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The Top 7… Biggest bulges

5. StarCraft II – Tauren Marine

In World of Warcraft, you can spot a Tauren from a mile away. Known for their horny heads and cloven hoofs, the anthropomorphized bovines are hard to miss and have battled with being the butt of too many cow-related jokes over the years. But in a most rare occurrence of franchise-crossover silliness, the Tauren made a brief appearance in StarCraft II Terran armor.

Created for an April Fool’s Day joke, the Terran Tauren dons the heavy metal armor of a Terran marine. Depicted by Blizzard artist Sam “Samwise” Didier in the image above, the Tauren can be seen wielding a massive machine gun with a Murloc companion. Let your eyes wander south, however, and you’ll notice a disturbing warning printed across the Tauren’s impressive codpiece that reads “NOT MILK.”

Indeed, that is not milk curdling beneath the Tauren’s cold, blue armoring. It’s semen. Gobs and gobs of anthropomorphized bovine semen.

4. Muscle March – Muscle marching men

Powerful, graceful and well-oiled, the men of Muscle March leave little to the imagination, with their tiny g-string thongs clinging to those firm buttocks for dear life. Inspired by the Human Tetris (aka Hole in the Wall) segment on wacky Japanese gameshow Tonneruzu no Minasan no Okage deshita, Muscle March finds you and your bodybuilding friends in pursuit of a stolen jar of protein powder.

It’s hard not to respect the proud, half-naked army of marching men and their barely masked masculinity as they break through walls and squeeze their bulky bodies through the tiniest of cracks.

 

3. Saints Row: The Third – You (aka me, Tyler Nagata)

THQ took the character-creation slider to the next level with Saints Row: The Third, giving players the freedom to pack as much or as little junk in their character’s front seat as they want. Gone are the days of hanging out in the open world with a grower-not-a-show-er tucked away between the thighs like some sad little secret.

Now, crime fans can enjoy the same level of detail and customization enjoyed by less-deserving body parts. Eat your heart out, eyebrow and nose sliders. The sex-appeal slider has arrived, and the sandbox will never be the same again.

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60 comments

  • XanderGC - January 27, 2012 10:29 a.m.

    Speaking of bulges and I hate that began a sentence like that I couldn't help but notice the massive one everytime I played MVC3 and Taskmaster was in the team. Artist render: http://tinyurl.com/7lebbb9 Ingame: http://tinyurl.com/7k2p44m
  • babyface - January 27, 2012 9 a.m.

    Really hoping the podcast this week is titled battle of the bulge
  • soren7550 - January 25, 2012 10:31 a.m.

    Should have used Reshiram instead of Beartic.
  • codystovall - January 25, 2012 3:58 p.m.

    soren knows what Im talkin bout.
  • Fox_Mulder - January 25, 2012 9:11 a.m.

    I saw the tauren and thought "Did I miss a secret unit in SC II?" I didn't, but it's a shame it was only a joke.
  • Ravenbom - January 25, 2012 5:32 a.m.

    Arkham City's Batman Inc. suit's codpiece was actually a little distracting to me. I think Custer from Custer's Revenge packs the most heat but that game gets a little overused.
  • Thequestion 121 - January 24, 2012 9:46 p.m.

    The funniest Top 7 I've read in a long time. Keep up the good work!
  • SenorHurt - January 24, 2012 5:35 p.m.

    Mr. Nagata, I respectfully beg to differ with the #1 entry. Nothing, I mean nothing beats the 'bulges' in Zone of the Enders. They are larger than people for Pete's sake. I think they may literally be cockpits for their pilots. Yes, that pun was intended but no less true.
  • augdog - January 24, 2012 10:48 a.m.

    Now THIS is the incisive jarnalism I expect from GR!
  • RonnyLive19881 - January 24, 2012 7:32 a.m.

    Wow, this article isn't all that surprising coming from a website that gave crap like Saints Row 3 a 10... and Skyward Sword a 9... $#!%#$@!%!!!!
  • Cwf2008 - January 24, 2012 7:50 p.m.

    OH quit your bitching. A 9 is a very respectable score. Also Saints Row 3 is fun as hell so STFU
  • ThisIsMyFuckingThirdAccount - January 24, 2012 8:59 p.m.

    YES BECAUSE VIDEO GAMS ARE SIRIOUS BUSINESS.
  • c-c-c-combo breaker - January 25, 2012 4:59 p.m.

    Oh dear.
  • GhostNappa2k10 - January 27, 2012 3:22 a.m.

    Sorry, but they both got the scores they deserved. Saint's Row The Third is a masterclass in how to create an open-world game, and Skyward Sword is a sprawling epic, but it has its problems. Put up or shut up.
  • Asloveszuko - January 24, 2012 4:54 a.m.

    A Top 7 worthy of hanging around the best Top 7's!
  • BubDot - January 25, 2012 8:51 a.m.

    Or bottom 7
  • Asloveszuko - February 2, 2012 6:16 a.m.

    *shrugs* Your opinion, not mine.
  • codystovall - January 24, 2012 4:42 a.m.

    Doesnt reshiram have a bigger bulge than beartic.
  • AlpineGuy - January 23, 2012 11:05 p.m.

    Yes. Just....yes.

Showing 1-20 of 60 comments

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