OK, so virtually all Wii games use the Wii-mote for gesture-based gaming. Sure. But where's the 1:1 movement? Where's the real sword fighting? We don't want a scripted animation resulting from a basic action – we want full 3D control. The closest we've seen yet is spiking fish in Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz with its into-the-screen spiking action, and twirling the baseball bat behind our heads as we wait for the pitch in Wii Sports. We don't like being teased.
Wii memory card slot
At launch, we bought a 2.0GB memory card to use in our Wii. But it's been redundant since that time. OK, so putting a digital camera card into it is fun cos you can make your dog wear glasses with the fun editing stuff, but that's about it. You can't even store Virtual Console games and then run them from it - just move them there when you inevitably run out of local storage space and then copy them back across when you want to play them. Rubbish.
Skype on PSP
PSP Slim & Lite has got Skype on it. Great. The only person we know who we would actually want to talk to over Skype has only got the old model PSP that doesn't do it. D'oh! And you need a headset if you want to talk… so hardly 'free'.
Voice recognition (DS) – Brain Training, Nintendogs
DS can recognise your voice. Very well. Dr Kawashima has been listening carefully as we shout colours at him, and he usually understand what you're saying (it's yellow not 'yeller'). And our Nintendogs… OMG when did we last feed them?! Aaaargh! *Pause* Well, when they were still with us (sniff), they learned to chase their tails on demand. So why don't more games use voice recognition? Imagine commanding your Pokemon just by telling them what to do. "Pikachu! Use Thunderbolt!" What do we get instead? We get to blow on the mic. Again.
Above: Two cute dogs admire a pink DS. Anything to avoid looking at muto-mutt.