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The Top 7... worst jobs for game characters

Wanted: Dracula's interior designer.

Job description: Oversee construction of Dracula's immense castle. Said castle must include, but is not limited to: clockwork tower filled with spikes; creepy underwater passageways; and daunting tower ideal for final showdown. Applicant must be willing to capture and train all henchmonsters. Job is seasonal - your work will be obliterated every year by a Belmont or some other such nonsense. Must be willing to create entirely new castle every year, for thousands of years until Dracula finally dies. (Note: Dracula will never die.)

Submit resumes to: Any 2D Castlevania game. THREE DIMENSIONAL APPLICANTS WILL BE DENIED.

Suckage factor: Soaring. Every year you'll have to conceive and build a new monstrous castle, only to watch some whip-cracking tool come along and burn it to the ground. Do you think the Belmonts even stop to appreciate all the hard work that goes into building a castle, or the elaborate statues that dot the hallways? Hell, does Dracula even have time to pass judgment on his own home before it's razed into atoms?

And don't get us started on the architectural challenges of maintaining an upside down castle...



Wanted: Bottomless pit digger.

Job description: Exactly what it sounds like - applicant will be required to constantly dig a hole to such depths that it appears "bottomless." No pit can truly be bottomless, however, which is why we require workers to furiously make said hole deeper. It must never appear to have an end, even if some game-breaking code allows the player to investigate the pit. Should a hero of note fall in, do not aid - simply continue digging. Forever.

Send resumes to: Super Mario Bros., Halo, the majority of 8/16-bit games.

Suckage factor: Intense. Despite all the work, Mario will probably leap over it once and never look back. But you've got to keep that pit ready in case someone else wanders by.

Back-breaking labor for all eternity... what could possibly be worse than this?

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Top 7

14 comments

  • santaclouse37 - November 18, 2010 12:48 a.m.

    The only Fatality that ever really genuinely disturbed me was the one where Ermac slams his own head against the ground until it explodes. That shit was creepy long before Dead Space copied it in the one corridor bit.
  • BurntToShreds - August 21, 2010 5:07 a.m.

    Manny: I believe that the turtle boss is from Contra 3 for the SNES.
  • WesJones87 - August 17, 2010 2:49 p.m.

    The fatality video was B-E-A-Utiful!
  • Da-Ku - August 31, 2008 6:01 p.m.

    The Comment System Is Good But Not I Have To Go Back To Every Article I Read And Say "Great Article"... *sigh*
  • Manny-Faces - December 9, 2008 4:09 a.m.

    what games the turtle first boss from again im having a brain fart any1? and good article never looked at games like this before.
  • Hurricrane - December 9, 2008 3:24 a.m.

    rofls, RPG villains only serve mute spiked hair dudes XD
  • GamesRadarCharlieBarratt - December 1, 2008 11:38 p.m.

    Keep fighting the good fight, Da-Ku.
  • killemall - March 25, 2009 7:30 p.m.

    its been along time since i've wanted to play motal kombat... but the gruesomeness just makes me want more. I thirst for fatalities~~~
  • runninglizard55 - February 25, 2009 3:52 a.m.

    wow the mortal kombat video was great makes me remember why my mom wouldn't get the game for me when i was in the third and forth grade
  • dougle - January 12, 2009 12:57 p.m.

    great artical
  • Remake - July 7, 2009 4:13 p.m.

    I had to stop the movie after 2 minutes of Mortal Kombat fatalities... that's too much brutal violence for my eyes.
  • dewfish - May 23, 2009 9 p.m.

    the enemy who starts off big and bad and slowly becomes laughable as the game wears on is mostly found in RPGs. Remeber the giant snake in the desert in FFVII? The first time you face him, tough as nails. You get to disc 3 or disc 4 and return to that desert, you can kill him with one hit.
  • MOOSE1234 - April 5, 2009 4:50 p.m.

    aww..last...so far...good article lol at plumber one
  • dougle - January 12, 2009 1 p.m.

    oops *article...lol what a noob

Showing 1-14 of 14 comments

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