5) Give up without trying
There is a certain man of Radar who has an ex who, when they were still an item, suggested they should play Goldeneye one Friday night. Said man of Radar was initially overjoyed. A girlfriend who was a) tolerant of games and b) would actually suggest the hardcore competitive delight that is Goldeneye multiplayer? Why, he had landed on his feet most triumphantly here. Nothing could go wrong. Right?
Above: Pensive Brosnan knows knows something is up
Cut to an hour later, when after repeated two-player stalk-and-kill deathmatches, said man of Radar was the victim of a barrage of increasingly angry chastisement. He wasn’t picking on his girlfriend. Hell, the scores were pretty even. But every kill he made earned him a deluge of shouts regardless. It wasn’t his fault. With only a multiplayer map, a bunch of guns and a single target to play with, he had limited options. No, the issue was that his opponent was a sulky loser. And that’s far worse than being a bad loser.
Above: Knee-jerk reactions to failure lead to very messed-up thinking
You see it all the time, even with supposed hardcore types on occasion. Someone plays a game, meets with some form of defeat, and then immediately becomes negative about the whole experience. When you’re trying to introduce someone to the wonderful world of games, it’s a crushingly miserable thing to face. What happened to the joy of learning? What happened to the fun of using human ingenuity to overcome problems? What happened to the sweet sense of achievement attached to surmounting a previous challenge?
These people care not for any of that. They just want to win stuff with no effort. Which isn’t actually winning when you think about it. Fear not though, their numbers are dwindling, as they increasingly give up on breathing after experiencing a bad smell.
4) Shout orders from the back seat
The back seat is not equipped with a steering wheel. There is a reason for that. It is because the back seat is not where the driver sits. The driver sits on the front seat. In the front. Where all the important stuff required for driving is located. If you are sitting in the back - on the back seat - you are in charge of nothing. In fact, you're probably a dog or child or some other being that is inferior to the person in the front seat. So it's probably best that you sit back, enjoy the ride and keep that big mouth hole below your nose zipped tight.
Above: Back seat gamers - this dog speaks the truth
There are two types of back seat gamer. First, there are back-seat non-gamers. The misguided but well-meaning prattling of these idiots is easy enough to ignore as they don't know what they're talking about. But then there are back-seat gamers who are also actual gamers. And that crosses a very serious line. These are not harmless words of advice. They are a challenge to a gamer's status. A geek power struggle for dominance. Like two silverbacks properly going at it. Only with less roaring and more awkward shuffling in the front and/or back seats.
Above: If you're going to insist on being a back-seat gamer, don't go crying when shit gets ugly
Gamers all like to think that they are good at games. Amazing even. So to have some know-it-all gamer gobshite farting words in our earholes like guffy bullets about how we *should* be playing a game is not only annoying to the point of physical violence, it's also highly offensive and is probably against the rules anyway. So don't do it.