On The Table
Across the last three nights, Fox TV in the US has run "narrative" TV spots for X-Men Origins: Wolverine. We thought we'd tackle 'em all in one monster feature. Be warned - the spots jump about in time quite a bit. Oh, and we do get a bit sarcastic. Sorry about that.
We start with Logan on the slab as he prepares to undergo the Adamantiam-isation process.
"When it starts, whatever the reason is you’re doing this, focus on that," warns the lady surgeon watching over him.
"Trust me, I’ve been though worse," replies our hero. Like X-Men: The Last Stand?
"No, you haven't," replies the lady. She probably hasn't seen it.
The procedure starts and we flash back to Logan's youth...
It's a long way back - pre the War of Independence, in fact. The man Logan - or as he was once apparently called, James Howlett - thinks is his father reacts to an intruder in the house.
We're not surprised a young version of Hugh Jackman thinks this chap's his pa, he's a dead-ringer for the Australia star.
Here's young Logan - sorry - James, looking worried. There's a commotion outside. Nice hair, kid.
His father - though he'll soon learn that's not quite true - has been shot by the man who barged into the house. Little Logan's not happy about it, for some reason. What a whinger.
Young Jimmy becomes gets a bit of baby berserker rage, grows his now-famous bone claws and attacks the intruder, who claims to be his real father. We're pretty sure we saw this plotline on Trisha a couple of years ago.
Brothers In Harm
As his mother sobs, "What are you?" Jimmy makes a run for it. He meets his half-brother, who tells him, "We’re brothers, Jimmy. We stick together no matter what. And take care of anyone who gets in our way." Could this be a young Sabretooth? Yes. Yes it could.
A howling Logan emerges in the film's present, looking like he's angry someone interrupted a nice bubble bath.
Never mess with a man's rubber duckie, especially when he's just been given knives for claws.
After a brief flashback to the first spot, we're into the second. "Keep on running, Jimmy's bro tells him... "And don't look back."
We flash to the brothers fighting in the US war of Independence and we start to be reminded of Family Guy's cutaways, and expect Peter Griffin to show up in period costume.
Storm The Beaches
Then it's World War Two. With a quick flash of them going all Tropic Thunder in Vietnam. Wolverine doesn't break character until he's done the DVD commentary.
But one of their missions ends with them facing a firing squad. They scream as bullets rip into them. They definitely die here. What a twist, a Wolverine movie without Wolverine. Edgy, Marvel, edgy.
..But Not Out
Oh, that's not the way they're going, after all. Stryker arrives to find the lads locked up. "You were sentenced to death by firing squad at 10:00 hours," he says. "How’d that go?"
"It tickled," snarks Logan.
"You’re not an animal, Logan." Silver Fox comforts our troubled hero.
We wish our girlfriends were this supportive after we killed people. But no, it's all 'do the washing up,' 'clean the bathroom,' and 'stop slaughtering people, I don't care what the voices in your head tell you' in our house.
Count Me Out
Logan announces he's finished with Stryker and co. "We can’t just let you walk away," snarls Sabretooth. "Jimmy!" he shouts as Logan stalks off.
Someone should probably tell him that's not his name.
"Hunt him down," Stryker orders Sabretooth to find Logan and his love. He gets to Silver Fox first - it doesn't end well for her.
Man, this film is suddenly getting pretty depressing. How about an X-Men film where everyone gets on, film folk? A nice gentle romantic comedy, you know? Boy meets girl, girl develops the abilty to fry people's eyeballs when they're still in their skulls, boy loses girl, boy loses eyeballs, boy gets girl. Nice.
Logan's not best pleased that his half-bro had a hand (claw?) in the fate of his lady. "I wanna know why," he growls, blades out.
"How else am I supposed to get your attention," snarls Sabretooth. "You’re gonna die for what you did to her," says Logan. There's a big ruck.
Stryker offers Logan a deal... "All the things in your life… You father… the wars… Knowing that the woman you loved was hunted down… I can make all this go away…" Don't trust him, Jimmy! We're into the third and final spot.
"I’m putting together a special team. With special powers. Join me and you’ll have your revenge," explains Stryker as the TV spots keep recycling footage from earlier trailers. We see Taylor Kitsch as Gambit. We're a bit disappointed he's not in his prepostorous outfit.
And here's Emma Frost (Tahnya Tozzi). She looks a lot like most of our ex-girlfriends. Blonde, covered in diamonds. Angry. The usual.
Black Eyed Pea Will.I.Am plays John Wraith, AKA Kestrel. He can teleport, you know. And drop some mean mainstream tunes.
It's the young Scott Summers (Tim Pocock). Not sure how they'll fit this into X-Men movie continuity... But, hey, this is the franchise that relegated Dark Phoenix to a supporting heavy. What do they care? Still, nice shades, man.
Team X does the hero pose on a mission. It was last seen in the GI Joe trailer. It will be seen again.
X Marks The Spot
Oooh... foreshadowing. Nice. And... weird.
Did Professor X see this claw mark, and decide to name his future gang of mutants after it? We wouldn't be surprised.
"Manicure?" quips Deadpool as he travels to a job with Sabretooth. Looks like he needs it... Ryan Reynolds, you are a wit.
Sabretooth hunts down Scott, causing the lad to doff his specs and unleash lightbeam hell.
Weird that neither of them recognised each other when they met in X-Men 1. Try not to think about that sort of thing when you watch Wolverine. It's probably not important.
The final, hero shot - Logan and Sabretooth square off. Logan gets the adamantium claws out. Sabretooth's response? "Shiny..."
Want to see all three moving for yourself? Don't live in the US? Check them out at Yahoo .