The Top 7... enemies that scuttle and jump at your face

You hear that scuttling sound? There... what the... OH MY GOD IT'S ON MY FACE!!!!

2. Flood (Infection Form) | Halo

There are two reasons to absolutely love the infection form of the Flood. 1) When they scuttle in and make their appearance in the first Halo it's a proper shit-the-bed moment of what-the-shit-is-going-on-here-I-don't-know-what-but-I-like-it and 2) they are equipped with 'motile enhanchers/invasion facilitators' and that is bad ass. Look it says so in this picture:

Above: We found this picture on the internet. We don't know if it's official canon, but motile enhancers are cool so we're going to hope that it is

In case you couldn't guess, motile enhancers are what make you move good if you're a simple multicellular organism. We're not biologists or anything, but we guess our equivalent would be human legs. Although we can't use our legs as invasion facilitators (i.e. we do not use human legs to burrow into a victim's spine and attack the central nervous system). So looking at it that way, scientifically, humans are actually weaker than the Flood in their infection form. That makes us feel stupid and a bit jealous.

Above: All the cool kids want motile enhancers

We're being facetious, of course. There are lots of reasons why humans are better than the Flood in its scuttling jumping infection form. For starters, when humans go to a dinner party they don't end up mutating the host. Admittedly that's just one reason but we're sure there are loads more. Although, the more we think about it, the more we are forming the opinion that possessing motile enhancers that double as invasion facilitators would be both advantageous and cool.

1. Poison and Black Headcrabs | Half-Life 2

Someone I used to know once told me a story about the worst start to a day he ever had. He woke up in the morning, walked blearily into the bathroom, and only upon looking into the mirror and taking that first tricky step towards focusing both vision and brain into some semblance of synchronicity, did he realise that he had a heaving great spider sitting on his face.

Naturally his reaction was to squeal like some unholy splicing of excited teenage girl and a terrified piglet, while frantically beating at his own head in order to remove and destroy the beast. A self-destructive solution, perhaps, but one that is entirely understandable and justified. And nothing compared to what would happen if the same event occurred with one of Half-Life 2’s Poison or Black Headcrabs. Because in the eventuality of such a wretched, base horror befalling your person, you'd just kill yourself. You wouldn’t even bother attacking the crab. It would be a worthless act. Even if you slew the dread beast, you'd never get over it. Your life would be ruined. You'd just kill yourself. And you’d be right to.

Such is the horrific power of the Poison or Black Headcrab. Taking on the same proportions of concentrated vileness preferred by all of the most monstrous spider-type creatures (that’s a lumpy central body and disproportionately long, spindly legs, as any aficionado of arachnophobia will tell you), the noises they make are even worse. If you could turn the experience of being thrashed in the face by an angry bunch of wire coathangers in to a series of sounds, it would be these sounds:

That death-rattle growl at the end is the worst one. It sounds like a zombie trying to inhale exhaust fumes through a stabbed-up windpipe. And did I mention that these things can spit toxic venom, reduce the health of even the mighty Gordon Freeman (bless his name) to 1 with a single hit, and turn ordinarily normal, noble, dignified human beings into wretched, pitiful, zombie-like abominations, by taking over the very brains of the living? Oh, and unlike standard Headcrabs, these things are intelligent and will actively hunt you down. While hiding.

Above: So horrific, even Cthulhu knows they need to be stopped

They are not animals. They are not even monsters. They’re the cold, black, pure elemental evil that collects in the shadows in the cracks between worlds, moulded into tangible shape and let loose in the daylight. Kill them. Kill them hard, kill them fast, walk away, and never, ever look back at them.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.
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