Top 5 biggest rip-offs on the Wii

Jillian Michaels' Fitness Ultimatum 2009

We’re not here to bash the game’s quality, which by the way, this fitness sim just happens to be devoid of. The fact that the graphics are N64-esque, the Balance Board is useless and the motion controls are broken, matters not! It’s that it’s essentially no different than watching a workout video. The only difference is that the Wii checks in occasionally to make sure you’re still alive. Getting it to care, that’ll probably cost extra.

It’s probably a moot point to say that dieting and exercise are inherently free. If you’re convinced that a videogame is going to help you lose weight you’re better off investing in bigger pants.

Hasbro Family Game Night 2

Like we need to tell our readers about this game! We just hope we can tear you guys away from a clumsy game of Wii-Mote Operation or Pictureka long enough to play some Modern Warfare 2 next week LOL! For the uninformed, here’s the five games Hasbro crammed into the Wii edition:

Coming in at $57.96, Hasbro Family Game Night 2 seems to offer quite the digital deal with an asking price of $40. But the analog IRL versions still have an advantage: They all come multiplayer equipped right out of the box. And we’re talking far beyond 2 to 4 players. You could probably have 300 folks play Jenga for a round or two. But you’re going to need that extra Remote to do so on your TV.

Additionally, the Wii version is vastly inferior during camping trips, blackouts and visits from the Amish.

Nerf N-Strike Elite

You could accuse the bundled N-Strike plasti-glock little more than a garish techno-caddy for your Wii Remote. But to be fair, the foam dart firearm is pretty badass provided it’s not hooked up to the game.

Above: “Eat FDA approved dart, ethnically ambiguous cyber-being!”

No matter how you swing it, Nerf simulates guns and so do FPSes. So you’re basically left with a simulation within a simulation, thus twice removed from any shoot-em-up fantasy you’ve ever conjured. Plus, we’re willing to bet that gun will see more use than the game ever will. Why shoot an endless barrage of palette swapped robots when you’ve probably got a cat strutting around the house like he owns the place. Why not cut out the middle man?

That’s a helluva difference! But techinally, the Wii bundle does include a gun and a game. Journalistically, it could be unethical if we didn’t attempt to pair one with our excessively lower priced gun, especially after bashing Nerf N-Strike Elite without ever having played it (Guess our press invite got lost in the mail, EA Salt Lake?!) We’ll do our worst:

Through tireless, vigilante Googling, we managed to net you every Metroid Prime game, a gun to shoot your sister with, and saved you four bucks! Pulitzer, here we come!

Pardon the sardonic bitchfest, but there’s an underlying point to the idiocy you’ve just endured. We’re as upset as anyone that motion controls haven’t been utilized to any real meaningful purpose, and it all came to a boil during the unveiling of Xbox’s Project Natal at this year’s E3 press conference. Surely, Microsoft had taken full advantage of the extra time and superior technology to create something uniquely brilliant, mind-blowing and soul affirming with their motion controller?

Above: Nope

They too went the casual route and presented an audience already bored with expensive alternatives with a technical triumph of things that can readily perform better using tools that have existed for centuries, virtually free of charge.

Thanks, but I can already paint with my hands and I have about as much interest in doing it on my 360 as playing a game of ping pong with my face.

Stick to Halo, guys.

Nov 4, 2009

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  • Scotch - November 11, 2009 5:58 a.m.

    this is very lul, it dad make me sad though that i found out about nerf wii strikeforce is a game... about nerf guns. wow. and as i typed that you just mentioned it in the podcast XD
  • Xenos - November 9, 2009 3:45 p.m.

    Funny that I read this a few weeks after talking to friend (25 at the time) who you coulda mistaken as a rep for nintendo they way he was defending the wii as some sort of miracle workout machine. But what made it so bad is that he REALLY was convinced that the Wii is capable of delivering substantial work out results comparable to actually getting off your ass to do a real one. It was the most hilarious and sad thing I had ever saw, especially to hear form a 25 year old man.
  • gmilf71 - November 10, 2009 8:17 a.m.

    Yep. Plus the real versions are more fun.
  • patri0t - November 7, 2009 10:09 p.m.

    i guess you wii sports resort costs less than a real resort...but nevertheless, i loled
  • Hellhunter97 - November 7, 2009 9:06 p.m.

    2 things. the Wii sucks cuz of the graphics and controls and why change to motion cotroller when reguler controllers already kick ass.
  • protospasm - November 7, 2009 7:39 p.m.

    Not to Kanye on your Gimp-plug, nor; has the best web based photoshop alternative there is.
  • Halestormx - November 6, 2009 9:10 p.m.

    Well I don't know about everyone else, but I was bored with the motion controllers gimick after about the 30th game of bowling. Hell my buddy had his wii for about a month B4 selling it to some sucker kid. Im sticking to my PS360! oh an I promis NOT to just run out and get natal unless there is something accually worth while about the integration into the games.
  • spookysocks - November 6, 2009 4:02 p.m.

    For some reason, this makes me wonna buy a nerf gun.
  • SausageLozenge - November 6, 2009 12:09 p.m.

    @Noblehouse We hate the Wii because We grew up playing Nintendo games. Do you remember Nintendo's quality seal of approval? Probably not.
  • Spybreak8 - November 6, 2009 8:57 a.m.

    Oh I almost forgot, does anyone remember a game (I think its called) Nerf Wars or something like that on the PC. Best arena shooter, I played that for hours and it never got old, powerups helped.
  • Spybreak8 - November 6, 2009 8:51 a.m.

    Hahaha great read, to the defense of all those moms and kids buying the Wii, it looks fun and you're active at the same time (flick flick)! I was thinking about getting it a while ago but unlike the 360 there isn't a vast game library. I do want to play Mario Galaxy though lol.
  • DigitalLover - November 6, 2009 7:46 a.m.

    Why didn't you put Personal Trainer: Walking for the DS on here. I might as well do a little quick comparison Game = $45 dollars DS = $120 DSL or $170 DSI as opposed to A Walking Speedometer = $15 Notebook = $0.99 - $1.50 Pencil = Roughly $0.05 each - $1 for a 10 pack Walking = Free You would spend about $167.50 more buying the game.
  • Hobojedi - November 6, 2009 12:42 a.m.

    If you get a Nerf gun, you'll really want to invest in extra darts to go along with it, they disappear really fast.
  • aatinko - November 6, 2009 12:25 a.m.

    Looks like someone is havin way too much funn! RT
  • TestDDs - November 6, 2009 12:08 a.m.

    This is more proof that the wii is a bunch of crap slapped together painted white then polished and given a motion control. Wii fit good damn it people you don't lose weight for that game. my friend has that and he plays it every damn day he is still in bad shape. If you people want to lose weight go and walk around or even better kick your neighbor's attack dog so it will chase you around that always works.
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - November 5, 2009 10:08 p.m.

    One of my friends is still maintaining that Project Natal is awesome... I sigh at teh thought :(
  • noblehouse - November 5, 2009 9:39 p.m.

    Why do people hate on the Wii so much? You know, if you don't like it you don't have to play it or read anything about it! Instead, you can stay in your hate filled world of HARDCORE first-person shooters and action games. You can blow everything up and jerk off as you watch back some 'awesome' head-shot you made for the 50th time. There is more to life than video games. All those sad xbox and ps3 pricks should get out more and try a little real life.
  • TheWebSwinger - November 5, 2009 9:23 p.m.

    I hate to be that guy, but this article could use some serious syntax editing. Everyone hates a poindexter. But the article's still hilarious, so kudos to you, Mr. Antista! Gettin' some good mileage out of that Minority Report 'shop haha.
  • shpongled - November 5, 2009 8:09 p.m.

    Wii bashing is all the rage now, and for good reason. Nintendo totally lost the plot when they all but took a backward step with their technology. The motion control is ok at best, just random and crap most of the time though. Oh and now they've released an addon that makes the motion control work as it should have done in the first place, AND the added bonus that you'll be buying even more batteries and poluting the environment. A games console made for non-gamers with an amazingly high ratio of shite games to ones even worth playing....
  • GameManiac - November 5, 2009 7:32 p.m.

    I agree with the Nerf gun related one. It's much more fun to use for real than in a game. Just ask my little brother!