The Top 7... Upcoming games that don't need multiplayer

If Call of Duty jumped off a bridge, would you do that too?

Do we need to say it again? With its brilliant pacing, incredible atmosphere, and a setting unlike anything we’ve ever seen, BioShock was one of the strongest narratives this little medium o’ ours ever unspooled. Obviously, the announcement that 2K Games would be going ahead with a sequel without creator, Ken Levine, at the helm was definitely cause for concern. Those in the know reassure us that the game is shaping up quite nicely, truly a worthy successor to the original which raised the bar for the way we experience games.

But let there be no doubt: BioShock 2’s multiplayer is the Star Wars Christmas Special.

Above: Not even Lumpy is excited about BioShock 2’s multiplayer

Much like that what happened to that little film from 1977, without the restraint of someone with creative vision, executives have corrupted a phenomenon they didn’t understand by cashing in on a fading trend. Did anybody, ANYBODY, really want to experience death matches in a dark, drab tomb, within a game where the most iconic weapons are, arguably, a wrench and a fistful of bees?!

Of course you didn’t. The Suits know full well that no one who played the original was demanding multiplayer, but its inclusion can only provide those who didn’t with another incentive to buy. So, we’re setting aside our belief that any amount of resources invested in useless multiplayer could’ve been better spent improving the single-player, and that simply renaming tired modes like deathmatch and capture the flag has thankfully fallen out of fashion due to widespread adoption of online co-op.

Above: Somewhere in between “disrespectful” and “embarrassing”

And they’re bragging about it! The Little Sister in BioShock 1: simultaneously, the living reminder of Rapture’s downfall, as well as a powerful embodiment of the player’s moral choice between that of a savior and that of a conqueror. Guess what, now she’s a f***ing football:

Luckily, we don’t demerit games for superfluous multiplayer. Otherwise, BioShock 2’s new characters are intriguing, playing as a Big Daddy is awesome, and both the story and setting remain as compelling as ever. But we refuse to let anyone forget about the useless inclusion of multiplayer, since that’s inevitably what will happen the moment the game comes out.

Feb 1, 2010

Eight games that take the "multiplay" out of "multiplayer." That just leaves "er"

Fresh cheese for achievement whores looking for new tricks

Like a necrophilia joke at a funeral, these games are cursed by poor targeting and worse timing

We recommend