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Tournament of level one enemies

Why the green note should win: Being a plastic button is both the note's greatest weakness and its greatest strength. What plastic lacks in killer instinct, the green note makes up for with endurance. A plastic grocery bag has a typical lifespan of over 500 years and is designed to be used just one time. A green note is designed to stand up to heavy, repeated use and extreme rocking conditions, like this.

This evidence shows that a green note's lifespan is probably on the plus side of half a millennium. Rats, however, only live about two or three years before taking a permanent vacation to the big cheese wheel in the sky. The green note can simply wait to outlive the rat, but that's not the only advantage it has.

Rats only have something like three fingers (some might call them claws). Have you ever tried to hit the orange note and the green note at the same time with only three fingers? Take all the time you want, it's not going to happen.

Why the giant rat should win: Rats have a habit of gnawing anything softer than their teeth. They'll chew through papers, clothes, wood, water pipes, electric cables and plastic. Because our rat is a giant rat, it's only fair to assume that he can eat both regular and giant plastic. But the green note is only made of regular-sized plastic, so chomping it to bits should only take a few moments.

Our money would be on a giant rat being able to chew through a green note sometime before its modest two-year lifespan ends. Of course, this might happen:

Above: Star power!

Verdict: Green Note Wins!

Why Glass Joe should win: Technically this guy is trained to fight, or at any rate, someone thought he should have boxing gloves. Maybe he just found them - who knows?

We would say his main (and only) advantage comes from his frightened disposition. Joe, at least, seems to realize that he's in a fight. That's more than can be said for our happy-go-lucky Slime in the other corner of the ring. Sadly, Joe also seems to realize he's only 110 pounds and built like easy-spread butter fresh out of the microwave.

Why the Slime should win: For those of who are unfamiliar with the world of Dragon Quest, Slimes are a race of globular creatures appearing at all levels of the game. Late in the game they can be mildly challenging, but your run-of-the-mill level-one Slime has an attack skill of one and the agility of lumpy pudding. So why should the Slime win when it's so wimpy?

When you compare the Slime's statistics to Joe's, things start looking better. Joe doesn't even have an agility rating (maybe it's just because he isn't in an RPG). Also, Joe sucks at fighting. Sure, a Slime doesn't have arms, but RPGs prove that bouncing, hopping and squishing its soft, squishy body into opponents often statistically translates into the three or four points of damage, which are, no doubt, more than Joe can handle.   

Above: And there you have it

Verdict: Slime Wins!

60 comments

  • ObsessionWithEdgeworth - March 22, 2010 9:21 p.m.

    ... BIDOOF LOST! ... Serves it right. It isn't even that cute. Too bad this was level one enemies and not easily defeated/very weak enemies, if it was, you could probably have put magikarp, because atleast bidoof can attack (and damage you), which is better than magikarp. ...for non pokemon lovers, heres a demonstration: (magikarp = level 10, torterra = level 69) (im giving the magikarp a chance and letting it go first for a change) Magikarp used Splash! It had no effect. Torterra used Magical Leaf! It's very effective! Magikarp fainted! Torterra earned 1 Experience point! Torterra Wins! '¬'
  • xeropanzer - October 24, 2008 6:11 p.m.

    thats pretty funny although i think it should have been flood and slime in the last battle but then i guess there would need to be plasma burns from master chiefs gun instead of the item box.
  • RadarQJD - October 22, 2008 9:21 p.m.

    Goomba is victorious...Technically.......!!!
  • georgeg1994 - October 22, 2008 5:50 p.m.

    actually the green note is your greates enemy, ever tried the through the fire and flames intro?? takes aages to get right, also yes you can hit a g-o chord with 3 fingers, even 2, and alas the goomba totally should have won. GREAT ARTICLE
  • GamesRadarChrisAntista - October 22, 2008 4:18 p.m.

    Paul Ryan, you're my hero!
  • ELpork - October 22, 2008 4:29 a.m.

    Yea, the last page was... Umm, great.
  • Ravenbom - October 22, 2008 2:10 a.m.

    Well, my money was on the green button. That's the second time I've lost my yet to be conceived first born child! I think the green button took a dive, I mean really, it's the only one in the competition that is still a legitimate challenge in later levels. In fact, green button is the one button that makes orange button a challenge.
  • pinoklin - October 22, 2008 12:49 a.m.

    lol u missed the wookies of stwtfu
  • Ninja-KiLLR - October 22, 2008 12:09 a.m.

    im suprised there was no nazis. but yeah this was very funny
  • creamsoda139 - October 21, 2008 10:44 p.m.

    haha, this article is an epic win!
  • gamit12345 - October 21, 2008 10:34 p.m.

    GO SLIME XD
  • thereaper52 - October 21, 2008 10:19 p.m.

    poor slime i loved him like a brother
  • gorillazbmx6 - October 21, 2008 10:15 p.m.

    you should have had the kick pedal note. No one over the age of 20 can hit it, it is a mystical thing
  • Face0324 - October 21, 2008 10:13 p.m.

    I cant beleive I read this whole article what the hell happened
  • NelosAngelos - October 21, 2008 10:07 p.m.

    I didn't know you could hang a mushroom...
  • Amatarasu - October 21, 2008 10:02 p.m.

    hmmm *note to self* watch out for mushroom kingdom men
  • key0blade - October 21, 2008 9:52 p.m.

    Loved it.
  • KillDrone - October 21, 2008 9:11 p.m.

    Lol who did that last picture?! O.o Creepy...
  • cog114 - October 21, 2008 9:05 p.m.

    It seems there was a third unlikely character in the final round: MARIO!!!!
  • hun23 - October 21, 2008 7:49 p.m.

    another funny tournament

Showing 1-20 of 60 comments

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