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The Top 7... things gamers love to hate

5. DLC

All of it’s a massive swindle. It doesn’t matter how it’s priced, how close to the original game it’s released or what if offers; every bit of DLC is a big, fat con. In only semi twisted gamer logic, every bit of additional post-release content should be free and given to us with a huge, pink bow around it. From Oblivion’s Horse Armour, Modern Warfare 2’s Stimulus Package, to Resi 5’s Versus Mode; it’s all been designed to prize valued pennies from gamers’ malnourished wallets.


Above: Won't someone think of the penny-pinchers?!

How dare that game developer try to charge for something they and its team may have been working on for months. It should have been included in the main game. Screw the fact they’re not forcing anyone to actually buy this content. All DLC represents an affront to every gamer who’s ever coughed up 50 big ones for a title, only to find they’ll have to spend an extra two notes to get a shiny new pair of undercrackers for their favourite character. Man, what a scam. What do they think this is? Some sort of market based on supply and demand?


Above: The man knows a hell of a deal when he sees one


4. Movie tie-ins

If there’s one insurmountable truth in video games, it’s that Goldeneye is the only decent movie tie-in ever. But what abou… shut up! Don’t force us to put our finger in our ears and loudly hum the music from the opening dam level. All gamers know any titles with even the most miniscule whiff of movie about them automatically suck the big one. Games and films shouldn’t mix. Any gamer will tell you they’re like two unmixable… eh, things. Like oil and water or some shit.


Above: Chimp knows the score. Everything other than Goldeneye blows

No gamer wants them to be good anyway. Our media has always been viewed as the dim-witted second cousin to cinema, that’s forced to live in the attic and eat fish heads. We don’t need their pity. Movies suck anyway. Fixed camera angles, the fact we can’t skip the cutscenes or earn achievements for watching them; games are better off pretending they don’t exist.


Above: Where, indeed


3. Non-gamers

Morons the lot of them. What the hell do they know? All they do is stick their beaks into our game-related business, where it sure as hell doesn’t belong. Hardcore gamers don’t want to listen to their significant others tell them how their day was. For Gordon Freeman’s sake! Can’t you see we’ve got a bloody whiny RPG character to level up? Worse, when they try and encroach on our fun by joining in, they never know the shitting buttons, meaning we have to explain it to them while a bunch of terrorists are shooting our soldier’s spleen to pieces.


Above: When will our significant others' learn? We don't give a fish's tit

Honestly, you’d think they were harmlessly trying to bond with us and show a genuine interest in what’s clearly a beloved passion. What a bunch of dicks. Hard-working gamers shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of nonsense. If it was up to us, every non gamer would be slapped with a 14 mile restraining order, keeping them away from every game and console in history at all times. The punishment for breach of this reasonable request? Instant death by 600 tarantula bites. It’s only fair after they caused us to bugger up that jump.


Above: Just punishment

Topics

Top 7

83 comments

  • allthegoodnameswheretaken - March 22, 2010 4:50 p.m.

    This will translate nicely to audio =)
  • chrisat928 - March 22, 2010 4:51 p.m.

    YAY!!! Week of Hate is back! Uwe Boll sucks ass.
  • Ensoul - March 22, 2010 4:54 p.m.

    That screen grab doesn't look like the N64 Goldeneye?! WTF?! Make a reference to a game and not even use the appropriate screen grab?! Hate it when so called "professional" game sites pull this sh*t. (Seriously though why does GE look so good there?)
  • miltch - March 22, 2010 4:54 p.m.

    Nice work all.But it leaves me with one question,is there really a game called Big Boobed Extreme Sports Racer?
  • dtzulu - March 22, 2010 4:57 p.m.

    GoldenEye STILL rocks!!
  • CatrParrot - March 22, 2010 5:01 p.m.

    I assumed that non-gamers would've been number one on the list. Still, it's great to see that the Week of Hate is back!
  • CH3BURASHKA - March 22, 2010 5:34 p.m.

    Ah, yes, Week o' Hate is back. It's been too long.
  • goochbiscuit - March 22, 2010 5:35 p.m.

    Whoa, whoa... Where'd that Goldeneye pick come from? The game never looked THAT good, so is there some type of remake happening like Perfect Dark that I don't know about?
  • Yaro - March 22, 2010 5:37 p.m.

    My kind of article. Had some laughs. What is kinda sad, is the fact that there NEEDS to be a sarcasm warning, and as if that wasn't enough lotta people won't get it anyway. Do not let that EVER discourage you guys from writing this stuff. This is exactly what makes you the best site on the 'netz. But I'm sure you know that very well. Thanks! recaptcha: The fascismo
  • Unoriginal - March 22, 2010 6 p.m.

    I f***ing hate the article. It is obviously biased toward Sony. Also, 3 PAGES!? Get a life GR.
  • J0NO99 - March 22, 2010 6:07 p.m.

    Unoriginal! You did it! You're in the perfect spirit for the Week of Hate! Psssh. Another hilarious piece by you guys in the UK. BTW, in the Motion Control picture.....is Mr. "I'll kill you all!" holding an N64 controller? Man that definitely brings back memories.
  • gamingfreak - March 22, 2010 6:09 p.m.

    Woot-woot! Week of Hate is back!
  • Ru89 - March 22, 2010 6:27 p.m.

    The week you love to hate is back! I love it!
  • Corsair89 - March 22, 2010 7:01 p.m.

    Yes! Week of Hate is back!
  • Amnesiac - March 22, 2010 7:02 p.m.

    I add my voice to those cheering for a new Week of Hate. Haters gonna hate, baby.
  • RebornKusabi - March 22, 2010 7:08 p.m.

    My Kayako Saeki pic agrees, give me MORE!!!
  • Vitoruss1 - March 22, 2010 7:23 p.m.

    Grammar Nazi Strike: You spelled "their" wrong in the subsection of 'non-gamers'. That pic from Goldeneye looked beautiful... brought a tear to my eye. Was that the Half-Life Goldeneye Mod or is it a work-in-progress? WE ALL NEED MORE GOLDENEYE.
  • CaptainSpatula - March 22, 2010 7:24 p.m.

    um, King Kong was a good movie tie in.
  • KnightDehumidifier - March 22, 2010 7:26 p.m.

    Here is a number of other things gamers love to hate: Politics, religion, social lives based around person-to-person interaction, sanitation, health, politeness, engaging conversations beyond fictional happenstances, relationships that interrupt their lives, children, elderly, paying for rent or taxes (just kidding, all gamers live with their parents), charity, thinking about others, and life.
  • michaelmcc827 - March 22, 2010 7:37 p.m.

    WEEK OF HATE YEEAAAAHH

Showing 1-20 of 83 comments

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