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First Appearance: Devil May Cry | 2001
Latest Appearance: Devil May Cry 4 | 2008
Why so overlooked? Reminds us of our mother
Stephen’s critique: Blonde. Sort of pretty. Decent rack. But check those scaffolders’ shoulders. And that face. It’s just a bit too angular. Her jaw, it’s just a little too square. She’s got great legs. And fine leather trousers. But you just know she’s got a cock in there.
First Appearance: Donkey Kong Country | 1994
Latest Appearance: Donkey Kong Barrel Blast | 2007
Why so overlooked? Because the vast majority of the populace have their heads so far stuck up the Middle Ages they can’t imagine a meaningful relationship with a monkey. Time to evolve America!
Stephen’s critique: There’s something deeply disconcerting about staring at a picture of a sexualized monkey. Look, it’s got lipstick and long eyelashes. And furry arms. Like the look of this? You do don’t you? Go on, now imagine dressing your dog up in suspenders. That do it for you, you nauseating bastard? Fancy taking a shower with a pony? Go on work that soap right in there. Right there under the tail. Don’t be shy.
First Appearance: Guitar Hero | 2005
Latest Appearance: in Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock | 2007
Why so overlooked? Because - sorry Activision - no one gives a shit who is playing guitar onscreen.
Stephen’s critique: Channeling the most vacuous femme-rock-obviousness into one yawnsome package, we find Ms Nails. It’s all there, Pink’s stupid hair, Avril Levinge’s studded belt, Fergie’s big, daft, flapping face. Your free cut-out-and-keep guide to corporate, underground authenticity. “Ooooh look,” the gormless cry, “check her tattoos, don’t you see, she’s totally real?” The only correct response to which is thermonuclear.
First Appearance: Half-Life | 2004
Last Apearance: Half-Life 2: Episode 2 | 2007
Why so overlooked? Fear of crowbar reprisal.
Stephen’s critique: In the first image we see a digital Juliette Binoche (Google her, you philistine). She’s clad in understated Parisian casual wear, a practical and timeless Alice band and the kind of make-up free, confident face that only comes with superior bone structure and intellectual conviction. In the second image we see a bunch of nude Juliette Binoches, with guns. The internet’s f***ing great.
Above: I hope you’re happy, internet!
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