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The Top 7... Worst games of 2010 (so far)

2) Dead or Alive: Paradise

Platforms: PSP
Average Review Score: 38.3%

What the press release promised: "The most beautiful 3D female characters ever seen in any PSP title. Snap candid photos of your giggling beauties in their beachwear which you can store in your very own private photo album. It’s all on-the-go, and all in the palm of your hand. Take your girls anywhere. Play with them any time."

What the game actually delivered: God, that is a creepy publicity quote, isn't it? None-too-subtle allusions to voyeurism, masturbation and sexual ownership (your girls) – all in a single sleazy paragraph! Honestly, though, we understand the demand for a title like Dead or Alive: Paradise. There's pornography in film, pornography in television, pornography in literature… why shouldn't there be pornography in games? If anything, an interactive medium like this makes more sense for adult entertainment. Japan's certainly on board the idea.

But "adult" and "interactive" are not adjectives that apply to Dead or Alive: Paradise. The girls don't appear remotely realistic – this is on the PSP, after all, and part of a franchise most famous for the invention of "independent boob physics." They also don't behave believably, unless you happen to know of some actual women who live on an island, frolicking in the sand and exchanging gifts with each other 24 hours a day. Even if you accept this nonsense as escapist fantasy, you won't get close enough to enjoy any of it. Like the earlier console versions, Dead or Alive: Paradise is a simplistic series of quarter-baked minigames of which volleyball is the most functional and snapping PG-rated photos is the most titillating.

So remind us… what was the point of this game, again?

The nicest thing anyone had to say: "May appear exciting to a sex-starved 16 year-old." – VideoGamer

The most scathing review quote: "You're actually an idiot if you can orgasm while playing this." – Destructoid


1) Attack of the Movies 3D

Platforms: 360 / Wii
Average Review Score: 38.1%

What the press release promised: "Throw on your 3-D glasses and grab your controller to face off against swarms of enemies in the first 3-D shooter for Xbox 360. All in glorious 3-D! Attack of the Movies 3-D is the first 3-D shooter for Xbox 360. Four pairs of 3-D glasses let the whole family enjoy the action. The creatures and backgrounds come to life in all their glory, providing amazing dimensionality previously found only in movie theaters. 3-D glasses included in the box!"

What the game actually delivered: Well, it is in 3D… Not the cool 21st century Avatar way, mind you, but the corny 1950s cereal box method, with red-and-blue cellophane lenses stapled to flimsy white paper frames. Which means there's no immersive depth, only gimmicky pop-outs, and no "wow!" factor, only "ow!" migraines. Cut the creators some slack, though – how do you expect them to cynically cash in on the latest technology craze if they have to waste money on equipment and effects that actually, you know, work?

Maybe the motive was more innocent. Maybe 3D was chosen merely to explain or excuse the game's last-last-gen graphics, which are unacceptable even by Wii standards and unforgivable on an Xbox 360. Here, for example, is Attack of the Movies 3D's failed attempt at putting the player in the middle of a science fiction film:

Here's a monster movie:

Here's an Indiana Jones-style adventure flick:

And here's some sort of fish-like object:

Notice all those indicators, desperately pleading with your friends to "Press A to join"? Yeah, that's never going to happen. And if it somehow does, they won't remain your friends for much longer. And if you bought Attack of the Movies 3D in the first place, you probably deserve your loneliness.

The nicest thing anyone had to say: "Stuff pops up, the player shoots it." – Cheat Code Central

The most scathing review quote: "Its sole purpose is to trick unknowing gamers into paying $30 for this atrocity just because it has '3-D' on the box." - Gamervision

Jul 19, 2010

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62 comments

  • gatornation1254 - July 22, 2010 10:02 p.m.

    Yeah I also have no idea what happened to DoA.
  • PanzerDSS - July 21, 2010 9:29 p.m.

    Attack at the movies looks like a crappy Dreamcast game.
  • DagDabreemie - July 21, 2010 9:22 p.m.

    @thedonut - yeah I'm wondering if it is patched and fixed now to enjoy? Looks like it could('ve) be(en) thrilling 'Stay Alive' clone.
  • thedonut - July 21, 2010 1:36 p.m.

    It's too bad that "I'm Not Alone" actually looks really good
  • catherinehallows - July 21, 2010 10:25 a.m.

    I Like Naughty Bear though!
  • Smeggs - July 21, 2010 3:21 a.m.

    "Dimensionality"? Is that even a word?
  • Lilikka - July 21, 2010 1:02 a.m.

    As I said in my review of Attack of the Movies 3D (http://www.gamerswithcasts.com/review-attack-of-the-movies-3d-360/), if this is “the first-ever 3D shooter for the Xbox 360,” hopefully it will be the last. It gave me a terrible headache playing in 3D and it was just awful.
  • Zeb364 - July 20, 2010 10:07 p.m.

    Naughty Bear could have been great but despite there being a decent number of people who like it despite it's obvious flaws, it unfourtunately turned into a fairly crappy game. The rest of these however were clearly going to be shit from the get go. Crappy liscence tie-in's, DOA (a series that shouldn't exist), and a retarded "3D" game that if you were dumb enough to buy you deserve to lose your money.
  • GameManiac - July 20, 2010 6:11 p.m.

    No wonder the 3DS is glasses free. Speaking of those red/blue glasses... I remember wearing those glasses years ago for so long that I was unable to see white. I was seeing red or blue in different eyes for about two hours. I thought little of it back then but now I ealize how crappy those glasses were. I'm almost afraid to know what crap the second half of the year has to drop on us.
  • GamesRadarCharlieBarratt - July 20, 2010 5:10 p.m.

    @FauxFurry Sorry to disillusion you, but many writers did give in to the temptation of clichéd bear puns when reviewing Naughty Bear. During my research, I saw "Unbearable" as a headline at least twice.
  • Nodoudt - July 20, 2010 5:03 p.m.

    I look at DoA as it is now and worry about Metroid.
  • WickedSid - July 20, 2010 1:16 p.m.

    Attention Commenters, Testicles. That is All.
  • shyfonzie - July 20, 2010 12:05 p.m.

    I want to personify Attack of the Movies 3d, then punch it in the face.
  • philipshaw - July 20, 2010 10:16 a.m.

    I thought Naughty Bear would win it but I didn't know about attack of the movies 3D, that does look awful
  • SwampRock - July 20, 2010 9:56 a.m.

    DoA, what happened to you? I remember when I played with your women so they could inflict bodily harm upon each other, now THATS what I call sexy.
  • AuthorityFigure - July 20, 2010 8:33 a.m.

    Will DoA appeal to sex-starved 30 year olds? Just asking...
  • FauxFurry - July 20, 2010 7:52 a.m.

    At the very least,we can be grateful that no reviewer saw fit to stir up a storm of cliche bear puns when putting down (and never picking back up) Naughty Bear. It has that going for it. As for the downwards spin-off spiral that the Dead or Alive series is on,this is all the more reason for folks to quit beating around the bush when it comes to women's bodies in M-rated games. A similar spin-off with the guys of DOA wouldn't work because there's literally nothing of a man's body that hasn't been seen yet in a game.(Then again,a bunch of shy men in bikinis might have some appeal yet! Look at how well cross dressing worked out for Guilty Gear's Bridget!) That and women gamers by and large thusfar would rather play the game at hand rather than with themselves. There are other electronic devices better suited to that end than a videogame.
  • CatrParrot - July 20, 2010 7:14 a.m.

    I really, REALLY wanted Naughty Bear to be good. I wasn't expecting it to receive universal acclaim, but at least get some decent reviews and not end up being one of the year's worst games. :(
  • TheWebSwinger - July 20, 2010 6:02 a.m.

    Charlie looks like Tony Stark. That is all.
  • Cwf2008 - July 20, 2010 3:05 a.m.

    I suppose the crappiness for that soccer game should have been evident in the description...Nothing is exciting about soccer!

Showing 1-20 of 62 comments

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