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Things The Force Unleashed won't unleash

 
Again, we understand why LucasArts isn't going to bring things like bare tits into a Star Wars game, but it's not like they don't tease us with them. Far from being a strait-laced Imperial officer, pilot Juno Eclipse spends the game with her jacket open, showing off ample cleavage behind her low-cut tank top. And seeing as she's being touted as Starkiller's love interest, it only makes sense that he - and we - should get to see what's beyond that cleavage at some point.

And Christ, have you seen what Maris Brood is wearing?

We're just saying, is all.

 
If there's one especially dark spot in Force Unleashed, it's Darth Vader. The game represents a stunning return to form for the Dark Lord of the Sith, turning the whiny bitch we've come to hate back into the dynamo of pure evil that we used to love. He's once again hateful, violent and in the habit of killing people for reasons that range from "failure" to "he was just there, I don't know."

His evil was never more palpable than when we played as Vader in Force Unleashed's first level. Everything about him emanates raw, barely restrained anger, from his lurching movements to the way he dismissively Force-chokes Wookiees and hurls them aside. But what struck us the most was his herky-jerky Frankenstein walk. Vader doesn't walk, run or stroll - he stomps, and if he's stomping toward a Wookiee, that Wookiee is about to get its shit cut off. So it got us thinking: why not use Vader's incredible stomping power for one of the most horrific execution techniques of all time?


Above: Imperial History X

It might be a stretch for Star Wars, but not for videogames - after all, we've already seen the "good guys" in Gears of War smash a few jaws against a few curbs. Sure, there aren't any curbs on Kashyyk, but Vader's a smart guy. He can improvise.

 
Over the course of Force Unleashed, you will hurl men around like ragdolls. You will rip chunks off the environment and send it screaming into your enemies' faces at high speeds. You will even unleash the forbidden destructive powers of Force lightning.

But you will never, ever, EVER use the Force to open a pickle jar.

EVER.

Maybe it's something we can hope to see in the sequel?

Jul 31, 2008

2 comments

  • Vader999 - October 24, 2009 5:04 a.m.

    I really wish they would release an M rated version with all the above conditions satisfied........and MORE VADER LEVELS PLEASE!!!! If I were to design it, it would be like Sonic Adventure 2; two storylines running parallel and meeting in the end; the story of Vader and his apprentice. While the Apprentice is away doing Vader's tasks, Vader would be either taking quests from the Emperor or his officials; or looking for a way to overthrow his master. And the end would have you use one character or the other, beat the other guy, and eventually kill the Emperor/take his place/free the galaxy....or whatever...... I mean they started with a very good thing in the beginning but they dumped it and focused on Starkiller until the end, which was kinda disappointing for me. Especially with the Ultimate Sith edition having Vader totally gone from the picture......
  • DARK_SIDE - September 6, 2008 1:30 p.m.

    pickle jar lol that is one of the funniest things i've read in a while. I think they should "unleash" these things in future star wars games

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