The Top 7... sexy text adventures

Before graphics, all we had were words... and our incredibly desperate imaginations

The science fiction game didn’t result in any sexiness. Neither did the political thriller or the murder mystery. Perhaps a pirate game, then? The lust for treasure. The hot, humid days adrift at sea. The skimpy wench outfits. The male-dominated society. The monkeys and parrots. Yes, a pirate game sounds very promising, indeed… especially after doing a Google image search for the term “pirate women.”

Okay, that’s gotta be accurate – look at the skulls and crossbones! Did we mention that Plundered Hearts is classified as a “romance” and was written by someone named Amy Briggs? With her first-hand insight into the inner workings of the female mind, we are almost guaranteed a steamy adventure.

Damn you, women who write about sexy men instead of other sexy women! Damn you for following your own desires instead of ours! Don’t you know what industry you’re working in? Argggh.


Leather Goddesses of Phobos (1986)

To be honest, here is probably where you should have started reading this feature. Here is where we finally see the true text adventure version of “sexy.” Here is a game in which the creator is actually trying to arouse and titillate his audience. And here is where you really begin feeling sorry for those of us who had to play through these days.

First, the “tame” version of the game. That’s right - Leather Goddesses of Phobos was so serious about being sexy that it shipped with three varying levels of naughtiness.

While the writings of Jules Verne are pretty hot, that wasn’t quite what the gamer of 1986 had in mind. Fortunately, all you had to do to enter the suggestive mode was type “suggestive” and hit the return key.

Hmm. This still isn’t living up to the title of the game, or to the game’s introductory warning that “this story is unsuitable for censors, members of the Moral Majority, and anyone else who thinks that sex is dirty rather than fun.”

Yeah! You tell those– ... oh, you’re not done? “By now, all the folks who might be offended by LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS have whipped their disk out of their drive and, evidence in hand, are indignantly huffing toward their dealer, their lawyer, or their favorite repression-oriented politico.”

Holy crap, this game means business. Let’s not waste any more time and enter the “lewd” mode, shall we?

That burning sensation you are currently experiencing is called shame. Shame mixed with embarrassment, garnished with regret. You feel as if you’ve accidentally stumbled upon some stranger’s personal diary, or worse, his secret fan fiction. Before you judge, however, realize that the mindset behind the above passage is the same as the one behind Lara Croft’s hormone-driven measurements. The black-and-white text is just more straightforward.

At least things got respectable for the sequel:

Softporn Adventure (1981)

You may have heard of this particular text adventure. You may have seen the infamous box art and marketing material, which features future King’s Quest creator Roberta Williams sitting nude in a hot tub. Her companions are a Sierra On-Line shipping clerk, the wife of another game designer and an actual waiter.

You may have even played Softporn Adventure, albeit in a later, more popular iteration. The game’s story, puzzles, characters and overall tone were translated by Al Lowe into the graphical adventure, Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards.

Now, only 1,500 words into this ridiculous feature, you get to experience the X-rated original, the game most likely to be hidden from parents, spouses and bosses in the prehistoric days of 1981. Think you can handle the retro maturity? Sure you actually want to?

So, um, there you go. Softporn Adventure wasn’t all about sex and typos, though. The game also understood the intricacies of love… the slow and delicate dance of courtship between man and woman.


Above: Just like real life


Dr. Otto Breeser%26rsquo;s Porno Adventure, Version 3.4

We don’t know anything about this game. We don’t know what year it was released. We don’t know what platforms it was on. We don’t know if it was sold in retail stores, or passed along in secrecy by horny adolescents. We’re not entirely convinced that the author, Dr. Otto, is a real name or even a real person; the included photo is simply how we like to imagine him. In fact, the one and only reason we know of this game’s existence is because a single GamesRadar editor – not the author of this article, mind you – found the file on an old storage device from his childhood. He claims to not recollect its origins.

If we have no real information to share, then why do we include? Because Dr. Otto Breeser’s Porno Adventure, Version 3.4 – apparently an interactive choose-your-own-sexual-adventure and not a true game – enabled us to do the following:

The cost of our dignity? Priceless.

The thought of Chris Antista, host of ourTalkRadar podcast, being photoshopped by forum users into plaid skirts, knee socks and tree chains for all of eternity? More priceless.

Aug 10, 2009


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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I enjoy sunshine, the company of kittens and turning frowns upside down. I am also a fan of sarcasm. Let's be friends!

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