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The Top 7... things gamers love to hate

5. DLC

All of it’s a massive swindle. It doesn’t matter how it’s priced, how close to the original game it’s released or what if offers; every bit of DLC is a big, fat con. In only semi twisted gamer logic, every bit of additional post-release content should be free and given to us with a huge, pink bow around it. From Oblivion’s Horse Armour, Modern Warfare 2’s Stimulus Package, to Resi 5’s Versus Mode; it’s all been designed to prize valued pennies from gamers’ malnourished wallets.


Above: Won't someone think of the penny-pinchers?!

How dare that game developer try to charge for something they and its team may have been working on for months. It should have been included in the main game. Screw the fact they’re not forcing anyone to actually buy this content. All DLC represents an affront to every gamer who’s ever coughed up 50 big ones for a title, only to find they’ll have to spend an extra two notes to get a shiny new pair of undercrackers for their favourite character. Man, what a scam. What do they think this is? Some sort of market based on supply and demand?


Above: The man knows a hell of a deal when he sees one


4. Movie tie-ins

If there’s one insurmountable truth in video games, it’s that Goldeneye is the only decent movie tie-in ever. But what abou… shut up! Don’t force us to put our finger in our ears and loudly hum the music from the opening dam level. All gamers know any titles with even the most miniscule whiff of movie about them automatically suck the big one. Games and films shouldn’t mix. Any gamer will tell you they’re like two unmixable… eh, things. Like oil and water or some shit.


Above: Chimp knows the score. Everything other than Goldeneye blows

No gamer wants them to be good anyway. Our media has always been viewed as the dim-witted second cousin to cinema, that’s forced to live in the attic and eat fish heads. We don’t need their pity. Movies suck anyway. Fixed camera angles, the fact we can’t skip the cutscenes or earn achievements for watching them; games are better off pretending they don’t exist.


Above: Where, indeed


3. Non-gamers

Morons the lot of them. What the hell do they know? All they do is stick their beaks into our game-related business, where it sure as hell doesn’t belong. Hardcore gamers don’t want to listen to their significant others tell them how their day was. For Gordon Freeman’s sake! Can’t you see we’ve got a bloody whiny RPG character to level up? Worse, when they try and encroach on our fun by joining in, they never know the shitting buttons, meaning we have to explain it to them while a bunch of terrorists are shooting our soldier’s spleen to pieces.


Above: When will our significant others' learn? We don't give a fish's tit

Honestly, you’d think they were harmlessly trying to bond with us and show a genuine interest in what’s clearly a beloved passion. What a bunch of dicks. Hard-working gamers shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of nonsense. If it was up to us, every non gamer would be slapped with a 14 mile restraining order, keeping them away from every game and console in history at all times. The punishment for breach of this reasonable request? Instant death by 600 tarantula bites. It’s only fair after they caused us to bugger up that jump.


Above: Just punishment

Topics

Top 7

83 comments

  • Strangleme - March 29, 2010 3:22 a.m.

    Amazing Top 7!!! Fuck non gamers!!!
  • DriveShaft - March 28, 2010 8:21 p.m.

    Weyland-Yutani, I was just watching Alien O.o
  • AVenGer777 - March 27, 2010 12:56 a.m.

    yea xbox suck's and GamesRadar is the best
  • AVenGer777 - March 27, 2010 12:55 a.m.

    yea xbox suck's and GamesRadar is the best
  • Alain - March 26, 2010 1:51 p.m.

    I agree with number 5 and im pretty sure alout of ous do.
  • Strangleme - March 26, 2010 10:37 a.m.

    I can't wait to hear them discuss this on Talkradar.
  • SailorCallie - March 25, 2010 10:35 p.m.

    I have one word to describe Uwe Boil: DUMBKOFF!!!!
  • FinderKeeper - March 24, 2010 3:20 a.m.

    The article mentioned Okami, but not God Hand. So, I hate it. I might even waterboard it. Or take it hunting and shoot it in the face. Viva (Week of) Hate!
  • thephntm - March 24, 2010 1:25 a.m.

    It depends on the game the motion control is in. Zack and Wiki was phenomenal, and it was mostly motion control. I agree about the casual game thing, though. That and flying war games. But my #1 gamer hate has to be when non-gamers think they know what they're talking about. My cousin almost bought Tony Hawk: RIDE, but then I told him it blows, and he still almost bought it anyway.
  • Tochy - March 23, 2010 11:41 p.m.

    wheres mw2
  • Metroidhunter32 - March 23, 2010 10:34 p.m.

    Just to piss you off, the movie game Sky Crawlers Innocent Aces got a 9 from YOU. So I'd say that was a good movie tie in, even if the connection to the movie is token, and outisde of Japan, it's an obscure movie.
  • GodofPS314 - March 23, 2010 10:11 p.m.

    Uwe Boll's next movie... Wii Sports: The Tournament. LOL. Oh btw a bit hypocrite? We all know IW paid you for the 10 on MW2.
  • JamesTQuest - March 23, 2010 8:25 p.m.

    Now THIS is an article I can get behind. Well played.
  • fattoler - March 23, 2010 7:47 p.m.

    Uwe Boll is the enemy, Uwe Boll was always the enemy.
  • d0x - March 23, 2010 7:22 p.m.

    While its true Goldeneye was probably the 1st good tie in game there is another... Both the original and remake of The Chronicles of Riddick are amazing!
  • Nocturne989 - March 23, 2010 7:09 p.m.

    WEEK OF HATE!!! nuff said
  • ScorpioMaurus - March 23, 2010 4:19 p.m.

    I gotta say my top things would have to be non-gamers because they constantly talk to you while you're focusing (or trying too for god's sake) And trying to explain something in the game is like trying to sink a helium balloon under water. But my number one hated thing is EA games because they take some of the greatest games and ruin them by giving us a faulty product and then no proper customer support. I bought Dragon age when it was new only to find out about the serious memory leak issue with certain Quads. Now here I am almost 5 months later updated with all the patches they released and still no fix I have to shut it down about every hour or so so get decent performance. I hate game companies in general who release faulty games riddled with bugs. How could a company like EA arguably one of the biggest in the world not have tested that game on an AMD Quad? Seriously? It's interesting that companies like Capcom can put out games so flawless that they never need to be patched but a much bigger company like EA can't be bothered to make certain the customers get a $60 product they can use. Our family experienced that with Sims 2 as well the expansion FreeTime had some minor glitches that when "fixed" made the game unable to load and it had a grand total of 3 patches before it started working, Sad. And since it's release in Sept of 2005 Sims 2 Nightlife EP still has a huge error where Vampire's fangs glow blue and float over their heads. In order to fix it you need to download a CC from Cyjon. Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't that the company's responsibility?
  • PhantomDave - March 23, 2010 3:59 p.m.

    I believe....in all honesty...that Uwe Boll is a casual non-gamer. LOL
  • rxb - March 23, 2010 1:43 p.m.

    The Postal movie is kinda funny. Rip off DLC isnt.
  • swishpronoob - March 23, 2010 1:26 p.m.

    I actually thought one of his movies was ok, a movie called Tunnel Rats. It might still be on netflix instant watch for those curious.

Showing 1-20 of 83 comments

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