True Bloods Freakiest Moments

Blood, sex, gore and weirdness – it has to be True Blood . Here we celebrate 12 of the show’s freakiest moments – but only from episodes braodcast so far in the UK, spoilerphobes take note NSFW

So, for your delight and detestation, here are 12 of the show’s most OMG moments from episodes shown in the UK so far (if you’re watching at Channel 4 speed, just skip the last page). This is just a taster of the Top 25 features that you can find in the latest SFX Vampire Special , that covers all three season. Get ready with the sick bag.

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1 Maudette’s sex video

(“Strange Love” 1.01)

This episode may seem mild now in respect to the excesses that the show has given us since, but this was early days and it was the show’s first indication of the direction it was heading. Maudette performs fellatio on Jason while he watches a video of her, chained by the hands to the ceiling, being taken up the back passage by a vampire. He leans back on the sofa and looks up. With uncomfortable realisation he sees the hook on the ceiling which Maudette is hanging from in the video. You think he may have gone a little flaccid at this point, though Maudette carries
on regardless.

2 Jason’s erection

(“Escape From Dragon House” 1.04)

Poor Jason. Overdosing on V he gets an erection from hell that won’t go down. He’s forced into such a constant bout of masturbation that he ends up with an almighty blister (on his hand at least; thankfully we’re not shown if there’s a similar festering lump on his privates). Later he’s found in the freezer room at Merlotte’s using a frozen ham on his todger. Let’s hope Terry didn’t use that one for pizza toppings. Eventually he’s forced to get it lanced by a doctor, an operation he graphically re-enacts in the next episode with the help of a sausage.

3Lafayette’s Escape

(“Keep This Party Going” 2.02)

With series two things start getting seriously yukky and bizarre in True Blood , as the writers have the audience reaction to season one to justify upping the ante. Lafayette, chained to a massive wheel in the cellars beneath Fangtasia, smashes his metal bonds using an artificial hip joint that he (very messily) extracts from the severed leg of one of Eric’s recent victims. MacGuyver would be proud, and maybe a little repulsed.

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4 Back problems

(“Scratches” 2.03)

Sookie has been attacked by some mysterious, mightily-clawed creature in the woods that has left deep, deep gashes, oozing puss and blood in her back. The wizened vampire surgeon Eric orders to heal Sookie seems to be a great believer in the ethic of “no pain, no gain”, as she pokes around inside the festering wounds without using a general anaesthetic. She doesn’t even look like the kind of woman who’d clean her fingernails.

5 Jessica learns glamouring

(“Shake And Fingerpop” 2.04)

Revelling in her newfound abilities to glamour, fledgling vampire Jessica uses a feckless, recently-captured heavy as a test subject. Much to Bill and Sookie’s embarrassment, she forces the guy to shout, “Becky Ubanks is a stuck-up whore who let Jace finger her in the church!” in the middle of a posh hotel foyer. We like this girl’s style.

6 Maryann’s recipe

(“Timebomb” 2.08)

Technically, this is actually three connected moments over the course of the episode, as Maryann cheerily cooks up a blood-red human heart soufflé (recipe not available online), then serves it to an unwitting Tara and Eggs. It has a weird effect on them. Instead of deserts, the second course is a fit of black-eyed sexually charged violence.

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7 Jason becomes a God

(“New World In My View” 2.10)

To save Sam from a possessed crowd baying for his blood, Jason does an impression of a horned god, which involves leaping on a car half-naked, wearing a gas mask, and with Andy Bellefleur holding some twigs behind his head to represent the horns (yes, we’re talking literal horns here, not the kind of horn Jason usually gets). He looks more like something out of a Depeche Mode video than a god, but luckily the possessed crowds seem to have some perception problems.

8 Eric in a frilly blouse

(“Frenzy” 2.11)

Lafayette seems more than a little freaked out when he hallucinates that Tara’s mum has transformed into Eric in front of his eyes, especially since Eric is still wearing the madwoman’s pretty floral blouse. But for certain sections of the audience it must have been like their dreams were coming true. Could it be that the writers are consciously feeding the slash fiction writers on the internet?

9 Sookie hugged by creepy coroner

(“Frenzy” 2.11)

In a scene straight from Eraserhead , Sookie is forced into a kitchen floor clinch with Mike the creepy coroner, while a naked, entrail-fondling man sits in the sink and a woman screams at the window. “Remember when your gran was lying here all bloody and dead?” adds Mike, touchingly. It’s made even more repulsive by two facts: a) Sookie mentions how rank Mike is smelling by this point, and b) the guy who plays Mike used to be Dr Phlox in Star Trek: Enterprise .

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10 Maryann gets the horn

(“Beyond Here Lies Nothin’” 2.12)

So, blushing bride Maryann’s groom appears and it’s fair to say he’s hung like an ox. ’Cept this bull isn’t what he seems. It’s shape-shifter Sam, who impales the meddling maenad on one of his horns, then rips her still-beating, grey-blooded heart out. Till death us do part, indeed.

11 Bill scares Sam shirtless

(“Bad Blood” 3.01)

Sam suffers some unexpected side effects from drinking Bill’s blood in the previous season’s finale – now he’s having kinky dreams about the southern vampire. “You can take the shirt off my back if you want it,” offers Sam. “I’ll take what I can get,” single entendres Bill. Apparently there’s more like this to come in season four!

12 Let’s Twist Again

(“It Hurts Me Too” 3.03)

Nobody would deny that True Blood is full of twists but few would have seen this one coming. Lorena and Bill (boo! Think of Sookie!) make mad, passionate, violent love, during which Bill grabs hold of Lorena’s head and twists it through 180 degrees. Death certainly becomes her.