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The Top 7... stupid plans for world conquest

5. Final Fantasy VIII

Ultimecia’s time compression conspiracy

The plan: Ultimecia was a powerful and corrupt sorceress from the future, manipulating events in the present in order to compress all of time into a single moment. This would lead to her absolute dominion over everything, extinguishing as it would, all life but hers. In fact, it would wipe out all existence but her.

The problem: Dominion over everything sounds kind of cool, but the sheen comes off when you consider that “everything” actually translates to “nothing”. And even if Ultimecia was planning on the pulling the old “I will rebuild my own universe” crap, wouldn’t wiping out existence logically mean wiping out whatever universal forces sustained her own magic, rendering the rebuilding of anything impossible?

Altogether now:

“Wonewy… I’m so wonewyyy…”


4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:
Turtles in Time

Shredder’s temporary temporal vortex

The plan: Given that years of personal confrontations, inter-dimenional weaponry and ninja armies have failed to defeat the Turtles, Shredder throws them through a time portal to be rid of them once and for all, allowing he and Krang to steal the Statue of Liberty in peace.

The problem: We assume that Shredder got his time portal cheap from some Chinese guy on eBay. Not only was it unstable, it actually managed to bring the Turtles back towards the present day roughly every five minutes (co-incidentally just after beating each time zone’s boss).

We’ll say that the temporal energy displacement caused by each battle initiated some sort of Star Trek-style space-time McGuffination, rather than take the lazy angle and cite “VIDEO GAME LOGIC!”, but either way, shoddy work, Saki-san.

And on another note, what the hell is the point of stealing the Statue of Liberty? It provides no useful technology, you can’t exactly sell it inconspicuously, and if the police want to find it they just need to look for the huge metal woman looming 93 metres over the horizon.

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Top 7

42 comments

  • marcio-campos - February 23, 2013 7:12 a.m.

    I keep Laughing and laughing.
  • DreamWeaverPL - October 30, 2010 7:40 p.m.

    Enclave WANTED to KILL all the MUTANTS in Fallout. What's stupid about it? It's like saying that the third reich's plan to eradicate Jews and other ethnicities was stupid. It's just an agenda that exceeds utilitarianism or even common sense and simple gain. It's not stupid, it's realistic, scary and lifelike. Sometimes I think all of you GamesRadar editors should go back to school. >.>
  • cronomonkey - July 31, 2010 7:46 a.m.

    yea 'cause as long as everyone is patriotically crispy and dead, its perfectly fine
  • INFINITYGAUNTLET - July 28, 2010 7:43 p.m.

    "Thanks to MW2’s pioneeringly incomprehensible writing" Thank you.
  • FanofSaiyan - January 31, 2010 6:11 p.m.

    SF4's main baddie kinda looks like Dr. Manhattan... in a body glow sort of way... and they both don't wear pants. lolz
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  • speno93 - January 16, 2010 10:14 a.m.

    loved the Gears pic of Marcus in a raft. Boy there are some stupidly stupid villians out there, and the whole idea of universal conquest is a bit daft in the first place. You rule the world, now what? , spend your time heaping through massive piles of paperwork that always comes with a government job whilst at least two full scale rebellions threaten to toast your arse. Stick to being a mad scientist/crinimal/sorceress/whatever
  • Gremlin187 - January 14, 2010 10:09 a.m.

    Yea what Defguru7777 said it was a momment of kill or die or theres a song by six feet under i'll put it in as this a momment of death or glory
  • SausageLozenge - January 13, 2010 10:16 p.m.

    They must have been watching reruns of Pinky and the Brain.
  • GameManiac - January 12, 2010 11:57 p.m.

    Are there any TRUE evil geniuses in video games???
  • DriveShaft - January 12, 2010 8:38 p.m.

    You made Fallout's sound so stupid but I still love it x]
  • rxb - January 12, 2010 1:26 p.m.

    Kung Nuke made me laugh, so did the wombles reference.
  • GR_DavidHoughton - January 12, 2010 11:04 a.m.

    LordsOfTechno: I was singing it in my head when I wrote it. Glad you picked up on it. :)
  • Illumini - January 12, 2010 7:07 a.m.

    I KNEW that Modern Warfare 2 would get top billing here. That plot was fucking ridiculous.
  • mentalityljs - January 12, 2010 4:44 a.m.

    Maybe this is why Sonic can't catch a break, cuz the devs are now trying to make sense?
  • PescadoPlus - January 12, 2010 4:07 a.m.

    It seems none of you have witnessed Seth's limitless power.
  • Doctalen - January 12, 2010 3:50 a.m.

    I never did understand that plot twist in modern warfare two. The guy decides to let the Russians invade America just to ge the 30k he lost in a nuke that happen five years before? Seriously if he isn't killed in duty then the idea would fail horribly especially since presumably many many civilians were hit from the bombs raids, troop landing, disease and lack of supplies that would have followed an invasion on those scales.
  • Ninja-KiLLR - January 12, 2010 2:44 a.m.

    yeah i never pick up on that in fallout 3 like other people on here.
  • SonicX_89 - January 12, 2010 2:06 a.m.

    Kung nuke. Brilliant really.
  • Defguru7777 - January 12, 2010 1:56 a.m.

    I kinda agree with matt588. Did Shepard really want world domination? I think he just wanted America to be powerful again after Al-Asad's nuke went off. I still don't get why he betrayed Task Force 141. And it never says in the game (unless I'm missing something) that he's working with Makarov. ReCaptcha: abstains Moscow Makarov would be proud.

Showing 1-20 of 42 comments

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