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The Worst Celebrity Renders of All Time

Please explain how Patrick Stewart looks older in a 1993 NES game than he does now... fifteen years later. We wouldn't trust this doddering old grandmother to chew applesauce, let alone command an entire starship.

Going back a generation doesn't help. Did Spock recently finish tying the sheriff's daughter onto the railroad tracks? Or is he now part of some forgotten, but totally racist, 1940s wartime propaganda poster? Either way, we're offended. And a little creeped out.

Hey Captain Kirk, turn that glory-hole frown upside down! At least they got the top half of your face right. Sorta.


Here's another example, from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, in which nothing is technically wrong with the actor's render. The hair, the eyes, the glasses, the scar... nothing is out of place.

Except any semblance of a soul, pulse or personality, of course. This thing's not human; it's a robot, a mannequin, a wax statue. It belongs in a museum, or possibly a haunted house.

To be honest, we did catch (and capture) young Harry at one particularly hideous frame of a cut scene. Who knows if he or any other character in the game ever looks that bad again? Oh, that's right - we do.



Create your own James Bond character in three easy steps!

1) Construct vaguely humanoid shape out of cardboard tubes and boxes.

2) Print color photograph of your favorite 007 personality.
(Select lowest resolution to save ink and money.)

3) Apply paper onto model using tape, glue, gum or spit.

4) Congratulations - you're done! Now burn your monstrous creation before you scare the neighbor's children. Or, fill character with candy for a fun-filled siesta!

Is this character - from 007: Everything or Nothing - ugly? No, not at all.
Does this character resemble model Heidi Klum? No, not at all.

Does it matter? Considering her photo is printed smack dab on the front of the game box, yeah, we think so.




Next time you hear someone bitch about the gaming industry's slobbering and juvenile obsession with women, point them to a copy of CSI: Hard Evidence. Clearly, no effort was spent on the ladies in this game whatsoever. The renders of corpses and used condoms, on the other hand, are top-notch.

26 comments

  • Wes-scarborough - December 7, 2011 7:16 a.m.

    Hahaha holyy shitt....this was hilarious, I was laughing so hard reading this I swear to God, too funny... keep up the good/hilarious work.
  • kalebm9 - July 18, 2011 1:14 p.m.

    Iwas laghing so hard at bill murry I thot id fall out of my rocker
  • FanofSaiyan - January 1, 2010 3:44 a.m.

    The most painful thing in Tony Hawks career... besides his broken bones.
  • Rasy2kG - October 7, 2008 5:30 a.m.

    I think Val Kilmer's render in will Willow is pretty bad ass
  • kaoticfish - December 6, 2008 10:35 a.m.

    lol great article.
  • statuslegendary - November 26, 2008 6:35 a.m.

    Spot on, I laughed so hard at the bit about Sly. Whoever crafted that gem of a likeness over at Nintendo is a genius! Great article as usual.
  • Flopsy - October 6, 2008 3:35 p.m.

    It's "fiesta" and not "siesta" under the Goldeneye entry. Fiesta is a party and siesta is a nap.
  • midknight8 - October 5, 2008 11:11 p.m.

    Bill murray killed my parents in a clown suit too...
  • TheGreatHobbe - October 4, 2008 5:42 p.m.

    everyone from spiderman 3 scares me
  • MultiGamer - October 4, 2008 4:51 p.m.

    First! That Bill Murray one was hilarious, also the jackie chan one.
  • linkganon - July 31, 2009 4:17 a.m.

    sorry, misspelled daniel craig.
  • linkganon - July 31, 2009 4:15 a.m.

    even though the characters on goldeneye do not resemble the characters on the movies, it is still #1 bond game ever, strange that the more realistic james bond games became, the worse the gameplay got. last thing to mention, best multiplayer bond game has to be nightfire since 7 computers can join in even if there are 1 to 4 players playing, but single player is better so goldeneye is still better than all of the bond games. i am surprised that goldeneye is still 30-40 dollars at one store yet all the bond games for gamecube ps2 x box ps3 and x box 360 excluding the danier craig one is 10 dollars max.
  • titansfan - July 30, 2009 8:07 a.m.

    great article as always
  • SandroTheMaster - July 30, 2009 6:22 a.m.

    "Fun Fact#2: The japanese believe David Bowie is the Devil" For all the freaking Gods and Devils, the David Bowie one me laugh so hard I thought I'd die (again). Also, the Macaulay Culkin's gave me a frightening flashback that I don't even know where it came from (and I really, really don't want to remember).
  • Gsindahouse - July 29, 2009 8:50 p.m.

    pretty funny, man No, seriously...funny...real funny WHAT THE HECK! on the spock thing, though otherwise that joke about the propaganda poster was mercilessly hilarious I'm in the middle of a library, okay go easy on me
  • LycanFox1 - May 25, 2009 1:29 p.m.

    omg Harry Potter looks like a retard!
  • youtouchedme2xtdar - May 12, 2009 4:12 p.m.

    lovin it
  • BuckyKat - March 18, 2009 6:38 p.m.

    The developer of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves only had the rights to make a game based on the movie. They didn't get the rights to use any of the actor's likenesses which is why Robin Hood doesn't look anything like Kevin Costner nor do any of the other characters look like the actual actors that portrayed them.
  • Mavarious - March 18, 2009 2:38 a.m.

    hehehe, that was hilarious
  • Oxfordcomma4 - February 27, 2009 12:28 a.m.

    Chuck Norris = burger head on karate robes? FTW Julia roberts = fairy butterfly thing? FT... wait... OK

Showing 1-20 of 26 comments

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