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The Top 7… Games you don’t want for Christmas 2011

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6. Thor: God of Thunder

In answer to the overwhelmingly average response from film critics, I give Kenneth Branagh's Thor two unwavering hooves-up. Chris Hemsworth's golden locks and rippling pectorals delivered a stunning performance in the fish-out-of-water tale of a fallen god. Unfortunately, the same can't be said of the Sega published Thor: God of Thunder game.

Although Hemsworth reprises his role as the God of Thunder in the game, his wax figure likeness lacks the lordly charm and respect that his chiseled figure demands on the big screen. Instead of hammering you hard with the mighty Thor's Mjolnir, the third-person action title whiffs softly, forcing you to button mash your way through an utterly forgettable adventure full of limp and weightless combo attacks.

Above: This is acting. Just look at how Hemsworth emotes with his "Oh hi! I didn't see you there!" six-pack

Above: This is "Thor" in Thor: God of Thunder. It's just not as enjoyable

5. Railworks 3: Train Simulator 2012

This one's about trains. Trust me. You don't want it.

Above: Train Simulator 2012 may be the prettiest game of trains we've seen since the release of Train Simulator 2011. The problem is that it's about trains

4. Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Stealth Force Edition (Wii)

This is a game about Transformers where the Transformers don't transform and I can't think of a bigger insult to fans of things that look like other things. Don't get me wrong: you'll see the Transformers shed their vehicular disguises during cutscenes. But once the robots have finished explaining why you'll be driving around (and not Transforming) in the next playable portion of the game, you're back behind the wheel of one of the most disappointing titles released this year.

The whole non-Transforming Transformers angle may not have been so insulting if the controls weren't so frustrating. You use the analog stick to steer, and accelerate, AND reverse. Who designed this thing, Grimlock? It's a control scheme that ensures your time with these non-Transforming Transformers will not be enjoyable, as you stutter about the game's bland environments like a teenager learning how to drive.

Adding insult to injury, this poor man's Twisted Metal offers you half of the Transformers experience with one hand while demanding full retail price with the other. It's just the kind of scheme that would please the mighty Megatron.

Above: Transformers that don't transform. What's next? Street Fighters that don't fight?

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51 comments

  • LordZarlon - December 5, 2011 3:04 p.m.

    These are kind of a no brainer.
  • Pytor - December 5, 2011 3:09 p.m.

    LOL! Buttercup, you nailed it yet again! Why you are still freelance and not on GR's payroll blows my mind. Giddy-up!
  • Grif - December 5, 2011 3:32 p.m.

    Buttercup is the Senior Wildlife Editor. Pretty sure that's not a freelance position
  • FemJesse - December 6, 2011 12:54 a.m.

    Buttercup can't sign W-2s with hooves..
  • Ridgley - December 5, 2011 3:18 p.m.

    That I love horses cover has a penis on it. You edited it out but I know it's there.
  • FemJesse - December 6, 2011 12:52 a.m.

    Buttercup can't sign W-2s with hooves...
  • Daruniah - December 5, 2011 3:19 p.m.

    Nagata's at it again!
  • andrew2696 - December 5, 2011 3:20 p.m.

    I like your taste in film Buttercup. You should branch out. How about "Horse Whisper Touching Tale of Horses or Exploitation Film?"
  • Travia220 - December 5, 2011 3:20 p.m.

    So you slam a Train Simulator for doing what it does? Not sure if serious? I know this is a light hearted article but really, lets put some effort into why people shouldn't buy a train simulator instead "Herp derp it haz trains we don't recommend."
  • Manguy17 - December 6, 2011 3:46 a.m.

    to be honest i thought buttercup gave a pretty good description of the game
  • needles - December 5, 2011 3:34 p.m.

    You forgot Skyrim.
  • EwoksTasteLikeChicken - December 5, 2011 5:30 p.m.

    You are the biggest troll on this site.
  • porjos - December 6, 2011 6:11 a.m.

    Most of the trolls I have met on this site are at least a little clever...sadly you fall below the category of dumbass.
  • needles - December 6, 2011 10:06 a.m.

    It was a joke. I thought a rocket scientist like you would get it.
  • Person5 - December 6, 2011 4:02 p.m.

    the only reason he's the biggest troll is because most move on to a new persona after a while so people stay off their trail, not this guy though
  • Austin_SJ - December 5, 2011 3:55 p.m.

    My mum actually purchased an imagine game for my sister, despite me telling her that it was awful. She insisted "it's on her Christmas list" Why will some people never listen?
  • obviouslyadouche - December 5, 2011 4:03 p.m.

    One of the funniest top 7 in a long time, great job buttercup, somebody deserves a carrot
  • ThatFanInThePeacoat - December 5, 2011 4:34 p.m.

    Buttercup, will you be in protest of The Last Guardian? I mean, why use a giant bird-dog when you can just use a horse, right?
  • birdro - December 5, 2011 4:46 p.m.

    Nice reference on the Blackwater screenshot, almost forgot about that article for top seven worst game design ads. So depressing, yet so amusing all at once :P
  • EwoksTasteLikeChicken - December 5, 2011 5:29 p.m.

    My sister has at least half of those imagine games

Showing 1-20 of 51 comments

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