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Top 7... Cutesy Characters We Want to Beat the Crap Out of

6. Professor Kawashima, Brain Age / DS - (AKA, “Dr. Kawashima,” “Brain Age Dude,” and “Bespectacled Man Who Laughs At You”)

Why:
For a game that gruelingly tests our patience and our IQ, we need something cute and endearing to keep our spirits up and salve our wounded egos when we score about 12 years below where our brain actually is. What we get instead is a patronizing, passive-aggressive twat that not only makes us feel bad about ourselves for being dumb--er, not “smart,” but he also makes us feel bad for resenting him because he’s based on the real life Professor Ryuta Kawashima, who’s really an okay guy. Why can’t his avatar live up to the image?

One of our interns said it best: “So you want to play Sudoku?  Okay.  Hey, first why not draw a fire hydrant?  Just do it. How's that look compared to this example? Not so good huh? Oh well. I'll save it anyway. Want to go to Sudoku now? Did I mention you haven't visited in awhile? I did? It’s pretty early today, thus making my glasses foggy so I might have missed that. Hmm? Oh right Sudoku. Okay. Hey, do you want to know when you choose the wrong number? Well, alright. Anyway, see ya soon, have fun with Sudoku!”

How we’d do it:
Take his glasses and break them. Pick his nose with a pickaxe. And then give him a trashy Britney Spears makeover complete with shaven head. Who looks stupid now? Jackass.

Topics

Top 7

25 comments

  • Link5794 - December 28, 2008 5:30 p.m.

    What about Omochao from Sonic Heroes? In the tutorial, or the first level of Team Rose that I'm pretty sure people only play bcause they either aren't competent enough to do the higher difficulties or want to get to the final battle and unlock Team Metal Sonic, Omochao stops you so you have to listen to his shit. You could press A, but you stand still after he finishes. Omochao's dealy annoyingness is also demonstrated in the preloader for a Newgrounds anmation. ("Press the A Button to jump!" "Press the Power button to start!" "Use both of your legs to walk!" "Did you know that if you didn't press any buttons you wouldn't move?") Or that dog from Duck Hunt. He laughs at you and you can't shoot him.
  • Bri77777 - January 1, 2009 6:58 a.m.

    Damn you!. Show the eye gouging!
  • NullG7 - March 31, 2009 8:31 p.m.

    Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Just a little taste from anyone who hasent played Ocarina of time, Oh wait there is more!!!
  • Mr.Epic64 - July 20, 2009 6:07 a.m.

    Zelda, you save her in almost every game, but has Link got layed yet? NO.
  • Pantosniper - July 28, 2009 5:56 a.m.

    I'd love to beat Tails with a rusty pipe wrench then shove him into a wood chipper then shove what's left of him up a monkey's butt then set the monkey on fire, then throw the ashes off a cliff.
  • pjbuhl - February 7, 2009 10:35 p.m.

    what about the begger lady from assasin's creed she always messes up my missions =/
  • UsernameAlreadyInUse - April 3, 2009 12:45 a.m.

    HEY!!!! oh wait you already knew what i was going to say because ive said it 100,000,000,000,000,000,000... times? Oh ill stop....HEY!!! Oh ya...HEYEHEYEHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEY......BOOM HEADSHOT!! What i have always thot the WHOLE TIME
  • Bov11 - April 5, 2009 1:05 a.m.

    whatserface from King Kong.
  • melloe - April 28, 2009 8:30 a.m.

    HAHA I love Pikachu's cheap-ass lightning attacks in Super Smash Bros
  • MoonPig - September 8, 2009 6:37 p.m.

    first, id remove Butz's toinails 1 by 1 with a pair of pliers, then id stick needles in the soft flesh underneath, then id hook them up to a car battery and light his eyelashes on fire and THEN id get NASTY! also, make Navi die please
  • MassEffectfan - September 8, 2009 10:48 p.m.

    all i have to say is damn
  • evileasterbunny666 - September 9, 2009 12:51 a.m.

    yes yes...... eat that navi REAL good. Look! That frog's tounge getting closer!!!
  • Coolbeans69 - August 31, 2008 8:08 p.m.

    lol! Funniest feature yet!
  • cricket0 - September 22, 2008 2:46 a.m.

    Those characters are kinda nessecary, but as the article says, extremly annoying!
  • Cwf2008 - December 8, 2008 1:06 a.m.

    Hmm well i guess the Tinkerbell comparison keeps gamesradar from going too ballistic on Navi, but what i'd do is stick a grenade in wherever Navi talks from, tie it to a missle, set it on fire, and then fire it off a cliif.
  • Super_gamer73 - November 13, 2008 3:54 a.m.

    Navi is the most annoying. I like the suggestion for Navi removal.
  • ryno - November 22, 2008 3:18 a.m.

    i want Navi's blood. er i mean ectoplasm or whatever shes got.
  • ryno - November 22, 2008 3:27 a.m.

    your forgeting Issun from Okami. id feed him to my lizards or stick him in a microwave and turn it on
  • rangermaster240 - November 9, 2009 4:09 a.m.

    Why is it that i have ALWAYS wanted to just make a zelda game with microphone ability and just yell at navi, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! I KNOW THAT THE CLOUD OVER DEATH MOUNTAIN IS WEIRD!!!! JUST DIE!!!!"
  • FanofSaiyan - December 5, 2009 2:07 a.m.

    The ultimate culmination of eye-poppingly cute and sadistic mayhem you'll ever find in this website.

Showing 1-20 of 25 comments

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