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The Top 7... Worst scenes in Uwe Boll movies



The game: Paranormal investigators Edward Carnby and Aline Cedrac explore a haunted estate, only to find that the house sits atop a doorway to a monster-filled dimension of darkness.

 

The movie: Paranormal investigators Edward Carnby and Aline Cedrac explore a nonsensical plot involving ancient relics and zombies controlled by worms implanted at the base of their spines.


Above: Incidentally, this is the only time in the movie that anyone is actually alone in the dark 

Then a bunch of heavily armed government commandos show up and turn the whole thing into a SciFi Channel Original Movie, only somehow louder and stupider and dumber and shittier.


Above: You could say they’re alone, if by 'alone' you mean 'alone with all their commando friends'

The worst scene: We’re tempted to give this one to the narrated, seemingly hours-long opening text crawl, but that’s not just terrible – it’s boring. So instead, we’re going to focus on what even Boll himself admits is the movie’s weakest point: Tara Reid trying to act like a brainy museum curator.


Above: Yeah, right 

Now, we’ve got nothing against pretty women who want to pull their hair back, don a pair of glasses and start rattling off a bunch of important-sounding facts and figures. It’s a basic cornerstone of popular cinema. But when a baby-faced, squeaky-voiced celebutard does it, and does it in a stiff monotone while apparently reading her lines off a computer screen, well, we’re unimpressed.


Above: ‘Christian, can you move your hand? I can’t see my next line’ 

Couple her embarrassingly disposable performance with the moronic fight (seriously, who keeps a car in their living room?) and unconvincing chase that follow, and you’ve got a scene that neatly encapsulates everything that’s wrong with the film: its scare-free direction, its near-incomprehensibility and its idiotic emphasis on gunplay (remember that part in the game where all the commandos smashed in and started shooting all the monsters for you and completely removed all tension and fear? Yeah, neither do we).

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62 comments

  • 2cute2Bcruel - September 26, 2010 5:42 a.m.

    Boll is to movies what Hitler is to paintings. I guess.
  • DoctorCrazy - May 9, 2010 11:04 p.m.

    Why are all his movies filmed in Vancouver?
  • Scotch - November 30, 2009 3:53 a.m.

    this is one of my favorite top sevens and a classic podcast :D
  • Games_Radar_DaveMeikleham - October 2, 2009 11:08 a.m.

    Uwe Boll is amazing. That is all.
  • AGNGoo - October 22, 2008 5:32 p.m.

    The real scary thing? Uwe Boll is actually a pretty well-respected director in his native Germany, to the point where he's written books on the subject of movie making and one's even a commonly used textbook in German film schools. Having seen some of his German-language stuff, which is not amazing but still pretty good, and seen German horror movies in general directed by people I have to assume took a page from his book (literally), I must conclude either 1.) Uwe Boll is just trying to pull Americans' collective legs by acting insane and violent and incapable of directing a good movie or 2.) he's on a one-man mission to subvert the American horror film industry so that Americans have to look overseas for their good horror. If it's the latter, he's way too late for that.
  • blunt ambition - October 18, 2008 11:22 p.m.

    Bloodrayne, Alone in the dark and now I hear he's been hired for Far cry the movie. He's just the worst director ever.
  • rhysbolt - October 6, 2008 5:26 p.m.

    lol never say the n word
  • MultiGamer - October 4, 2008 6:46 p.m.

    Uwe Boll should be locked away, far away from all games. Same goes for Paul Anderson.
  • Iffo - September 28, 2008 2:47 p.m.

    Ok, I figured out why the kids in HotD see the action as mid 90's 3D graphics - they're clearly on drugs! But I can't figure how Dr.Curien had so much spare time (you know between all the research and plans of taking over the world) to record an egocentric hip hop tune that describes his manor as The House of The Dead?! This is worse than Cole's "tune" in the GoW credits!! Did I heard that correctly? "I am Curien - bringer of the legions of the house of the dead!! I am Curien - bringer of the vengeance!" WTF?!
  • RaIdEn - September 27, 2008 6:57 a.m.

    It's impossible to figure out why this guy got seven movie deals. SEVEN!
  • Yellowhat17 - September 25, 2008 2:09 a.m.

    Bowl's the one doing Farcry? That explains how the plot is changed and it looks like the stupidist movie I've ever seen. Ever... though I haven't seen it. Because it's not out yet. Whatever.
  • Smeggs - September 24, 2008 9:07 p.m.

    There's only one word to describe his movies, Shittastic: There is a reason it is not a word, because there's no such thing as a good pile of shit.
  • DeathbyFira - September 24, 2008 1:06 a.m.

    This guy is a Joke i kind of like to watch his crappy movies to make fun of him but the Asin thing pissed me off i hope this basterd burns in hell for eternity and please lets all sign that petition to stop this basterd form killing all are hopes and dreams for good Gameing Movies thank u
  • Solid_Gabriel - September 24, 2008 12:21 a.m.

    I gotta be honest, i only watched two of his movies. The House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. But those two really SUCK HARD!!! House of the Dead was the worst of these two i've seen...
  • drunkenfish - September 23, 2008 10:12 p.m.

    omfg that last scene was so hillarious. (House of the Dead not the press shot) The 360 around the old dude w/ the launcher and the weak music. Then the way he spliced in shots of the videogame. omg....omg
  • Fluxnard - September 23, 2008 8:14 p.m.

    Notice at 1:06 (at the House of the Dead video) the girl is holding a shotgun, then shortly after...she has a handgun...
  • monojono - September 23, 2008 6:35 p.m.

    Holy Diver - 20 hours 17 minutes ago "There must be some people here who watvh his movies. Studios wouldnt let him direct if his films didnt make any money" See here - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uwe_boll His films lose money, he pays for them himself thanks to German tax benefits for film-makers.
  • carsonnik - September 23, 2008 6:07 a.m.

    Wait, what the fuck is he saying? Because Asian drivers in Vancouver don't turn left because HE wants them to turn left, he has secret fantasies of him blowing their brains out? That doesn't even make any sense at all. What an asshole, I have a new found hatred for him now.
  • infinite doo - September 23, 2008 5:46 a.m.

    I loved this article, especially the last vid where he actually admits "I hate video games". So there. thats why all his movies suck. he hates the source material. Also, i like getting 7 pages, its more bang for my buck. plus, since its free, its all bang and NO buck, one of the best things ever. Also, i have a lot of free time, so anything to keep me on the site day after day is good =)
  • Fokker1138 - September 23, 2008 2:08 a.m.

    I haven't watched any of his movies outside of Postal, but as far as the comments of "no good goddamn reason", did he even play the game? That's pretty much the theme of Postal and Postal 2, random violence. It's a fun game just for the sheer mindlessness of it, sort of like going on a destructive bender in a GTA game. I think the movie was fairly true to the game and I enjoyed the absurdity of it.

Showing 1-20 of 62 comments

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