The Top 7... worst video game ports that should've been taken out back with a shotgun

5. Street Fighter II, 1992

The console it was crapped out on: ZX Spectrum

Why it should have been great: The most influential beat 'em up of all time combining with a ten-year-old, semi obscure British console, which was about as powerful as a broken light bulb in an EASY-BAKE Oven; what could go wrong? Oh, right.

Above: Hey, it could have been worse... erm, fighters could have broken out Nazi salutes after winning fights

Why it was a conversion car crash: We don’t want to be too hard on this one, because it was a minor miracle they ever got it running on the Spectrum. But bugger us gently in the eardrum if it ain’t ugly as sin. Specifically the Gluttony sin from Se7en….

Above: Hey good lookin’

Really, who in the name of Jiminy F*ckin' Cricket  was still playing the Spectrum in 1992 (i.e. a full ten years after it was released in the UK). Considering the power of the machine, we could perhaps get over the hideous looks. But seeing as Street Fighter has always been founded on lightning quick button inputs and enthralling matches of supreme, tactical speed... ah screw it, just look at the damn thing in action below.

You see the problem now? It's like the Spectrum title has been ported from the 16-bit versions by a nine-year-old kid drawing it in a flip book with crayons. If that wasn't enough, because of the ancient machine's games coming on cassette tapes, you had to manually load each character and stage separately. Think of it like using a VCR, except instead of trying to fast forward to the money shot of that German skin flick a guy at school sold you, you have to get a shitty fighting game to a precise point of the tape to get the thing to even work. Still, bless 'em; they did at least try. And isn't that the most important thing? The answer, is of course, quite empathically, no.

4. Bayonetta, 2009

The console it was crapped out on: PS3

Why it should have been great: One of the first titles to be released by Platinum Games (i.e. the developer fronted by three geniuses who between them brought us Devil May Cry, Resident Evil and Okami), Bayonetta looked at existing action games, had a bit of a pout, then kicked them in groinal region with her 14 inch stilettos. With breathless pacing, amazing boss encounters (you kill one of them by impaling the monstrosity on a buggering church) and a deep but accessible combat system, it looked all set to be the dog's bollocks. And it was... on 360.

To prepare your eye sockets for some PS3 Bayonetta bashing, why not watch this Digital Foundry video of the two versions running side by side that some Johnny Randomer handily posted on Youtube.

Why it was a conversion car crash: Snarky criticism loading... loading... any second now... oh, c'mon... friggin' load you stupid words. Ah, that's better. Providing you're not sniffing glue while reading this article, you've probably guessed the primary bugbear with the PS3 port (aside from the ocular-offending frame rate troubles you've just had to endure), were the ludicrous load times.

Above: Sure, Bayonetta on PS3 takes a fair time to load, but we're sure this Stone Age dude will be kicking demon ass before the Ice Age...

And we're not just talking about before you started a level. No, we're talking when you pick up an item, when you want to look at your save files, before the start of a cutscene, even when you enter the pause menu. Yup, the PS3 version of Bayonetta needs a bit of a lie down when you try to pause the bloody thing.  

Above: Oh

These issues probably came about because Platinum Games decided to hand the PS3 version onto Nex Entertainment, who are best known for working on Resident Evil: Code Veronica on the Dreamcast. As is often the case when offloading development duties to another studio, the externally produced port sucked hobo Johnson next to the lead platform version. In spite of the solar powered slowdown, lethargic load times and blurry cutscenes, Bayonetta remained hugely playable on Sony's console and happily most of the problems were swept under the lollypop-sucking carpet when the PS3 version was patched shortly after release.

3. Dead Rising: Chop Till You Drop, 2009

The console it was crapped out on: Wii

Why it should have been great: The most gloriously daft game of the generation was coming to a console which would finally make Frank's horribly stiff aiming system a breeze, thanks to its motion control. At the same time it would recapture the sheer insanity of battling a chainsaw-wielding clown in a crowd of a hundred zombies, while dressed in a horrendously unflattering floral skirt. Plus,added zombie poodles.

Above: We count 20 odd onscreen zombies in the above shot and this is barren for the 360 version

Why it was a conversion car crash: You know what’s kinda important to a game based on a zombie apocalypse? If you said a photo journalist who goes about disembowelling the hordes of the undead with kitchen utensils while rocking the Mega Man look, you'd be half right. Crucially, though, last time we checked, it was the actual zombies that were fairly important to a Dead Rising title functioning.

Thus, you'll most likely grasp why the Chop Till You Drop is a big, fat, festering failure when you look at this shot...

Above: Oh shit, hang on. We don't have enough fingers to count

Need the point reemphasised further? Go on then, have a gander below.

Turns out, the Wii's weedy processing power simply wasn't up to the task of recreating Willamette mall's zombie masses. Where the 360 game would frequently feature hundreds of undead Americans on your tele box at once, the Wii port was lucky if it could handle ten. When the core appeal of a title is about figuring out how to navigate your way through confined spaces which are filled with a seemingly impassable sea of zombies, reducing that sea to a few drops of brain-scoffing precipitation is kinda a big deal.

Above: Dang, how is Frankie boy gonna get himself out of this?

And we haven't even mentioned Chop Till You Drop's other array of semi crippling problems. Like, completely ditching the enjoyable photography mini-games from the original and laughable pop-up, which makes it look like the game's infected have seemingly mastered the power of teleportation. Faced with the prospect of playing this abomination or actually struggling for survival in a real mall filled with the living dead, we'd go almost certain zombie death every time. Although, admittedly, we'd be choosing the mall for its fine selection of floral skirts. They do conceal our games jarnalist hips rather nicely, after all.

Above: Well, if it's the Wii port, probably with consummate ease. Just watch out for that one zombie. He's a proper bastard to best


  • warlord2080 - January 3, 2012 1:36 p.m.

    i think another game that they may have left out is shadow of the beast for the sega genesis faster enemies and crappy hit detection.
  • Sabtos - September 9, 2010 2:16 a.m.

    Yeah, PC was exactly what I experienced RE4 on. I still can not comprehend the logic behind the control scheme. For the most part I got used to it, but the only reason I played it on PC was because I borrowed it.
  • Clovin64 - September 8, 2010 6:42 p.m.

    I dont think Bayonetta on PS3 was that bad. Slighty worse garaphics and irritating load times aside, it was a fine game. I finished it twice and was able to ignore the problems after a while. The only really annoying part was when you die during a tricky boss fight and are forced to endure a massve load time before you can give it another hot. Surely that Street Fighter II port was worse?
  • AuthorityFigure - September 8, 2010 10:43 a.m.

    You're kidding yourself if you think the white pellets in Pacman were 'iconic'...
  • philipshaw - September 8, 2010 10:20 a.m.

    Pac Man does look awful but I forgot how bad Mercs 2 was
  • 435 - September 8, 2010 9:47 a.m.

    Tom Selleck -is- awesome.
  • therawski - September 7, 2010 6:26 p.m.

    As an American I love this quote: "hundreds of undead Americans" But I couldn't believe that people were saying red dead was a bad port on ps3, I had absolutely no problems with it.
  • rytr - September 7, 2010 2:57 p.m.

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  • Rockmotron9000 - September 7, 2010 8:46 a.m.

    god i LOVE top7! most of the entries were spectacular! especially liked SF2 and the Wii version of DR. when will developers learn not to port awesome games to the Wii?
  • jmcgrotty - September 7, 2010 6:47 a.m.

    "Unlike the writer of these words and probably loads of you reading this, Monsieur Cundos was actually alive in 1982" Dear god, is this true? The average age around here is that young? How depressing.
  • manicania - September 7, 2010 4:08 a.m.

    I really don't get what's so bad about Bayonetta for the PS3. So the graphics are slightly worse than Xbox, so what? The controls are fine, the gameplay is solid, the combat is good, what's the problem? Even from the video, the only thing you notice is slightly worse graphics...
  • silellak - September 7, 2010 3:59 a.m.

    A good list, but it really should've included the Ultima VII port for the Super Nintendo: *twitch*
  • FauxFurry - September 7, 2010 2:28 a.m.

    It was games like Pac-Man, Indiana Jones and E.T. that caused me not only to feel less than the slightest twinge of dread when it appeared that console gaming would go away for good,I practically welcomed it. The box art was more fun than games themselves,quite the opposite of even the worst games nowadays where box art is just a formality. That's the only thing that I get remotely nostalgic about!
  • skynetiscoming - September 7, 2010 12:23 a.m.

    I played through that piece of shit Mercenaries 2 twice on PS2 and half a time on the PS3. God what a mess.
  • Yirba - September 6, 2010 11:36 p.m.

    I really hate to keep on mentioning it, bu Roxy really is a girl. It's only Poison who's a guy. And Nintendo removed them because they didn't approve of violence against women.
  • KaiokenKid - September 6, 2010 11:05 p.m.

    @lovinmyps3: but.... dont you play on PS3? (I kid, I kid, but still, PS3 dosent usualy get the BEST best version.)
  • lovinmyps3 - September 6, 2010 10:30 p.m.

    I'm glad I haven't suffered from any of the horrible ports. I always get the good version!
  • Onepersonwithnoopinion - September 6, 2010 10:15 p.m.

    I'm surprised that this feature isn't filled with just fighting games and RTSs. Starcraft 64 and Command and Conquer PS1 for instance.
  • KaiokenKid - September 6, 2010 9:26 p.m.

    @JADENkOTOR: Yeah, ive grown to try and not let stuff like this get me mad, and pheonix seemed resonable and he didnt do the stupid "mah PS3 is teh bestest" type of stuff alot of people do, so there was no need to get mad. I have both consoles, so really, I dont see why I should care that much. It does kinda bother me that most times the 360 version does look a bit better then the PS3 version, maybe because I believe that the console with the (arguably) better looking exclusives should atleast be able to get the same results as the other console. that dosent seem to unresonable to me. And the only way I think this can really be fixed is having teh PS3 as the lead paltform all the time for multiplatform games or devs need to find a way to get equal performance from going from 360 to PS3. But that way dosent seem very likely, so I think the best we can hope for is that the "Using PS3 as lead platform for all our games" catches on alot more then it is now, because the only big time studio doing that way of deving is EA. smaller devs are doing that too like Lucas Arts, but really, the devs doing this type of deving are a small portion of the larger dev pool. Which makes me think it wont catch on before this gen is out because games usualy take 2 years to develop.
  • Gamesarerad - September 6, 2010 9:18 p.m.

    What show was that in the bayonetta pic with the dinosaurs? I remember watching that creepy ass show as a kid.

Showing 1-20 of 56 comments

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