2) Transformers: Dark of the Moon - Stealth Force Edition
Platforms: Wii / 3DS
Average Review Score: 32.5%
What the press release promised: “Obliterate enemies at blazing speeds with advanced weapons, defense systems and targeting capabilities as they slalom between cars and dodge fire in a highly maneuverable vehicle form.”
What the game actually delivered: The breathless excitement of that quote is trying to distract you from one crucial fact: the Transformers in this Transformers game can’t really transform. Into the robots you know and love and presumably paid $50 for, anyway. They do manage to switch from vehicles into vehicles with guns, but if that’s enough to satisfy you as a fan and as a player, then maybe you’ll somehow enjoy the clunky driving controls and mind-numbingly repetitive combat (“Defeat 12 Autobots… Defeat 12 more Autobots”) as well, so I should stop complaining. Just one more, then: why is the mode with all the weapons called Stealth Force again?
By the way, when I asked our intern to capture the video footage above, he was able to finish nearly half the missions in under an hour, making this at most a three-hour experience. Hey, at least the punishment is short.
The nicest thing anyone had to say: "One might argue that there is nowhere to go but up.” – Nintendojo
The most scathing review quote: "Optimus Prime is dead, and it's this game that killed him.” – Cheat Code Central
1) Duke Nukem: Critical Mass
Average Review Score: 29%
What the press release promised: “Join Duke on his one-man mission to obliterate the aliens, save the babes, and repopulate the planet: Don’t worry ladies, there’s plenty of Duke to go around!”
What the game actually delivered: You know Duke Nukem Forever, the game that kept us waiting for nearly 15 years, only so we could be 15 times as disappointed when it finally released and (sorta) sucked? The game so stuffed with lame jokes, dated references and questionable design choices that we felt compelled to write 1500 words about itsmost horrible moments?
Yeah, this one’s worse.
Duke Nukem Forever may be a subpar first-person shooter, but at least it’s a shooter – Duke Nukem: Critical Mass takes the hero all the way back to his unmemorable 2D side-scrolling shareware days and still somehow fails to improve on them. The graphics in Forever? Barely qualify as current generation, but the ugly polygons, fuzzy textures and practically nonexistent animation in Critical Mass aren’t even worthy of the early 1990s. Forever’s sleazy and desperate attempts at adult humor? At least they were attempted – Critical Mass is rated Teen, so Duke loses the one real thing that makes him an iconic hero. And if you thought Forever was unfairly difficult at times, wait until you try dodging your enemies’ bullets – which are invisible – in Critical Mass.
The nicest thing anyone had to say: "This is a forgettable game.” – Vandal Online
The most scathing review quote: "A low tech portable monstrosity that manages to make the worst of both the DS's abilities and the Duke's legacy.” – Metro GameCentral
What’s the worst game you’ve played in 2011 so far? Warn the rest of us in the comments below!
Jul 11, 2011
What will be this year's greatest game? Here's how the competition looks at halfway
We scrape to the very bottom of the barrel... and then keep on scraping
We lead a frivolous, dreamlike lifestyle – and here’s everything we hate about it!