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The Top 7... sexy text adventures

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Plundered Hearts
(1987)

The science fiction game didn’t result in any sexiness. Neither did the political thriller or the murder mystery. Perhaps a pirate game, then? The lust for treasure. The hot, humid days adrift at sea. The skimpy wench outfits. The male-dominated society. The monkeys and parrots. Yes, a pirate game sounds very promising, indeed… especially after doing a Google image search for the term “pirate women.”

Okay, that’s gotta be accurate – look at the skulls and crossbones! Did we mention that Plundered Hearts is classified as a “romance” and was written by someone named Amy Briggs? With her first-hand insight into the inner workings of the female mind, we are almost guaranteed a steamy adventure.

Damn you, women who write about sexy men instead of other sexy women! Damn you for following your own desires instead of ours! Don’t you know what industry you’re working in? Argggh.


Leather Goddesses of Phobos
(1986)

To be honest, here is probably where you should have started reading this feature. Here is where we finally see the true text adventure version of “sexy.” Here is a game in which the creator is actually trying to arouse and titillate his audience. And here is where you really begin feeling sorry for those of us who had to play through these days.

First, the “tame” version of the game. That’s right - Leather Goddesses of Phobos was so serious about being sexy that it shipped with three varying levels of naughtiness.

While the writings of Jules Verne are pretty hot, that wasn’t quite what the gamer of 1986 had in mind. Fortunately, all you had to do to enter the suggestive mode was type “suggestive” and hit the return key.

Hmm. This still isn’t living up to the title of the game, or to the game’s introductory warning that “this story is unsuitable for censors, members of the Moral Majority, and anyone else who thinks that sex is dirty rather than fun.”

Yeah! You tell those– ... oh, you’re not done? “By now, all the folks who might be offended by LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS have whipped their disk out of their drive and, evidence in hand, are indignantly huffing toward their dealer, their lawyer, or their favorite repression-oriented politico.”

Holy crap, this game means business. Let’s not waste any more time and enter the “lewd” mode, shall we?

That burning sensation you are currently experiencing is called shame. Shame mixed with embarrassment, garnished with regret. You feel as if you’ve accidentally stumbled upon some stranger’s personal diary, or worse, his secret fan fiction. Before you judge, however, realize that the mindset behind the above passage is the same as the one behind Lara Croft’s hormone-driven measurements. The black-and-white text is just more straightforward.

At least things got respectable for the sequel:


Softporn Adventure
(1981)

You may have heard of this particular text adventure. You may have seen the infamous box art and marketing material, which features future King’s Quest creator Roberta Williams sitting nude in a hot tub. Her companions are a Sierra On-Line shipping clerk, the wife of another game designer and an actual waiter.

You may have even played Softporn Adventure, albeit in a later, more popular iteration. The game’s story, puzzles, characters and overall tone were translated by Al Lowe into the graphical adventure, Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards.

Now, only 1,500 words into this ridiculous feature, you get to experience the X-rated original, the game most likely to be hidden from parents, spouses and bosses in the prehistoric days of 1981. Think you can handle the retro maturity? Sure you actually want to?

So, um, there you go. Softporn Adventure wasn’t all about sex and typos, though. The game also understood the intricacies of love… the slow and delicate dance of courtship between man and woman.


Above: Just like real life


Dr. Otto Breeser’s Porno Adventure,
Version 3.4

We don’t know anything about this game. We don’t know what year it was released. We don’t know what platforms it was on. We don’t know if it was sold in retail stores, or passed along in secrecy by horny adolescents. We’re not entirely convinced that the author, Dr. Otto, is a real name or even a real person; the included photo is simply how we like to imagine him. In fact, the one and only reason we know of this game’s existence is because a single GamesRadar editor – not the author of this article, mind you – found the file on an old storage device from his childhood. He claims to not recollect its origins.

If we have no real information to share, then why do we include? Because Dr. Otto Breeser’s Porno Adventure, Version 3.4 – apparently an interactive choose-your-own-sexual-adventure and not a true game – enabled us to do the following:

The cost of our dignity? Priceless.

The thought of Chris Antista, host of our TalkRadar podcast, being photoshopped by forum users into plaid skirts, knee socks and tree chains for all of eternity? More priceless.

Aug 10, 2009


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45 comments

  • christinahelton - September 17, 2009 3:19 p.m.

    I played all of the Zork games, Planetfall, Hitchhiker's, and Leather Goddess of Phobos when I was a kid. The funniest thing about the latter one was it came with a "scratch and sniff" card. The only one I remember though was the one where you smelled rotten pizza in a bathroom.
  • TheWebSwinger - August 18, 2009 1:22 a.m.

    Ahhh the article Charlie was born to write. And the role Chris was born to play.
  • RamenDragon - August 16, 2009 1:44 a.m.

    Wow, this article actually inspired me to write a song about text adventure games. Congratulations, Bearhat.
  • BrushieTundra - August 14, 2009 5:18 a.m.

    OMG I played Witness on my TI-99 4A. It was a damn fun game. FYI- Had to load it onto my computer by cassette tape.
  • BigBossOSE - August 11, 2009 4:51 p.m.

    @Cyberninja good to know that getting first comment was worth posting before you actually read the entire article, dickhead. As for not imagining games with just words, it sounds like you haven't been into games nearly long enough to appreciate this site.
  • STR33TFiR3 - August 11, 2009 3:22 p.m.

    I played
  • crumbdunky - August 11, 2009 7:58 a.m.

    Full text games were just a product of their time that, sadly, offered a little less the mystery adventure books of the same time. After all you could take a book into the bath/bog but not your ZX81/Speccy/C64.
  • CountFenring - August 11, 2009 6:03 a.m.

    haha... I had a very shitty day. Thanks Charlie, you made it a little better. Thanks.
  • dahsif - August 11, 2009 4:32 a.m.

    HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA @ the last part. HAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA The mystery surrounding that masterpiece is killing me. Tight red dress; black nylon stockings, chained to a tree...MMMMMMMM
  • Mittenz - August 11, 2009 3:44 a.m.

    :You enter the room and see Chris Antista sprawled on the bed in a tight red dress :As you aproach, you detect the scent of pizza in the air WHAT DO YOU DO: 1.discuss games as an artform 2.tell Chris how much you love talkradar 3.unbuckle belt 2."OMG CHRIS YOUR AMAZING" I WANTS
  • Ninja-KiLLR - August 11, 2009 12:01 a.m.

    now that last one. there is something to think about. lol
  • 435 - August 10, 2009 11:46 p.m.

    As someone who regularly engages in text-only games online... LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWL
  • GamesRadarMikelReparaz - August 10, 2009 10:26 p.m.

    Holy shit, FlyinMX just wrote our next podcast. (Maybe.)
  • FlyinMX - August 10, 2009 9:42 p.m.

    You guys should do a playthrough of doctor Otto with Chris making all the decisions. I would laugh my ass off at that!
  • manaconda - August 10, 2009 9:07 p.m.

    charlie that was hilarious, instant classic. cant wait to hear more about it on the podcast.
  • Hinro - August 12, 2009 9:24 p.m.

    I actually played a text based game. They aren't as bad as people think they are. If you use your imagination then they're fine. Of course, if I had the choice between a modern game and a text one I would most likely pick the modern one because you know exactly what you are seeing. However, the stories of the old games were far better and more discriptive which, to me, means it's a better game
  • ELpork - August 11, 2009 7:36 p.m.

    Wow.... that last one was.... umm... hmm..
  • adadadad - August 11, 2009 7:03 p.m.

    FIRST! GD GD ARTEILCLE. MAY THINK SEXY TIM COMES WITH A FEW LETTERS (ALPHA NUMERIC) "XBOX 360" MAKE MAY SWOON. /WIN. RESPECT TO XBOX BROOTHERS.
  • MechGyver - August 11, 2009 3:44 p.m.

    Arrrgh!ME likes what me sees boyos! Keep jackin!
  • STR33TFiR3 - August 11, 2009 3:24 p.m.

    I played Amnesia - a good text adventure which was the first appearance of New York city in a game. And I loved it.

Showing 1-20 of 45 comments

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