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Ultimate Developer Battle

Raymond's nuclear smile is rendered impotent by Itagaki's solar-repelling all-weather eye-defending sunshades. Sword in hand, the unemployed peddler of wobbly bikini fillings advances on Raymond, but becomes distracted by her lovely hair. Raymond knees Itagaki in the nuts. Itagaki doubles over, rips his leather pants right up the ass-seam, revealing his officially licensed King of Iron Fist undercrackers for all to see. Itagaki falls on his katana in shame.
WINNER: Jade Raymond

The repression of his geek-infested inner child, Cliffy B begins to drive Lord Bleszinski insane and he decides to retire his fighting slippers and check himself into the nearest mental facility capable of dealing with such severe schizophrenia. Meanwhile, Jaffe is catatonic backstage with a suspected case of blood alcohol poisoning. It's a breakdown-assisted victory for the comatose Jaffe.
WINNER: David Jaffe

Newell trips on one of Sakaguchi's many envelopes stuffed full of Microsoft dollars, lands on the fuzzy-lipped one-hit blunder movie maker and prolific turn-based RPG developer and instantly kills him dead. Japan holds a minutes silence in honour of one of its nation's most neatly maintained moustaches. Newell wins.
WINNER: Gabe Newell

Not fancying his chances against the ten-years younger and awesomely brained John 'Dr Doom' Carmack, the ever-so-eloquent-but-often-a-bit-pensive-looking Molyneux launches a pre-emptive hype offensive by spamming Carmack's inbox with the following faux press release:

Upon reading the email, Carmack does a lumpy ass quake in his pants and locks himself away under the pretence that he's working on the next big thing in binary space partitioning. Molyneux wins.
WINNER: Peter Molyneux

59 comments

  • The4X - February 25, 2010 8:33 a.m.

    I knew she'd win from the very beginnign )
  • alecbeals - February 24, 2010 4:14 a.m.

    Pretty accurate, I think Chris Taylor might had made an appearance in a 400 foot tall robot that then broke down because he supposedly only works on a mid-range computer and subsequently cannot play his own game to the max settings. Then Richard Garriot deep strikes from space to land on Jade Raymond and continues to produce another sub-par game.
  • curly_jefferson - February 23, 2010 12:16 p.m.

    i forgot how funny this article is
  • NelosAngelos - September 1, 2008 11:11 p.m.

    ....k...not sure what to say here. Go Jade Raymond?
  • mr_brightside - August 31, 2008 9:48 p.m.

    you only picked Jade as the winner because she was the only girl. btw, love the new account and comment systems! keep up the good work!
  • Juriasu - August 31, 2008 11:14 a.m.

    PFFFT! Cliffy B (yes i still call him that) is bigger, better and more bad-ass than all other developers!
  • Nin10DOH - August 30, 2008 11:16 p.m.

    ha funny, i thought Shig would win...then again, Hulk won the character battle
  • caleb8 - August 30, 2008 10:11 p.m.

    I sorta feel like John Carmack looks like a bit like napolean dynomite. its probrobly just me.
  • lfcaron8 - August 30, 2008 12:43 p.m.

    noooo cliffy well what's next they've done character battles,developer battles so what's next? publisher battles? franchise battles? i just don't know :'(
  • georgeguy - August 29, 2008 10:20 p.m.

    very funny god fu wonder how much free time this people have
  • gaseoussnake - August 29, 2008 6:59 p.m.

    "reskinned in kevlar" haha this is good stuff
  • marcusfenix22 - August 29, 2008 4:30 p.m.

    Damn, Cliff lost!
  • Zeroeye - August 29, 2008 4:25 a.m.

    not great at all, and the developer of such a waste of a game to win a battle that we all knew in our hearts and mind that Miyamoto already won. The video game developers are already in a fight, using there skill as developers in the real world (not the mind of a story teller), to show the world there games and that they should get you money as prize. and now the only ones laughing is Nintendo
  • flare149 - August 29, 2008 3:01 a.m.

    Gosh darnit, now with this whole comments thing I don't know anyone anymore except for NintendoNerd, Z-Man, and Holy Diver Anyone I think a tag team of CLiffy B and Hideo Kojima would be sweet. Hideo could do lots of creative thinking and stuff like that, and Cliffy B could turn it all into some amazing weapon...that'd be cool
  • GamesRadarBrettElston - August 29, 2008 2:54 a.m.

    Miyamoto is a skrull. I'm sure of it.
  • Youreverydaygamer - August 29, 2008 1:28 a.m.

    I Was all for ol petey, but he lost to The creator Assassins creed, so i guess its ok.
  • ELpork - August 29, 2008 12:36 a.m.

    HAHA Yay, I wonder where she puts her hidden blade?
  • Everything3vil - August 29, 2008 12:24 a.m.

    yay the comments are up.
  • Snarf - August 28, 2008 11:07 p.m.

    Yay CommentS!!!!
  • hud4567 - August 28, 2008 10:42 p.m.

    ROFL!!!

Showing 1-20 of 59 comments

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