Jillian Michaels' Fitness Ultimatum 2009
We’re not here to bash the game’s quality, which by the way, this fitness sim just happens to be devoid of. The fact that the graphics are N64-esque, the Balance Board is useless and the motion controls are broken, matters not! It’s that it’s essentially no different than watching a workout video. The only difference is that the Wii checks in occasionally to make sure you’re still alive. Getting it to care, that’ll probably cost extra.
It’s probably a moot point to say that dieting and exercise are inherently free. If you’re convinced that a videogame is going to help you lose weight you’re better off investing in bigger pants.
Hasbro Family Game Night 2
Like we need to tell our readers about this game! We just hope we can tear you guys away from a clumsy game of Wii-Mote Operation or Pictureka long enough to play some Modern Warfare 2 next week LOL! For the uninformed, here’s the five games Hasbro crammed into the Wii edition:
Coming in at $57.96, Hasbro Family Game Night 2 seems to offer quite the digital deal with an asking price of $40. But the analog IRL versions still have an advantage: They all come multiplayer equipped right out of the box. And we’re talking far beyond 2 to 4 players. You could probably have 300 folks play Jenga for a round or two. But you’re going to need that extra Remote to do so on your TV.
Additionally, the Wii version is vastly inferior during camping trips, blackouts and visits from the Amish.
Nerf N-Strike Elite
You could accuse the bundled N-Strike plasti-glock little more than a garish techno-caddy for your Wii Remote. But to be fair, the foam dart firearm is pretty badass provided it’s not hooked up to the game.
Above: “Eat FDA approved dart, ethnically ambiguous cyber-being!”
No matter how you swing it, Nerf simulates guns and so do FPSes. So you’re basically left with a simulation within a simulation, thus twice removed from any shoot-em-up fantasy you’ve ever conjured. Plus, we’re willing to bet that gun will see more use than the game ever will. Why shoot an endless barrage of palette swapped robots when you’ve probably got a cat strutting around the house like he owns the place. Why not cut out the middle man?
That’s a helluva difference! But techinally, the Wii bundle does include a gun and a game. Journalistically, it could be unethical if we didn’t attempt to pair one with our excessively lower priced gun, especially after bashing Nerf N-Strike Elite without ever having played it (Guess our press invite got lost in the mail, EA Salt Lake?!) We’ll do our worst:
Through tireless, vigilante Googling, we managed to net you every Metroid Prime game, a gun to shoot your sister with, and saved you four bucks! Pulitzer, here we come!
Pardon the sardonic bitchfest, but there’s an underlying point to the idiocy you’ve just endured. We’re as upset as anyone that motion controls haven’t been utilized to any real meaningful purpose, and it all came to a boil during the unveiling of Xbox’s Project Natal at this year’s E3 press conference. Surely, Microsoft had taken full advantage of the extra time and superior technology to create something uniquely brilliant, mind-blowing and soul affirming with their motion controller?
They too went the casual route and presented an audience already bored with expensive alternatives with a technical triumph of things that can readily perform better using tools that have existed for centuries, virtually free of charge.
Thanks, but I can already paint with my hands and I have about as much interest in doing it on my 360 as playing a game of ping pong with my face.
Stick to Halo, guys.
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