Raymond and continues to produce another sub-par game.
  • curly_jefferson - February 23, 2010 12:16 p.m.

    i forgot how funny this article is
  • NelosAngelos - September 1, 2008 11:11 p.m.

    ....k...not sure what to say here. Go Jade Raymond?
  • mr_brightside - August 31, 2008 9:48 p.m.

    you only picked Jade as the winner because she was the only girl. btw, love the new account and comment systems! keep up the good work!
  • Juriasu - August 31, 2008 11:14 a.m.

    PFFFT! Cliffy B (yes i still call him that) is bigger, better and more bad-ass than all other developers!
  • Nin10DOH - August 30, 2008 11:16 p.m.

    ha funny, i thought Shig would win...then again, Hulk won the character battle
  • caleb8 - August 30, 2008 10:11 p.m.

    I sorta feel like John Carmack looks like a bit like napolean dynomite. its probrobly just me.
  • lfcaron8 - August 30, 2008 12:43 p.m.

    noooo cliffy well what's next they've done character battles,developer battles so what's next? publisher battles? franchise battles? i just don't know :'(
  • georgeguy - August 29, 2008 10:20 p.m.

    very funny god fu wonder how much free time this people have
  • gaseoussnake - August 29, 2008 6:59 p.m.

    "reskinned in kevlar" haha this is good stuff
  • marcusfenix22 - August 29, 2008 4:30 p.m.

    Damn, Cliff lost!
  • Zeroeye - August 29, 2008 4:25 a.m.

    not great at all, and the developer of such a waste of a game to win a battle that we all knew in our hearts and mind that Miyamoto already won. The video game developers are already in a fight, using there skill as developers in the real world (not the mind of a story teller), to show the world there games and that they should get you money as prize. and now the only ones laughing is Nintendo
  • flare149 - August 29, 2008 3:01 a.m.

    Gosh darnit, now with this whole comments thing I don't know anyone anymore except for NintendoNerd, Z-Man, and Holy Diver Anyone I think a tag team of CLiffy B and Hideo Kojima would be sweet. Hideo could do lots of creative thinking and stuff like that, and Cliffy B could turn it all into some amazing weapon...that'd be cool
  • GamesRadarBrettElston - August 29, 2008 2:54 a.m.

    Miyamoto is a skrull. I'm sure of it.
  • Youreverydaygamer - August 29, 2008 1:28 a.m.

    I Was all for ol petey, but he lost to The creator Assassins creed, so i guess its ok.
  • ELpork - August 29, 2008 12:36 a.m.

    HAHA Yay, I wonder where she puts her hidden blade?
  • Everything3vil - August 29, 2008 12:24 a.m.

    yay the comments are up.
  • Snarf - August 28, 2008 11:07 p.m.

    Yay CommentS!!!!
  • hud4567 - August 28, 2008 10:42 p.m.

    ROFL!!!

Showing 1-20 of 59 comments

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