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Ugly polygon "babes" of yesteryear

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Candy

As seen in: Fighters Megamix (Saturn, 1997)

How she’s remembered:

Believe it or not, Candy (aka Honey) was actually based on a rejected character from Sonic the Fighters. It’s true! 

How she actually looked:

While that vinyl “armor” does an excellent job of hiding Candy’s angular joints, there’s nothing they can do to cover up “her” lantern jaw, thick sideburns and faint hint of a five o’clock shadow.

BONUS PANTY SHOT!


Above: Badly meshing polygons conspiring to create cottage-cheese ass isn’t a pretty sight


Pai Chan

As seen in: Virtua Fighter (Saturn, 1995)

How she’s remembered:

Pai’s baby-faced current look is a far cry from what she looked like during her debut in ’95…

How she actually looked:

… Which, for the record, was a killer robot with a cylindrical head, spherical joints and scalene breasts.


Sarah Bryant

As seen in: Virtua Fighter (Saturn, 1995)

How she’s remembered:

Like Pai, Sarah’s current look only has traces of the ferocity that used to define her as she’d knee her brother Jacky out of ring after ring.

How she actually looked:

You want ferocity? The original Sarah is ready to give it to you, complete with a dead-eyed stare and no upper lip.

That expression only enhances her seductive pose and bizarre hips! She’s probably going to bite your face off.


Regina

As seen in: Dino Crisis (PSOne, 1999)

How she’s remembered:

Who needs to put dinosaurs on the cover when you’ve got Regina’s Asian features and fire-engine-red bob staring gamers in the face? Her distinctive look, coupled with her skintight-yet-utilitarian velociraptor-fighting outfit, helped make Dino Crisis an instant hit. It also didn’t hurt that gamers who were especially smitten with Regina could unlock alternate clothing for her, including a sexy cave-girl bikini.

How she actually looked:

Why on earth they’d want to see this thing in a bikini, meanwhile, is anyone’s guess.


Lisa Kusanami

As seen in: Last Bronx (Saturn, 1997)

How she’s remembered:

Her outfit’s standard cheerleader fare, but the giant forehead and droopy, sunken eyes are more than a little off-putting. Frankly, she’s not convincing us that she could kick anyone’s ass with those extending batons. Not even if they were standing between her and her next heroin fix.

How she actually looked:

Jesus Christ. While the illustrated Lisa was wispy and creepy, her in-game counterpart is a buxom meat-beast with torpedo breasts and skull-crushing thighs. We applaud the dramatic shift in body type, which we suspect is what’s behind that confused, mildly horrified expression she’s sporting.


Rinoa Heartilly

As seen in: Final Fantasy VIII (PSOne, 1999)

How she’s remembered:

In cutscenes, Rinoa was lovable and pretty, if completely unremarkable by the standards of Final Fantasy heroines. Why, that outfit almost looks like something you’d actually see someone wearing. Preposterous!

How she actually looked:

Sadly, the PSOne’s power just couldn’t keep up with Square’s ambitions, and so they retaliated by making the in-game Rinoa into a bubble-faced creature with stick arms, weird shoulders and a chin that disappears into her disproportionately fat neck.

Oh, and you should probably know that, in this shot, she’s celebrating.


Blair Dame

As seen in: Street Fighter EX (PSOne, 1996)

How she’s remembered:

Blair’s strikingly sexy, but she’s emblematic of the lazy, bland design that permeated the Street Fighter EX series. It’s like the designers just threw up their hands and said, “We need another character! Quick, let’s throw a blue-haired girl into a unitard and some thigh-high boots and call it a day.”

How she actually looked:

As lazy as her underlying design is, Blair’s in-game appearance makes it look like a brilliant flash of inspiration. See her puzzled expression? It’s because she’s staring at her hips and wondering why the rest of her body doesn’t fit into them right.


Pullum Purna

As seen in: Street Fighter EX (PSOne, 1996)

How she’s remembered:

 

Pullum looks deceptively simple, but what is she supposed to be, really? A harem girl? A dancer? A gypsy fortune teller? We can’t tell, we’re too busy staring at her low-slung pants.

How she actually looked:

Yeah, probably a gypsy.


Sophitia Alexandra

As seen in: Soul Blade (PSOne, 1997)

How she’s remembered:

A classical Greek warrior maiden and a triumph of late-‘90s rendering technology, Sophitia was nonetheless one of the least interesting female characters in Soul Edge/Soul Blade. Even though one of her signature moves was apologizing for kneeing other characters in the groin.

How she actually looked:

Her in-game appearance might have had something to do with that. Good lord, you could balance a cup of coffee on the folds of her skirt.


Jun Kazama

As seen in: Tekken 2 (PSOne, 1996)

How she’s remembered:

The mother of series hero Jin Kazama, Jun always projected a sort of soft, nurturing femininity that contrasted sharply with her chosen career of punching people in the teeth.

How she actually looked:

Look at this shot and try to think of any word other than “gorilla arms.” It can’t be done!


Nina Williams

As seen in: Tekken 2 (PSOne, 1996)

How she’s remembered:

While she’s since become one of Tekken’s most recognizable and iconic characters, the slinky cocktail dress and dinner-roll haircut she sported in Tekken 2 now look more like the product of clumsy rendering than deliberately sexy design.

How she actually looked:

You can’t fool us, Michael Jackson. Now take off that wig and stop being dead.


Red Shadow

As seen in: Bushido Blade (PSOne, 1997)

How she’s remembered:

 

The combination of creepy late-‘90s rendering technology with Red Shadow’s sour expression and elephantine thighs make this image wildly unappealing. This just might be another example of the in-game character looking better than the concept art.

How she actually looked:

No, we were wrong. At least the concept art had working shoulders.


Valkyrie

As seen in: Gauntlet Legends (PSOne, 2000)

How she’s remembered:

OK, so she looks a bit like a dead-eyed blow-up doll. With a giant sword. Still, she’s an acceptable update to the blonde Red Sonja knockoff that captured the imaginations of young boys in ‘80s arcades.

How she actually looked:

What the hell are these things? Are they even female? Probably they are, given that they’ve all got bare midriffs and long hair, but they look less like polygonal game characters and more like the sort of things we’d doodle in our notebooks during chemistry class.

And then there’s this one:


Above: “Green Valkyrie needs reconstructive surgery, badly!”

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90 comments

  • oldgrammastinkyfeet - July 9, 2009 7:56 p.m.

    Friendly Spanking...
  • FrozenImplosion - July 9, 2009 8:01 p.m.

    hahahahha I love how the URL for this page actually reads: "/f/ugly-polygon-babes-of-yesteryear/" Idk where the f comes from, but I thought it was pretty funny that it happened to be before the word ugly.
  • RageNEWLAND - July 9, 2009 8:06 p.m.

    Maan, I never realised how ugly these people aree :O :'(
  • GamesRadarMikelReparaz - July 9, 2009 8:19 p.m.

    The /f/ stands for "features."
  • Amnesiac - July 9, 2009 8:33 p.m.

    So much nostalgia...ruined...
  • KillDrone - July 9, 2009 8:38 p.m.

    Lol GamesRadar is only about boobs and ass! ;-P Great article Mikel
  • asspills - July 9, 2009 9:20 p.m.

    haha wow good article... you have now officially ruined my memories of Joanna Dark, Adon, Tifa, and Jill Valentine for me... my childhood self hates you.. Also, that Millenia one from that Kagero game or whatever has actually held up really well... Not saying she looks good... *shiver*... but all things considering she is totally passable as a humanoid illustration of a female.
  • Tasty_Pasta - July 9, 2009 9:32 p.m.

    Hahah, the GTA hookers have always been so bad.
  • Jacob816 - July 9, 2009 9:39 p.m.

    Haha, good article Mikel. I'd make a boner joke here, but honestly I'm drawing a blank.
  • civver - July 9, 2009 10:09 p.m.

    "John F. Kennedy’s redneck cousin" Hahaha.
  • nadrewod999 - July 9, 2009 10:32 p.m.

    Weird article. Never before seen so much bad 3D rez in one place. Nevertheless, still was a good article.
  • PCG_Evan - July 9, 2009 11:23 p.m.

    Yessss Rival Schools. So much innuendo and underage sexual taunts. Thank you for this moment.
  • Yeager1122 - July 10, 2009 12:41 a.m.

    MY EYES! MY EYES!
  • Ddz53 - July 10, 2009 12:48 a.m.

    I actually laughed at the Voldo description
  • Doomwaffle - July 10, 2009 12:59 a.m.

    Well, I'd tap that.
  • Weasel - July 10, 2009 1:06 a.m.

    Actually surprised Fear Effect didn't make this list, since that's another PS1 game that got most of it's publicity from it's 'sexy' female lead. And the implied lesbianism from the sequel.
  • Xeacons - July 10, 2009 1:31 a.m.

    OHGODOHGOD MY EYES!!! Tim Curry from Rock Horror! BAAAD Image!
  • WonsAuto - July 10, 2009 1:48 a.m.

    The four people above me somehow posted a year ago. o_O Also, this could've used some of the female wrestlers from the Smackdown! series.
  • WonsAuto - July 10, 2009 1:49 a.m.

    OK, never mind that thing I said about the people posting from the distant past.
  • solidsnake_5552000 - July 10, 2009 1:51 a.m.

    "You can’t fool us, Michael Jackson". That comment almost made me cr*p on my pants. It is very hilarious. But seriously Nina looks like him in that shot.

Showing 1-20 of 90 comments

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