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The Top 7… Games you don’t want for Christmas 2011

3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2

Following the events featured in the series' film finale, the Deathly Hallows game does a surprisingly good job of capturing the look of a Hogwart's under siege. In stills, the game looks like a detailed, dark, and loyal representation of the film's high points. But once you start playing it, you'll find that the magic is gone in this Gears of War-style take on Harry Potter.

The world of magic may be at war, but no matter how hard the game tries to sell you on its cover-and-shoot mechanic, it never feels right. Waves of Death Eaters raining spells on you might have hit the Gears-meets-Lord of the Rings vibe developer Bright Light seems to have been aiming for, but the repetitive action and bumbling AI saps all potential excitement from what might've been a decent follow-up to last year's release of Part 1.

Above: Take cover, Mrs. Weasley!

Instead of making you feel like saving the world, Part 2 will leave you feeling like you've learned how to best exploit the game's AI, taking down Death Eaters left and right as though Harry Potter was some sort of one man army.

That being said, Part 2 is a fair title in that it seems bent on disappointing fans of the Harry Potter books, films, and games equally. Fans of the books will dislike the watered-down narrative that's to be expected from a book to film to game translation. Fans of the film will find little more than the occasional moment of satisfaction when they see Daniel Radcliffe and company make their in-game appearances. But gamers will quickly tire of dealing with Death Eaters, and won't be satisfied by the occasional breaks offered by segments featuring Professor McGonagall, Neville Longbottom and Mrs. Weasley.

2. Blackwater

This shooter finds you playing as an employee of the US government's largest security contractor. Steering clear of any missions that might draw attention to the organization’s controversial role in the Iraq War, including the alleged Blackwater Baghdad shootings, the game takes place far from the Middle East in a fictional North African country beset by warlords.

This lets you push thoughts of the contractor's possible war crimes to the side, so you can focus on how much fun you're not having while playing. The game's laundry list of faults won't surprise you with its bland textures, inaccurate controls, and pro-Blackwater subtext. But even America's Army doesn't have the gall to charge you for trying its interactive propaganda. Erik Prince, founder and former CEO of Blackwater (now Xe Services) wants you to pay full price for the privilege of experiencing this game of mass destruction. Do yourself a favor by passing on this opportunity.

Above: Someone forgot to tighten up the graphics in level three (and every other level)

1. Anything from the Ubisoft Imagine line

Head to your local GameStop, and you'll be likely to find a row of titles from Ubisoft's Imagine series neatly arranged in the used DS games section. They're the perfect gift for human parents that want to impress upon their little daughter the notion that she can be anything she wants to be, as long as she knows her place.

Blissfully ignorant of the glass ceiling and the impoverishment of women in this man-made patriarchy, the Imagine series prepares human female foals for future careers focused on the so-called softer sex's superior skills at nurturing and being creative. Whether it's designing clothes, fixing hair or planning parties, the Imagine series never ceases to surprise me, revealing just how backwards you non-horses are when it comes to your cookie-cutter gender roles. But that's not to say that little girls can't also grow up to be serious business owners within the limited confines of the Imagine series' worldview. For these extraordinary young girls, there are always games like Imagine: Resort Owner.

Above: A bachelor's degree in gender studies may be required to undo the effects of playing too much Imagine during the pre-teen years

The Top 7... Worst games of 2011 (so far)
Early contenders for early bargain-bin retirement





The Top 7… Games you don’t want for Christmas 2010
They're not all bad, but they aren't Saint Nick's best choices





The worst box art of 2010
40 of the year's ugliest attempts at game packaging

Topics

Top 7

51 comments

  • LordZarlon - December 5, 2011 3:04 p.m.

    These are kind of a no brainer.
  • Pytor - December 5, 2011 3:09 p.m.

    LOL! Buttercup, you nailed it yet again! Why you are still freelance and not on GR's payroll blows my mind. Giddy-up!
  • Grif - December 5, 2011 3:32 p.m.

    Buttercup is the Senior Wildlife Editor. Pretty sure that's not a freelance position
  • FemJesse - December 6, 2011 12:54 a.m.

    Buttercup can't sign W-2s with hooves..
  • Ridgley - December 5, 2011 3:18 p.m.

    That I love horses cover has a penis on it. You edited it out but I know it's there.
  • FemJesse - December 6, 2011 12:52 a.m.

    Buttercup can't sign W-2s with hooves...
  • Daruniah - December 5, 2011 3:19 p.m.

    Nagata's at it again!
  • andrew2696 - December 5, 2011 3:20 p.m.

    I like your taste in film Buttercup. You should branch out. How about "Horse Whisper Touching Tale of Horses or Exploitation Film?"
  • Travia220 - December 5, 2011 3:20 p.m.

    So you slam a Train Simulator for doing what it does? Not sure if serious? I know this is a light hearted article but really, lets put some effort into why people shouldn't buy a train simulator instead "Herp derp it haz trains we don't recommend."
  • Manguy17 - December 6, 2011 3:46 a.m.

    to be honest i thought buttercup gave a pretty good description of the game
  • needles - December 5, 2011 3:34 p.m.

    You forgot Skyrim.
  • EwoksTasteLikeChicken - December 5, 2011 5:30 p.m.

    You are the biggest troll on this site.
  • porjos - December 6, 2011 6:11 a.m.

    Most of the trolls I have met on this site are at least a little clever...sadly you fall below the category of dumbass.
  • needles - December 6, 2011 10:06 a.m.

    It was a joke. I thought a rocket scientist like you would get it.
  • Person5 - December 6, 2011 4:02 p.m.

    the only reason he's the biggest troll is because most move on to a new persona after a while so people stay off their trail, not this guy though
  • Austin_SJ - December 5, 2011 3:55 p.m.

    My mum actually purchased an imagine game for my sister, despite me telling her that it was awful. She insisted "it's on her Christmas list" Why will some people never listen?
  • obviouslyadouche - December 5, 2011 4:03 p.m.

    One of the funniest top 7 in a long time, great job buttercup, somebody deserves a carrot
  • ThatFanInThePeacoat - December 5, 2011 4:34 p.m.

    Buttercup, will you be in protest of The Last Guardian? I mean, why use a giant bird-dog when you can just use a horse, right?
  • birdro - December 5, 2011 4:46 p.m.

    Nice reference on the Blackwater screenshot, almost forgot about that article for top seven worst game design ads. So depressing, yet so amusing all at once :P
  • EwoksTasteLikeChicken - December 5, 2011 5:29 p.m.

    My sister has at least half of those imagine games

Showing 1-20 of 51 comments

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