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5. Lottie, Viva Pinata / Xbox 360 & PC - (AKA “Costolot,” “Seed Seller,” or “That Bitch”)
Any merchant in any game is bound to piss you off, but Lottie pushes the boundary of shit we’re willing to put up with from people who sell stuff we want. It’s not just her fugly sense of fashion (and where the hell are her legs?!), it’s her snotty tone of voice and blatant sexual harassment. “So THAT'S your kind of thing, is it?" "Can I sell you something seedy?" How can we be expected to buy seeds and stimulate the pinata economy when we have to put up with that?
Viva Pinata is one of the cutest games out there (albeit, a bit weird with the art style) - and Lottie trashes it in every way imaginable. In real life, we’d sue her for the offense (and the lewd comments), but since we can’t do that, we can just fantasize about what we’d like to do to her beyond the realm of legal action.
How we’d do it:
Gouge out her eyes - it’s not like she’s using them to color coordinate anyway. Then, soak that awful faux turban in pesticide and set fire to her non-existent ankles. And while she’s smoldering, laugh manically.
Above: Kids might be reading this, so we left her eyes in... but you can imagine it, oh yes you can
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