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6. Thor: God of Thunder
In answer to the overwhelmingly average response from film critics, I give Kenneth Branagh's Thor two unwavering hooves-up. Chris Hemsworth's golden locks and rippling pectorals delivered a stunning performance in the fish-out-of-water tale of a fallen god. Unfortunately, the same can't be said of the Sega published Thor: God of Thunder game.
Although Hemsworth reprises his role as the God of Thunder in the game, his wax figure likeness lacks the lordly charm and respect that his chiseled figure demands on the big screen. Instead of hammering you hard with the mighty Thor's Mjolnir, the third-person action title whiffs softly, forcing you to button mash your way through an utterly forgettable adventure full of limp and weightless combo attacks.
Above: This is acting. Just look at how Hemsworth emotes with his "Oh hi! I didn't see you there!" six-pack
Above: This is "Thor" in Thor: God of Thunder. It's just not as enjoyable
This one's about trains. Trust me. You don't want it.
Above: Train Simulator 2012 may be the prettiest game of trains we've seen since the release of Train Simulator 2011. The problem is that it's about trains
This is a game about Transformers where the Transformers don't transform – and I can't think of a bigger insult to fans of things that look like other things. Don't get me wrong: you'll see the Transformers shed their vehicular disguises during cutscenes. But once the robots have finished explaining why you'll be driving around (and not Transforming) in the next playable portion of the game, you're back behind the wheel of one of the most disappointing titles released this year.
The whole non-Transforming Transformers angle may not have been so insulting if the controls weren't so frustrating. You use the analog stick to steer, and accelerate, AND reverse. Who designed this thing, Grimlock? It's a control scheme that ensures your time with these non-Transforming Transformers will not be enjoyable, as you stutter about the game's bland environments like a teenager learning how to drive.
Adding insult to injury, this poor man's Twisted Metal offers you half of the Transformers experience with one hand while demanding full retail price with the other. It's just the kind of scheme that would please the mighty Megatron.
Above: Transformers that don't transform. What's next? Street Fighters that don't fight?