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Things we'd like to see in a Grand Theft Auto movie

Director

Though Uwe Boll states that he wants to direct a "gritty" GTA film, I don't want him in the same zip code as the filming. None of his previous films have been anything but campy schlock, and not campy in the "it's so bad, it's good" way, but in the "good God I feel bad for the German taxpayers who financed this" way. So, no Boll.

Quentin Tarantino would be a stylish choice. He does homage films all the time, and the GTA games are honorific of gangster films in many ways. He can balance campiness with gritty realism and violence. But he also likes to write his own films and could find the GTA world claustrophobic.

Still he's young enough to take an ambitious project like this, something that more tested crime-drama directors may hesitate to take on. Brian De Palma (Scarface, Carlito's Way) and Martin Scorsese (The Departed, Gangs of New York, Raging Bull) would be great choices, but I can't see them directing a videogame movie. But maybe if we ask them really nicely.



The Cast

Let's think big here. An ensemble cast is a must. If you look at Scarface, The Departed, and Pulp Fiction for reference, all three had interweaving subplots and serious Hollywood heavyweights in every role. If they filmed GTA III, then you'd have to cast DMX as Eight-ball, Eric Bana as Claude, and Eva Mendes as Catalina. Maybe snag Ken Watanabe for Kenji, bribe Aaron Eckhart to be Donald Love and send millions of letters to Robert DeNiro to convince him to cameo as Toni Cipriani.

Vice City could have Ray Liotta, who was the voice of Tony Vercetti, reprise the role on screen. I also think Chris Noth could be a decent choice, given his Law and Order experience. Wesley Snipes seems like a good Lance, and maybe we can bribe Jenna Jameson to also reprise her role as Candy Suxxx.

San Andreas is harder because the protagonist does not have a set appearance. My version looked like Kenan Thompson. But I'm not sure if that makes him a compelling centerpiece for drama. However, one thing is obvious: you need to get Samuel L. Jackson to play Tenpenny (he's already the voice and likeness after all) and Chow Yun-Fat would be a pretty badass Woozie, in my opinion.

I'm going to reserve judgment on GTA IV's cast until I actually get my hands on the game. Feel free to write in with your own casting, directing, and story suggestions for a GTA movie. That's it for me and PC Gamer "where dreams go to die."

May 22, 2008

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