The Top 7... Cheerleaders

2. Charlie Macdonald's cheerleaders | No More Heroes 2

In complete contrast to the noble sentiments expressed at the end of the previous entry, we are now going to artistically appreciate some boobs and midriff. The inspiration for this Top 7 was Lollipop Chainsaw. If you don't know - and you really should - the heroine of that game is one Juliet Starling. She's a professional killer of zombies. Not only that, she carries around the disembodied head of her boyfriend and wields a hulking great chainsaw with which to do her cadaver culling. Oh, and - nearly forgot - she's a cheerleader. But seeing as though we haven't even played Lollipop Chainsaw yet because it's still being made, we thought it would be unfair to include her. Even though she already looks like she's going to be the best cheerleader EFFVUR! Here's a picture of her anyway:

Above: We think we're going to like Juliet Starling

Luckily we didn't have to look too far for more amaze-o cheerleaders. In fact, we only looked as far as No More Heroes 2. Which, like Lollipop Chainsaw, is made by one of the most exciting men making games right now, Goichi 'Suda 51' Suda. But surely the cheerleaders in NMH2, no matter how amazing, can't really compare to short-skirted slayer of the undead Juliet Starling? You better believe they can. For starters, there's lots of them. 24 to be precise. All identical. All on roller skates. All shamelessly sexualised. And you just know these aren't your normal cheerleaders when the cheer of "Yaaaaaaaay violence!" goes up in unison. Then this happens...

If you can't believe what your eyes just witnessed, let us recap what happened there. The cheerleaders flew into outer space and summoned a mega-ultimate fighting robot called Santa Death Parade. That's right. A cheerleader squad with a giant laser-firing mechabeast at their disposal. It doesn't get much more badass than that. Shame they all had to explode somewhere high in the Earth's atmosphere. Altogether now "2-4-6-8! Who can we decapitate!?"

1. Elite Beat Agents | Elite Beat Agents

The Elite Beat Agents are the ultimate cheerleaders, without question. Synchronised in a way that only computer-generated people can be, they never miss a beat… unless you do, which (let's be honest) isn't their fault. A stickler could argue that these are five cheerleaders in a list of Top 7 cheerleaders, in which case, we'll pick… er… the middle one. Yup.

Above: Male cheerleaders are so hot right now

But don't feel short-changed that our number one spot goes to a group of male cheerleaders – firstly, we didn't specify sex, but secondly, there's a bonus mode! There is a secret 'diva' cheerleader mode – hidden away on the highest difficulty. It's not a mere reskin, though – they're fully voiced and the cut-scenes have been redrawn. So kick back and watch the sensational Jumpin' Jack Flash finale as you've (probably) never seen it before. We love EBA and this section still gives us chills… ROCK AND ROLL!

With the divas in and Commander Khan telling them what to do, it's all gone a bit Charlie's Angels. But even without the girls, this still would have been our number one. The Elite Beat Agents, whether in skirts or shirts, are the ultimate cheerleaders. Gimme an E! Gimme a B! Gimma an A!


  • Primed - February 7, 2012 5 p.m.

    Hence proving mena are better than women.
  • ChaseByKO - February 7, 2012 12:31 a.m.

    Missing from this list: Reggie Fils-Aime.
  • marioman50 - February 7, 2012 12:27 a.m.

    Elite Beat Divas, YESSSSS! God that game is good, where the hell is my sequel?!
  • MrSuitMan - February 6, 2012 6:45 p.m.

    I'm not one to normally go "OMFG that chick is so fucking hot!!!!" But goddamn is Juliet a ridiculously sexy character. Even Bayonetta didn't make me tingle this much.
  • oneshotfinch - February 6, 2012 4:28 p.m.

    Nice choice for number one. Jumpin' Jack Flash on that difficulty was so freaking hard, any cheerleaders that can pull it off deserve the number 1 spot. I also quite liked the joke entry.
  • josh-horvath - February 6, 2012 2:56 p.m.

    was anybody else hearing centerfold in their head as they read this?
  • D0CCON - February 6, 2012 1:48 p.m.

    Got to agree with EBA. I am happy with myself for unlocking the divas and making it to the final song with them, but I never managed to actually beat said song.
  • Sinosaur - February 6, 2012 12:45 p.m.

    Jesus crap, I'm having flash backs to repeatedly failing Jumping Jack Flash on second hardest difficulty. I've still never managed to unlock the Divas. I loved the hell out of that game, though.
  • sugardingles - February 6, 2012 9:50 a.m.

    What about Double Dribble?
  • Unoriginal - February 6, 2012 9:47 a.m.

    I seriously can't wait to hear Talkradar try and discuss this. Good read
  • GameManiac - February 6, 2012 9:47 a.m.

    Did not expect Elite Beat Agents as #1.
  • BladedFalcon - February 6, 2012 11:25 a.m.

    Hah, didn't occur to me of the EBA as cheerleaders, but it totally fits and makes sense XD Furthermore, they completely deserve top spot. After all, what other cheerleaders can claim that they've defeated a global alien invasion trough the sheer power of their dancing moves? :P
  • 510BrotherPanda - February 6, 2012 9:10 a.m.

    Man, Osu Tatakae Ouendan was the ACTUAL cheerleader game EBA spawned from...and in the sequel, there's even a rival male cheer squad in blue-and-white to contrast with the protagonists' red-and-black! Sure, both Ouendan games might not have been played by as many people as EBA (since it's in Japanese), but... WHY WERE THEY NOT EVEN MENTIONED?
  • BladedFalcon - February 6, 2012 11:13 a.m.

    Because the game hasn't come out in neither Europe or America? And this site covers games for people of such regions. I'm guessing that's likely why. Furthermore, I don't think the core gameplay nor the concept of OTO is that significantly different either. So it's probably not as unfair to to use one as an equal to the other.
  • Ultimadrago - February 6, 2012 7:24 a.m.

    Great list, Cundy. I laughed my BUTT off at the serial killer scheme comment. Are you Smarter Than a Cheerleader looks so...creepy. *shivers*
  • shawksta - February 6, 2012 5:57 a.m.

    Awesome list Cundy, glad to see the Twins from psychonauts. And EPIC WIN for #1, the Elite Beat agents are DEFINITLY the best Cheerleaders XD
  • Sjoeki - February 6, 2012 4:57 a.m.

    Though I know she's not technicaly a cheerleader I thought Harley might have made an entry in this list, she's backflipping and cheering all over the place in Arkham Asylum and City.
  • Redeater - February 6, 2012 4:44 a.m.

    I was hoping NMH would be on here. Glad to see it was. Was that still frame from page two taken from DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball? If it was I really should get out more. I seem to recognize the weird boob physics.
  • GR_DavidHoughton - February 6, 2012 6:25 a.m.

    Yes it is. And yes you should. But er, well done.
  • Redeater - February 6, 2012 1:24 p.m.

    What can I say? Once you see those horrid FMV boob physics you can't unsee them. Seriously.....I don't know how anyone thought that was sexy. It was like they were two alien beings moving independently of each other.

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