Face it: Princess Peach wouldn’t give you the time of day if you spent twenty years rescuing her from ginger lizards. Chun-Li’s just not that into you. Lara Croft? She doesn’t even know you’re alive. Why don’t you quit chasing those quixotic chicks of A-list gamedom and broaden your horizons to something a little more... in your league. No offense to you, or the babes, but we get it: Tifa’s hot! But how many stadiums full of suitors would she have to go through before she finally settled on you?
The truth is the sexy schladies of games are designed, specifically, to send your pants all aflutter. But why is it some game girlz get so much more attention than a mass of qualified others? Enough is enough! To right past wrongs, we wanted to extend our deepest spanks to the gals oft overlooked by Hottie Lists, DeviantArt mock-ups, and sometimes even the very developers that gave them life.
And once again, resident fashion poobah, and self-proclaimed “Jooblyologist,” Stephen Pierce is bringin’ the classy with his keen eye for flaw-detection and veiled vulgarity. From the gentlemen that brought you such dignified salutes to femininity as Sexy Fan Art and Gaming’s Greatest M.I.L.F.s, we present our tribute to sultry damsels long ignored.
First Appeared in: Space Channel 5 | 2000
Last appeared in: Sega Superstars Tennis | 2008
Why so overlooked? Because despite our affection, her franchise tanked. And dancing next to Michael Jackson looks more “captive” than “sexy.”
Stephen’s critique: Stagey and rubberized she may be, but this Barbarella meets Deee-Lite love-toy has certainly got the moves. She’s currently available for contemporary dance reviews, postmodern free-expressionist footwork, East European mime craft and PVC piss-parties.
First appeared in: Super Mario Land | 1989
Last appeared in: Mario Kart Wii | 2008
Why so overlooked? Because she hasn’t done anything except me-too’ed her way into Mushroom Kingdom mash-ups since her inception.
Stephen’s critique: Whether rocking a puff-pastry ball-gown, or too-short gym-shorts, Daisy comes correct with a baseball baton, a mountainous pyrotechnic hairdo and the kind of big dewy eyes that make uncles think wrong.
First appeared in: Phoenix Wright: Justice for All | 2005
Last appeared in: Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations | 2007
Why so overlooked? Well, the whip is... debatable, but her unique ability to prosecute that ass into a life of incarceration also means she could be the last woman you’ll ever see.
Stephen’s critique: S&M overtones and a Star Trek bouffant place Franziska firmly in the niche-love camp. Ideal for those who take their arousals with the ‘thhwipp’ of a leather paddle and the lavatorial security of a man-diaper.